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I Miss Him

I was 14 when I had my first love. Odd, but it was more like a puppy love. I thought him more to be then what he actually was. It was that love to the point where I was ok with anything, I would take the blame regardless if it was my fault or not. Then one day he stopped talking to me. He texted me a week later after ignoring me that it was over and that there was another woman. I can't explain the feeling, but it was along the lines of I was so devistated my mind just shut down. I felt this vibration sensation take over my body, and I didnt cry, I wasn't sad, angry, just numb. I stayed that way for years. I dated, never had a feeling for any of them. That heart pound that literally took my breath away never came back, the butterflies that tickled till it hurt was gone. I was just an empty hole. Until I met castiel (fake name of course for obvious reasons). Castiel was handsome, tall, sweet. He made my heart pound again. The butterflies came back. And he told me right after he met me he was interested. I of course said no. How could I, I was deathly afraid of getting hurt again. Months passed, and we grew very close. He always let me know everyday how much I meant to him. How much me thought about me, how I was unique. And all of our friends called us the couple without the title. So after 5 amazing months with Castiel. I agreed to date him. Not even a month later he did what my first love did. He ignored me, wouldn't call/text me back. I went over to his house to confirm it. I told him I wasn't naive, I had been through it before. He didn't give me reasons. Just shrugged at every question I asked. Later I found out it was because he was in love with his ex still and I reminded him of her. So basically, I was his rebound. I told him I was ok, I understood. I smiled and told him I just want him to be happy. I walked to my car. And for the first time, I cried. I cried so hard. Hiccups and the whole shibang. I had kept myself so gaurded that I didnt realize how much I had grown attatched to him. The pain was indescribable. The knots that made my stomach turn, the emptiness feeling in my heart had all come back. I felt betrayed. The only 2 I ever trusted, were the only 2 to turn their backs on me. I texted him a few days later (bad idea I know..) I told him how much he really meant to me, since I never told him, or at least bluntly, I always only hinted. The only thing he replied was 'I'm sorry'. Havent heard from him since. When I read it, the familiar vibration of numbness came back. Of course I've cried everyday still, but the way I felt for him. It feels real, not the childhood feeling I had. Just real. I wanted to have a real relationship with him. I can't sleep, I cant eat without feeling sick to my stomach. I cant even fake a smile. I just come home from work and lock myself in my room. I know it takes time to move on. I don't need advice. I want people to tell me, I'm not the only one who is incapable of loving and being loved back. I know he isn't the only guy out there. But at this momemt, he's the only guy I want. I just want to skip a couple years so I can feel okay again. I hate feeling so alone and helpless. I chose career over friends, so no I don't have friends to go to. I just have me myself and I. And I am so alone. And I miss him so much.
stayingstrong44 stayingstrong44 18-21, F Jan 16, 2013

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