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Still Hurting

I had no idea I could cry so many tears. After seven months I would think the well would be dry. But it's not. The tears flow as much today as they did the day he broke up with me. I've tried to be strong. I've tried to cling to my faith, but all I feel is completely stupid now. How could I have been so stupid?? How could I not realize that he would never come back? Not because he wasn't ready for a relationship but because I'm just not worthy of him. How could I honestly believe he was truly interested in me? How could I be so dumb as to let myself feel safe, secure, protected and vulnerable? Certainly I had learned from everyone before him that men only use me and lie and I should keep my walls up and not trust? It had been made clear over and over again I'm not worthy of kindness and love...at least not by someone that I truly care about. As time goes on its more and more clear I will spend the rest of my life alone. I don't know what I've done in tis life to deserve this loneliness and I don't know how to change it. God, please help me understand why I am to spend my life alone? Help me understand how You could bring this beautiful man to me and then let him walk away. Why is it that all my friends are in relationships where they constantly complain about their men and fight with them and yet they are still with them while Sean and I had no real fights and I never complained about him? What was there to complain about....he was a such a sweet, attentive, affectionate man? We seemed to really put each others feelings first, or so I thought. I know I definitely put him first. I treasured any time I had with him. How could I not? He truly made me feel special. Nobody as ever been as thoughtful to me as he was. How do you tell someone that they are a fantastic woman and you are so lucky to have them in your life and then tell them you just aren't ready for a relationship and that you can't drag them down? I never asked him to get serious, I just took it a day at a time and was so thankful for that time. How do you tell someone you love making love to them and then three weeks later break up with them? How do you then tell that same girl that the reason you didn't reply to their text about whether or not your daughters ate selling cookies this year is because you were on a date and got in late??? You told me there were things you thought you were over but maybe you weren't over and you needed to deal with them but you never said what those things were. I miss you Sean and crazy as it sounds I still love you so very much. I really do wish you all the happiness your heart desires. I just wish it still desired me. I just don't know how to make my heart stop loving you. Someone please tell me how to make this pain go away because I just can't take much more
CapnJacksGirl CapnJacksGirl 41-45, F 2 Responses Jan 21, 2013

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Please try and realise that it's not your fault, that you ARE worthy of love, that the pain will eventually subside. It breaks my heart to hear you say you'll spend your life alone - I am sure you won't, and the person that is right for you will appear. I hope it's soon as I can understand how horrible it is to think the pain will never go away. Hugs and love x

Thank you...you are very kind. Thank you for the kind words and hugs!

<p>I cant say that I know how you feel because only you know that, but I can say that we must have meet the same person but in a different sex. The words you said in your letter suited me and Dar to the tee. I have no idea how they can come into our lives and break us into pieces and run. She told me so many things that made me think she was going to stick around for some time and then bang. I am not ready to have a relationship, only to find out a couple off weeks later she was dating. They always seem to choose the ones who are eventually going to hurt them. We got along so easy and there was just nothing that we could say we were so compatable, is it that we are to slow and should break there hearts. I have no idea why , she said she didnt want to hurt me. Well it was to late, she took a piece off me that I cant seem to get back. Where do I go from here I have no idea. Maybe I to will grow old and alone, if praying helpes I should be sitting on a cloud. Maybe some day we will meet again if I dont die off a broken heart.

Oh my, I am so very sorry for your pain. There are definitely times when it feels like you could die from a broken heart, doesn't it? I too have said many, many prayers. I hope in time your prayers are answered. This might be easier for me if he had been a jerk or mean, but he wasn't. He was faced with a very scary health issue and I think it freaked him out to the point where he just had to walk away. He said more than once he couldn't drag me through it. Thankfully he is much better but I still miss him dearly.

What you are doing is justifying his selfish behavior and not seeing him for who he really is. You see what you want to see and not what is obvious.