My Final Moments With My Beautiful Friend

A (the name I call my beautiful friend to protect her identity) came over last Thursday evening because her husband was out of town. She, my wife, and I spent about 30 minutes chatting about our horrible situation. A's husband told her if she did not quit working for me and if she didn't promise to have no further contact with me or my wife that he would leave her immediately which is why she had to disappear from our lives so quickly. She was and is so sad to be parted from me and my wife. She brought over a little picture she drew that had special meeting for me because it was a code we used to say "I love you" and "I miss you" back when we were able to text one another. My wife had to leave for school and A stayed a few more minutes. I had found a song on YouTube called "How Can I Not Love You" by Joy Enriquez and she went down to my office so I could play it for her. She sat on my piano stool and I sat in my office chair next to her. It was the only time in our history that I ever had the privilege of putting my arm around her and holding her hand. We both cried as the song played because the words are sadly perfect for our situation. When the song was over we sat for a moment holding each other because we knew our time was running out fast. Eventually we stood and I walked her out. She told me that if she can ever find the right moment that she will try to talk to her husband about letting us be friends again, but honestly, I believe she is too fearful of her husband to do it. I am doing my best to come to terms with the fact when we said "until we meet again" what we were actually saying was "goodbye my love." Now I need to figure out how to smile or be happy knowing a woman I love so much lives 7 minutes from me and I can't contact her. My heart aches and joy has all but forsaken me. My wife is trying to understand and help me deal with the loss of a friend and an innocent love. People who know about the situation say "at least you have your wife who still loves you" and it's true but if someone gouged out your left eye with a soldering iron would you say, "well at least I have my right eye"? The pain of watching A drive off haunts me. I understand what it means to die of a broken heart. I will love her forever. My dreams of being her friend all the days of my life are now most likely destined to remain unfulfilled. I still tell A I love her and wish her a good night's sleep when I go to bed. Just like the song asks "How can I not love you? What do I tell my heart? When do I not want you hear in my arms? How does one waltz away from all of the memories? How do I not miss you now that you're gone?" I'm so sad and lost without her.
foolishlover1970 foolishlover1970
46-50, M
1 Response Jan 20, 2013

So? Who said you can't live with only a right eye? Where's the argument in that? It's horrible for the time being, but remember, time heals all, it takes months, years even to forget about these people, but they soon become only memories, memories that will be soon forgotten. You'll laugh at this one day, I know I did when something familiar happened to me as well. Just don't punish yourself over this, it'll make everything worse.

Also, listen to songs like "Forget You" by Cee Lo Green, "Let It Be" by The Beatles, and so on. Such songs evoke hope, not hope that this'll end up in some dim-witted "Happy Ending" of some sorts, but hope that this emotional pain will end one day, and you'll be born a new man.

Or listen to Johnny Cash in general, he had to go through similar problems, he knows that pain and he writes great songs about them.
"I Won't Back Down", "Heart of Gold", or "Redemption" are good examples of what he struggled through.

Thanks for the input. I didn't say I can't live without an eye. My point was at the moment one's eye is gouged out of one's skull the fact that the other eye is intact is not exactly a comfort. It would be like having two children, having one of them die and people saying "hey, don't worry about it, ya got the other kid!" Can my life go on apart from A? Yes and most likely has to. At this moment in my life though I miss her so much. I truly want her in my life and it's a living hell without her. My wife is an amazing woman and I'm so happy to have her but at this moment it's hard to focus on that when my heart aches so much for A. My wife has been loving and supportive, I have no right to complain but seldom do one's feelings fall in line with socially accepted protocol.

Johnny Cash's brother died at a young age, but that never stopped him, even if it left him with a scar for the rest of his life. I'm bad at other peoples metaphors, but what I'm implying is that bad moments will make good stories one day :)

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