I Used To Be Happy.

I was heart broken before. Now I am heartless. My heart has been grinded to a fine dust, and it seems as if I can grasp it, to mend it, just like actual sand. I believe I may have actually fallen in love, without knowing it. I thought he was just a huge crush, but you don't know what you actually have until it's gone.
Me and Brodey dated for two weeks. He wasn't the one I loved, however. Brodey fractured my heart, a tiny crack that wounded me at the moment, but I realized it wasn't so bad. Like anything that was wounded, my heart was tender and healing. When he broke up with me, after our first kiss, I took it hard. I cried, a lot. I didn't smile, unless he was around, to hide the pain. It was rough, but however it was only a touch of heartbreak.
Patrick. That name stabs me in the chest. Tears well in my eyes even as I type this. I think I may have loved him, and at the moment, I knew he had to love me back. We talked on the phone from when we got home to when we absolutely couldn't hold our eyes open anymore. Almost every day I couldn't wait to get home from school to talk to him. He made me smile, and laugh. We would joke around, and before we would hang up he would tell me a crazy bedtime story.
I asked him to the movies, and he wanted to go. That was one of the best nights ever. We didn't kiss, hold hands, or even hug. Just being around him, laughing, talking, smiling, made me feel amazing. After that, everything was normal. We kept talking everyday, and we got closer.
I was just about to ask him out. I knew he knew I was going to, and I kept chickening out. I know, girls aren't supposed to ask guys out, but I was that certain that he liked me, I was going to take that risk. It turns out I didn't and he said whatever it was I could tell him when I was ready. He knew, and I know he did.
In the next two weeks, he was busy a lot, and we couldn't talk. I would call and he would have to go after 5 minutes. He never called me, like he used to. I would always have to call him. I also noticed we ran out of things to talk about, unlike before. We were growing apart for no reason.
The next day, I called, as usual. He didn't answer. I called about two hours later, and he didn't answer. I left a message telling him to call me when he got the chance. He never did.
Now, communication between us doesn't exist. He never calls me, never messages me on Facebook. Never even tries to talk to me. I asked him in a message if he was mad at me, if I said something wrong. He told me I didn't, he was just a little busy, and he would try to talk to me.
He didn't.
Patrick was my way out. The rainbow after the storm. I had forgotten all about Brodey, because the pain he made me feel was replaced. Replaced with something greater that that. True happiness. Patrick was my reason to smile, and now, he's gone. With no explanation. Just taken from me, with no reason whatsoever.
And now, about three months later, I still have no reason to smile. He still don't want anything to do with me. I still see no reason why. I cant make sense of it. He still crosses my mind every day, and I still feel the pain. He has hurt me worse than anyone, and I never kissed him, never hardly touched him. We never even dated. That's because what I felt with him was real. I was in love.
All of my friends think I'm over him because I never talk about him. I've learned that you don't have to say anything or show anything to feel true heartbreak. I cried a lot over Brodey, but I bet I have shed only one tear for Patrick. I kissed Brodey, held his hand, went on dates a lot; but I never even touched Patrick. It's Love, that hurts the most. This true pain makes me silent, and its never-ending.
Its so easy to drown in my thoughts, to zone out of anything I'm doing, and re-live the hours I was truly happy. I miss him, so bad it hurts...
I may never smile again.


Rachelthegreatt Rachelthegreatt
18-21, F
1 Response Jan 17, 2013

Be brave! Life's so full of surprises. Don't show any sign of sadness or whatsoever. He's not worth that, the way he's acting with you.. With time this will be just an unhappy memory :)