So Broken, Hurt & Just Dam Lost

Hi there,
ok I've just found your site & had a very quick read over a few things but figured as I have no-one else to tell & my mind going like a washing machine well this is the best to maybe help me get to sleep.
Now I've been told by many I should write a book on all the pain & suffering I have some how managed to get there but at the moment theres not 5 minutes in the day for me to as the saying goes scratch myself let alone consider doing that.
So I'm dealing with so much in life I really dont know where to turn anymore. And I seem to only lose anyone I seem to start to trust to open upto so I figured this place cant hurt.
I am a mother of 4 beautiful children, care for my step daughter, have also a step son but am not allowed even a telephone call with but no reason although for most of his life I helped raise himfor & in last few weeks have found out well ok pregant again. I raise my kids on my own with basically no support, although my little bro is great & my aunt who raised me when her partner allows her to she's is just like a mum i never had so although I tried so hard to break the circle of everything I knew and swore I wood never let my kids go through I find a nice caring and respectful.
guy who showed me the true meaning of love & gave me the taste of my dream life, married by 19 yrs old & I still love with all my heart & soul, cry for so often & feel so empty since the day he took his ow life. I have now been caught up in this sad & depressing one sided fantasty relationship with someone who claims to be his best mate, some mate he is. And so I am lost & seriously dont know how to get out of this. Everyone I seem to trust leaves me in pain & I really am finding it harder & harder to see the point on getting through each day. I cry out to so many people for advice for someone to open up to even about me finding my husband committed suicide but just when I let my trust out it gets broken & now I'm suck mothering another child to a father who controls, abuses every chance he can without getting caught even when police have hard prove of his abuse. Anything I get he damages & well i cant swear I have never seen him or am i aware for anytime he has hurt the kids besides emotionally etc by seeing what he does to me. I am not financially able to support myself as he has put me in debt & he now is about to receive a large sum of funds for which I know will only cause my kids life to get way way worse. So I am not able to sleep very well anymore not that i have much since my husbands suicide. my depression is getting bad i know & my heart is broken in so many peices i cant & dont want this hurt anymore but how do i escape it when his best mate wont evenn let us grieve what we so badly need too before we end up doing the same thing. Why does society allow someone get away with this & blame me or tell me how I show grow up or stop using him.... the pain from the blame of my husband is too much but my lifes pain from everything has finally caught up with me & i really just want to be able to get on with my life & be what I am the best at; a mum.....
mumanda mumanda
26-30, F
Jan 21, 2013