Separated, Disillusioned And Struggling

I was married for 10 years. I loved my husband more than anything in this world. After having my children I started suffering from depression, struggling to be the best mother, wife, employee, home maker, etc. I didn't get the help I needed from him and couldn't do all these things on my own. Finally after 10 years of my sacrificing everything for my husband he ended it. That is when my world fell apart. I became severely depressed, felt that he and my children were better off with out me and I tried to commit suicide a number of times. I was hospitalised for three months. To make matters worse shortly after I was hospitalised I found out he was seeing another woman. I was completely gutted.

We had a very messy separation and divorce. He tried his best to take everything financially, and he tried to take my children from me. That was the hardest thing of all because they were my reason to battle my depression. I lost him and I couldn't bare losing my babies. After a very bitter battle through the courts, and constant taunting from him and the other woman, I was given the right to share the custody of my children fifty per cent of the time.

I say nothing negative to my children about their father or the woman living with him because I do not want them to feel any burden. They were the innocent ones in this mess. They will judge me one day and I will not do anything to have them pass ill judgement on me. But it absolutely tears at my insides when I hear them calling that woman "mum". Their father has encouraged this and I cannot stop it.

So here I am, alone at the moment because my children are with their father. I struggle when they are not with me because they are my reason for pushing on with life. I feel so sad when they are not here. I feel I have poor judgement - how could I have not seen what was happening when my husband left me? I feel betrayed. I don't feel I can trust another man. I don't want to burdon my family and friends with this, they have heard the same old story over and over. I am scared of being alone or my children hating me. I feel so empty and fear what the future holds.
An Ep User An EP User
Jan 16, 2013