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I Don't Know What I Should Do....

I have been with my wife for 13 years and 3 days after new years she says that she wants to separate. I am devastated. Still living together for now as she has asked me to leave after I get a decent job and she doesn't want a divorce but thats what she said to her first husband as well and didn't divorce him until a month or so before we got married. Our wedding anniversay was on the 15th and I got her a card and a silly toy, so that I could mark the day with her but not put too much pressure on her...She loved it and went out and got me a card and wrote we will get through this inside. We continue to make plans for the family and us together but she's still very cold towards me at times... usually after she texts or talks to someone......I am confused and scared, we have 4 children and I am afraid of what its going to do to them as well. I am not sure if she's actually cheating but who knows... she's become very secretive about who she's on the phone , texting with or IM'ing with... I went to the Doctor and she prescribed welbutrin for me and I feel a ton better... I took her out to lunch at a place she wanted to try for awhile and we had a great time... I thought so at least... then last night I took her and the kids out for Ice Cream and we all had fun, then today she tells me that she had plans with someone that shall remain nameless last night and they fell through...Its making me feel like I am banging my head against the wall...The pills they gave me give me much more energy and seem to have helped with the depression but the down side is that now that I feel better and have more energy, I'm afraid that when I do get a decent job; its out I go....I love her and I am in love with her... she says she loves me but she doesn't think shes in love with me... She's got some major health issues that I am currently trying to help her with and doing all the house work and such but I am afraid its not enough.... I don't know what to do besides keep trying to get better and stronger but as I do I feel us slipping further and further away from each other....
fuzzyneedshelp fuzzyneedshelp 41-45, M 3 Responses Jan 20, 2013

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It sounds like you are doing all you can do. It is up to her to put in effort too. If she doesn't want to, then don't kill yourself trying to hold together something if the other person doesn't want to. Yes, it hurts, and I know you are in agony. But, honestly, there isn't a lot more you can do except tell her you love her and want to work on the marriage. You need to take care of YOU, and make sure you are being who you are and not giving up parts of yourself to try and keep her. Best of Luck!

I'm sorry you are going through such a difficult ordeal. I hope things work out for the best for you and your family. Maybe it's because my ex husband cheated on me, but I think you have every right to question who she's talking/texting with and who she has pans with. It doesn't seem right that there should be that many secrets in a marriage. It doesn't mean she's doing anything wrong, but why the secrecy? Best of luck to you!

Keep your head up and know that you are not alone. I am just going through similar circumstances. I can't give you advice except to say I know just how hard it is to let someone go who you truly love. I am still struggling with it everyday and probably always will to some extent but do you really want to be with someone who doesn't love you in return? That's what I finally had to ask myself.
I know the feelings your having right now and I wish you weren't having to go through through them.

I know its hard...I'm sorry that you are going through this as well. She just woke up and came out to talk with me for a few minutes before going back to bed as if nothing was ever said... I think thats what hurts the most... me knowing how she really feels and her acting like nothing happened....

My biggest fear right now is losing mine completely. I hope that if I just let her go that she and I can still remain friends at least for our childrens sake. I'm scared that if I push her too far she will close off from me completely. If I can't have her as my wife anymore at least I can have her friendship which is what I value the most from her. At least thats my thinking.

Mine asked me the other day if I would always be her best friend no matter what and I told her honestly " I don't know" and she said " that hurts, the thought of losing my best friend..." I said, " it hurts me to say it but its the thruth, I don't know that I can just be your friend...." It breaks my heart to even write that... let alone say it to her....I never thought it would ever get this bad... we have had our ups and downs but for gods sake didn't we say before god and our friends and family for better or for worse...2 days after she asked me to separate , she got a call from the doctor that she has cancer....

My thoughts are with you my friend. It is a hard enough situation without that diagnosis.
You be there for her as much as she will let you and you be there for your children also. I wish the best for you, your children and her. Tough times ahead for sure. Be her Rock.

Always. That's a sign to me. She has always called me "her rock" My thoughts and prayers are with you my brother in these trying times. be safe and lets talk again soon

I would be glad to..

Im not making excuses for her, but she may be angry at the cancer and taking it out on you. Cancer is scary as hell, and right now she is probably trying to come to terms with it. This could cause her to think and feel things that she really doesnt want to. Like I said, Im not trying to make excuses, but right now she may not be thinking clearly.

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