Distance Makes The Stronger Weaken

I'd first like to apologize for the length, I guess I just have a thing for giving as good a backstory as I can to help you better understand the final four paragraphs.

A few months ago I was bored and got on a random chat site for the first time ever. Just when I was getting sick of it I ran into this one person and we started building up a conversation and then quickly became lost in it. I learned she was a girl a year older than me and in Italy, it was 4am there by now and she'd meant to go to bed a couple hours ago but she couldnt stop talking to me. But before we logged off we exchanged emails and twitter names. We followed each other and I saw her picture and thought she was gorgeous. We began by exchanging about one email a day and maybe two sometimes with emails no more than a few sentences like a pen pal or something.

Over the course of a few weeks we began emailing more and more until we were emailing all day and every day and it was like texting or that we were right there next to each other. We'd share personal stories, music that we loved, photos, tease each other, etc... and we were falling for each other. Then she said she wanted to see my face and so we planned a weekend where we would skype for the first time. She was so shy and nervous, but her best friend (we'll call her Lucy) nagged her to go through with it and then was there with her when she did. It was kinda awkward (partially because of different languages and partly just we were so nervous) but we laughed alot and had fun. Shortly after she told me about this thing called WhatsApp which was basically texting except (like an email) there were no international charges and so we could talk alot easier without getting a huge bill.

After a month of flirting things took a drastic down turn where she became more distant and was hinting that things werent going to work and saying how she falls for guys, then loses feelings, then when theyre gone misses them again etc... and I kind of struggled through a week of this but we dragged ourselves out of it and by November things were great again. In late November we started talking about plans to get together the following summer and how it would be me, her, Lucy, and another one of her friends (we'll call him John) all coming over and we'd rent an apartment for 2 weeks and me and her would share a bed while Lucy and John shared one. I brought her up with my extended family on Thanksgiving and they were basically receptive, and then this girl asked me what they thought of "us".

The week after Thanksgiving was bliss and after struggling and jumping between nicknames I would finally settle on "Kitti" because she loves cats so much and is also really cute/playful herself so I figured it would be something cute to call her other than what anyone else calls her to make me stand out. But then hitting December everything changed and she became more distant again. This time I felt it was more due to her college exams which required a ton of studying for, and she was having alot of problems at home that were taking their toll and it hurt us. But on Christmas Eve I inadvertently brought it up and she became really sorry about it and we talked about it and it bounced around for the rest of the day until that night when it kind of peaked. She fell into a sort of depression and I tried to talk her through it and I finally did with one of the most sincere things Iv ever said to anyone where I told her that sure theres a few things I dont like about her, but nobody is perfect to the world but sometimes someones perfect to someone else.

She would grudgingly accept that and we'd smile that night, and Christmas day would be sheer bliss. We had decided to get Christmas gifts for each other that we would exchange when we met up over the summer, she wanted them to be surprises until then but I didnt know and sent her a pick of a college sweatshirt from the local college town I grew up in and a silent (no words, just pics) comic book of this cat. I decided to keep what she got me a surprise and would wait until the summer to see. Easily one of the happiest days Iv had. The rest of Christmas break would continue with that kind of joy and we'd joke and have fun and muse over NYC. With my family planning a trip to Europe early summer me and this girl also began talking about the possibility of seeing each other for a day or so if she could get time off from studying for her exams and stuff.

Well things would keep rolling great for another week or two. Last Friday we would get in a "fight" on twitter and had a bunch of fun being cute and everything. Her one best friend Lucy would see it and follow me that night. The next morning another best friend (we'll call her Alice) would see it, tweet how we're the cutest couple ever, and then follow me too. Then a couple nights later this girl would tell me that Lucy decided she was sleeping with her and I would sleep with John for NYC because she didnt know me too well and was afraid I'd rape the girl. Well after a little debating I basically decided to just accept it and that I'd have to be patient and eventually earn her trust.

Now we come to today. She seemed a bit distant today and it turns out she spent the day wandering around the city with her gay guy best friend. We wouldnt talk much since she always seemed a little busy, but we did talk a little and it was nice. That night she would come home and then start playing an app on her phone and talk to me a little every 20ish min. The whole day I had this nagging feeling like something wasnt right, and a good friend of mine (much much older, early 50s and Im actually also good friends with his daughters who are a few years younger than me. He's a good, wise guy and a good friend) once told me to trust my gut (especially with girls) because it was usually right, but I decided to push it out of my mind and assume she was just having a fun day with her friends.

But we started talking more that night when I brought up NYC and it spiraled out into a talk about "us" and our future. We've already spent 2 hours on this and as Im typing this its still continuing but starting to settle down into where she doesnt believe that in 2 weeks she'll be able to get to know me on a more personal level and so she wants to just cut it off now where we'll just be friends so I dont fall in love with her and make it hurt so much more. But the problem is, I think I already have fallen in love with her.

Every single day, for the past 4 months. We've talked, laughed, flirted, opened our souls about our deepest feelings, argued, dreamed. We would only skype twice (and who knows maybe we'll skype some other day, but will it feel the same?) but we would still manage to build such a connection. I'm not gonna lie, it wasnt always pleasant. There were times where I was jealous of a guy over there and would worry that she'd fall for him and it would all be over. But it would all pass in the end and the sun would keep on shining and I decided to let her into my heart.

But now this and Iv just felt the shock pass over to be replaced by tears. I'm embarrassed to say it because an 18 yr old, 6'2", athletic guy crying over some girl he never met in real life and it sounds stupid when I say it to myself. But then someone inside me responds that she wasnt just some girl and she was more important to me than any girl I'd ever met around here and I havent smiled so much before for anyone and its not stupid to cry over someone when they come to mean so much to you. Even now as I continue to text her about "what now?" and she talks about how we can still talk like we did and get together over the summer like we planned, she just wont feel the same. I still care too much to let her know just how much she hurt me with this unexpected change of heart and the tears Iv been bleeding out of my heart since that wave of realization has hit me. Two people shouldn't die tonight.

Goodbye Kitti, hello "Violet" (as we'll call her here)
An Ep User An EP User
Jan 16, 2013