My Story Of Heart Break

Um, my story is a little different..some would call it crazy but it happened..

March 18, 2012

I had gotten a text from a number I didn't recognize. It said "Hey Lisa (:". My name is not Lisa so I said "You seem to have the wrong number". In which they replied "Stop joking lol". We argued over this for a long time actually. They finally admitted they had the wrong number. They replied "Sorry, I honestly didn't mean too...Well I'm pretty bored, unless your a 40 year old you wanna keep talking?". I was pretty bored myself so I said sure.
We ended up talking all day and most of the night. It turns out his name was Brice, he was from Kansas and the same age as me. I am from North Carolina. I actually got to know him pretty well during those hours we talked. Not any deep dark secrets or anything but he wasn't considered a stranger anymore.

March 19, 2012

He asked me if I wanted to call him. I ended up calling him. The first time I heard his voice, I knew he was the one for me. I didn't really understand what was happening, I just knew we had something special.
Now, we weren't even close to that stage, I mean I'd just met him yesterday. It was crazy, that wasn't even possible. I didn't even really know the true meaning of love anyways. I just knew that it was defiantly different from anything I'd ever felt.
Well, it turned out it was his sister's birthday so he couldn't really talk long..but we texted the entire time.
I hadn't even seen his face, I had no clue what he could possibly look like.
He told me he loved my personality and would love to be with me. I said, jokingly, "You're the best! I love you!". I really didn't know if I meant it though. He said "I love you too, and I really like you. I know this is insane but we should date." It was like he stole my thoughts. I couldn't even believe it.

March 20, 2012

My birthday. I didn't really tell him because I really didn't think he'd care.

December 2011-March 2012

Those months I was basically slowly killing myself. I didn't eat anything. In late February I was diagnosed with Anorexia. I never got any help though. My mom would pack my lunch and tell me if I didn't eat it, she'd find out. She never did though. I would either throw it away or give it to friends. By early March I had lost over 30 pounds..I was waiting for someone to tell me I was worth it..

Most of the time we went out is a blur to me honestly, which I will get to a little latter. I just remember us planning all of these trips to see each other and late night phone calls. Laughing, crying, as long as we were together. He was my first love..well still is.

Late May

We both decided the distance was slowly tearing us apart...we ended it but he was always someone I could go to..for anything.

By the end of May I'd found someone else. My motto was basically as soon as you end one, start another. This guy was a bad idea. He was so nice at first but as time went on..things got bad. He'd always yell at me about talking to Brice, saying he was my ex and I wasn't allowed to talk to him. (I always did though. Nothing would keep me from him). Then he got verbally abusive. Calling me ugly and stupid..worst of all..fat. It killed me. It basically made me numb. Then he'd let girls come over to his house and sleep in his bed. The girls would actually message me and ask if I'd "f*cked him yet". That pissed me off more than anything else and I couldn't break up with him because I knew he'd start sh*t about me at school.
See, earlier that year I come out, openly, to the school that I was bi sexual. Bullying happened quite often.

September-November 2012

But anyways I knew he'd start something so I thought I couldn't break up with him. Well, early September I'd had enough. We broke up and I blocked him and never talked to him again. That was really the start of everything that's gone on in my life since. That month I started my addiction to prescription pain killers. Along with my brand new habit of self injury. And pain killers are the reason I don't remember much of our relationship. Now, my self injury started out as ones that looked like cat or dog scratches. Then eventually got to the point where my whole arm was filled with deep wounds. I went everywhere in sleeves.
A new, more terrifying symptom started occurring. Panic attacks. People online would comment on my blogs and tell me I was stupid and I need to die etc. I started crying which eventually led to me not being able to breathe. Not a big deal right? I knew it wasn't just crying when I started staking and I couldn't stand. I really thought I was dying the first time.
My dyslexia had gotten worse. Now I don't read things backwards, I write number backwards and say things out of order. It really happened really rarely but after I got hooked on pills and self injury, it got worse.
After my self harming got to it's high I was diagnosed with depression. I was having suicidal thoughts and actions. It got to a point where I had written all my notes, I had a bottle of pills and a blade sitting in front of me. The only reason I didn't do it was because I thought of Brice. I thought he'd miss me.
By this time me and Brice had went out for 2 or 3 times, both lasting less than a week. We were fighting A LOT. I told him I was going to kill myself. I told him I cried myself to sleep every night and thought about ending almost every second of the day. That every night when I finally fell asleep my last thought was I hope I don't wake up. He went off. We fought for hours. He was the whole reason I did this though. I never told him. I wanted to be with him so badly. But we couldn't ever really be together until we meet in person. He'd saved my life so many times. How can you repay someone for that?

December 2012

I stopped self harming..well for a while. I slipped up once. Tried so hard.
Brice and me were finally getting along and laughing. We were acting like we were dating. I had the same feelings. Don't worry, that didn't last for long. He told me he had a girlfriend....um...that's when I slipped up. My hands were pretty bashed up after I got done punching my iron bed a few times. I was trying to get all the anger out so I wouldn't cut..well I did anyway.

January 2013

We barley talk now. I still love him with everything I have left. I know we will never work out though. He hurts me so much but....I love him....
MissxMayhem MissxMayhem
13-15, F
2 Responses Jan 12, 2013

Sweetheart... that was beautiful and to have that one person like Brice might mean everything to you, but, the truth is, like Amantcul said, you should start LOVING yourself. I know it's easier said than done. But baby steps ok?.. get help. Tell your mum. Tell her you want help.. you need to talk to someone who will set your head straight... sometimes it might feel like that one man is enough to get you through tough times But.. fact is, we need to depend on ourselves to make ourselves happy. We can't put it on someone else. Start to look at yourself as a beautiful person - because you are. You are broken and lonely.. but if you look around you, there ARE people who love you and want you around I don't know you, but I'd love to see you live your life and hear about the awesome things that happen in your life. You just need to BELIEVE it will happen.. Erase your negativity COMPLETELY... if you must wallow, give a day or 2.. after that brace yourself and move on... you are too young to be so completely consumed by negativity. You know when you start looking at yourself differently, feeling more confident and LOVING yourself, you will start attracting positivity in your life. People will look at you differently too... so change your energy darling... things WILL change for you. You WILL be happy.

You need to get over it, you are so young, do you seriously believe this guy will be the one you end up with? Not by a long shot. You will probably go through 4 or 5 or 6 or more "Brices". Love yourself, then you will be able to love other, and other love you.