I Wasn't Given The Grace To Move On

They all said it would take time, I mean after all spending 4 years with a person its understandable to feel the pain of heartbreak. They all said it would take a couple weeks, and after those couple of weeks the pain would get easier. Well, in my case those weeks turned into months, long, cold, lonely, painful months. I was the happy, fun, party girl on the outside but on the inside all I could feel was the pain getting deeper. Ones who knew me best could see right through it and they began to say give it a year and I would be completely over him. I could feel the people around me getting sick to death of hearing his name and hearing me cry so I stopped and learned to keep it all inside.

I sit here today thinking about the last time he spoke to me exactly one year ago. 12 months have passed but the wounds are still as fresh as the moment he walked away from me. As much as I want to blame him for my pain, I can't because I brought it upon myself. I was the crazy, jealous, insecure girlfriend that you hear horror stories about. Trying to keep him closer to me only pushed him away until I lost him for good. When the good times were good, they were beyond amazing. And when the bad times were bad, it gave the word a whole new meaning.
I would give anything to have him back....were both at universities now and time to time when I go back to our hometown people take it upon themselves to give me an update on his life. Who he's dating, how hes so close to medical school, how great and funny he is and how if my name is brought up in a conversation he wants nothing to do with it.

And me, I would give anything to say that I was genuinely happy like he is. For some reason I wasn't given that grace. I was given regret, pain and suffering. The only thing I can take from this is lessons learned. How to act in a relationship, how to hug someone a little tighter, love a little longer and appreciate the small things a little more. I hope I can at least touch one person and tell them to appreciate every moment you have with a significant other because someday you might not have them anymore.

wb11 wb11
4 Responses Jan 14, 2013

yoh...you are still so young you want me to kick start your life again instead of living in the past?

My dear friend, how can you mend your broken heart if you every dad or night break it again with your replay of what happened years ago!!! Today! NOW! WAKE UP! and start a new life! With dawn coming!! like the song memories...

I'm so sorry for all the pain you are feeling. It's so hard to move on when there are so many memories. Stay busy as best you can; it will help to take your mind off things. I hope your heart starts to heal soon

good advice capnjackssgirl!

I'm so sorry to hear this. I'm in the same position you are in actually. It's like I'm dying inside and this whole break up is consuming me. It's been 3 months and it seems he has moved on. I would try to give you advice but I need some for myself. My ex actually called me names and had an anger problem so I don't know why I want him back. What I think helps is praying about it. you can't get through this alone and you mentioned you keep things inside but it's better to talk to friends or family about it. I know what you mean about keeping things inside though- I feel like I can't talk to my friends about this anymore. Just pray( if you are of some faith) and stay busy. At least that's what I'm trying to do:(