42 And Foolish

Get comfortable, this won't be short. I decided in 2010 to become a teacher after years in sales. After some substitute teaching I found I have a passion for special education students so I earned a master's in special education and a severe endorsement. I work with 18-22 year old students, all of whom have severe special needs such as Autism, TBI, PTSD, and even Anglemen's Syndrome (pretty rare). Well with 15 kids in my class I needed to hire two paraprofessionals to assist me. Four candidates were interviewed and I decided on the people I liked the most. One is a young kid around 23. He's a musician and a darn good guy who does a great job with my students. The other, oh dear God, the other. When she entered the room I couldn't speak. Her eyes, so blue and sparkly, they sparkle in a dark room. Her smile so friendly and beautiful. She took my breath away and I had to take a moment to compose myself. She also proved to be smart and very loving which one needs in a classroom like mine. I will call her "A." A and I became fast friends. She is engaging, friendly, sincere, kind, compasionate, caring, and pretty much everything else one could want in a person. I enjoyed watching her interact with my students and watching her grow in self-confidence. My wife who also works at the school noticed my attraction to A and teased me about it quite a bit. It was all cute and fun until something happened, I realized I fell in love with A. I told my wife who didn't seem to mind at first but eventually it did become a problem. I never would have imagined A would fall in love with me. I'm a few years older, she and her husband are wealthy and, well, I'm a teacher which puts me on the other end of the scale. A and I started with just friendly encouraging texts and conversations at work. I confessed to her how I felt and asked if she felt the same way. She said she only thought of me as a friend because she is married and I accepted that. As time went on, she began to indicate she felt the same way about me. We both decided that despite falling in love, we would only ever be friends as not to disparage our marital vows. My wife and A became friends and when A’s husband was out of town she would come over. We would play games, watch TV, hang out and have a good time keeping everything friendly and innocent. The only way one would ever know how we felt was by reading our text messages. They were never crude, we didn’t disparage our spouses, they were simply loving and kind. “I love you so much, I’m so glad you are my friend” would be a typical message. I would tell her how beautiful I think she is. When I would break a record on the treadmill at the gym she would always tell me how proud she was. We love each other very much, but we were only going to live our lives as loving friends. Right before Christmas break her iPhone died. It was an old 3Gs and she was very sad because she had videoed me singing in class which she played often. She would text me “You just sang to me and you are amazing” and my heart would melt. She ended up getting a crappy little phone to tide her over until she could get a new phone. Christmas break came and she went on a vacation with her family that included a 7 day tropical cruise. I missed her like crazy but we texted often telling one another what we were doing. Over Christmas break my wife became very jealous of my relationship with A. We began to fight because she felt my feelings for A were interfering with my feelings for her. I assured her they weren’t because they weren’t. I found something amazing, I could love both women with every inch of my heart. It sounds crazy but it’s true. I still love both of them so much! Christmas break was almost over and we decided to sit down with A to talk everything out. It was awesome. The two women I love sitting with me openly discussing how much we love one another. I’ll never forget it. By the end of the discussion everything was perfect. Both women began to relax and realize that neither was a threat to the other. My wife even told A that she understood why I loved her so much. It was beautiful and that night was the first, and last restful night of sleep I ever had. The next day I took off of work to finish some paperwork at home. At 9:34AM my world crashed down on me. A had been given her husband’s old iPhone the night before as he got a new nifty 5. When he loaded her sim card into the phone all of her texts imported into his. A called me to tell me her husband (who is a control freak and a jerk) read our texts and she had to immediately quit and was never to speak to me or my wife ever again. Since then I haven’t slept more than an hour a night, sometimes not even that. I see here everywhere I go. I’m haunted by her memory at work. When it’s quiet I can hear her beautiful laugh or hear her say “I love you.” I haven’t stopped crying and I beg my heart to stop beating. My wife has been so wonderful. Can you imagine a woman holding her weeping husband as he mourns the loss of another love? That’s the only reason I’m still here. I have an amazing wife who loves me so but the pain is so deep now. I miss A so much. We have only spoken once, two days ago. She told me how hard this has been on her. I feel so sorry for her. My wife has been kind, understanding and loving, her husband has been heartless and cruel. She is so accustom to him controlling her and telling her what to do that I fear she will never break free of that. My greatest desire was to be able to love both women. To walk holding each woman’s hand and enjoy a life filled with honest and true love. Now one of my hands is empty. My wife has been amazing but she feels bad because she knows she isn’t enough for me. It’s sadly true. There is a hole in my heart that only A will be able to fill. We are moving out of this area this summer. I can no longer stand to be at work. I hate being at the gym because I can’t text A. When I go to Walmart or the mall I think about the times I would be at those places texting and laughing. I look at my phone 100 times a day but it never rings. A’s husband is monitoring her phone calls and text messages. I don’t think I’ll ever hear from her again. She is 7 minutes down the road from me and may as well be dead. It’s worse than having a loved one die because of that glimmer of hope that someday she will call or text me. There was a chance she was going to come over tonight to say goodbye but it looks like that’s a bust and she won’t be able to do that again. I know it sounds selfish and foolish, a man with a loving wife mourning the loss of another woman. I get that, I know I’m the villain in my own story. Feel free to judge and ridicule me, you can’t possibly say anything I don’t already know. I’m a fool, a selfish jerk, an idiot for allowing myself to fall in love, especially so profoundly deep. I never kissed her, I never held her hand, we had hugs and words, but that was enough to forever change the architecture of my heart. I will always feel incomplete, I will never be whole. I miss, I so truly and deeply miss my beautiful friend. If her husband had any mercy in him at all he would have killed me instead of banishing me to state of death waiting to die. I’m excited for every beat of my heart because it means there is one less, one less, one less. I’m no use to my family, I’m worthless at my job. 14 weeks, we only knew each other 14 weeks and only every knew we loved one another for 3. Guard well your heart and be careful when you give people access. It can prove to be deadly.
foolishlover1970 foolishlover1970
46-50, M
1 Response Jan 16, 2013

I'm so very sorry you're hurting. I understand how you feel. My husband is supportive & understanding of me going through my feelings for another man. He understands where it is coming from and knows that I would never fool around. I've had feelings for this particular man for almost 24 years...long before I even met my husband. I can't just shut these feelings off, believe me, if there was a way I could, I'd be the first in line to do it. Love knows no barriers, no time limit, and we don't choose who we fall in love with. It happens when you least expect it.

I hope things get easier for you and I hope things get easier for A. Your wife sounds like a wonderful woman to be supportive of you during this. We should count our blessings that we have such amazing spouses.