Heartbreak: An Indescribable Pain


My name is Nina.

And I have a broken heart.

I'm sure every being will go through heartbreak and yes, it hurts, it pains, it kills, and it stays with you for quite some time.

For me, heartbreak has been with me through the only two relationships I've had:

Boy #1:

His name was Chris. We were in our freshman year of high school, just two young teenagers trying to find themselves in this complicated world. I only knew him through Spanish class and choir and I only saw him as an acquaintance, then I saw him as a friend, and eventually my first love.

He asked me if I wanted to do a duet with him for the choir's Spring Concert. I said yes.

We stayed after school every single day up until the concert to practice the song we chose for our duet -- Falling Slowly, from Once. It was a beautiful song, a song that eventually became our song.

I remember he used to call me every night just to tell me he was able to hit the high note for his part, something that was hard for his tenor voice at first, but he worked hard to accomplish that single note and he was so proud. Eventually, I was able to notice that he wasn't just calling me about that stupid note... he just wanted to talk to me, to hear my voice.

I saw his small crush escalate into something bigger as we continued staying after school. The singing eventually turned to laughing and that laughing became us messing each other's hair which eventually turned into tickling which then became a confession...

I remember sitting at the piano in one of the band practice rooms with him by my side. I knew something was going to happen, something big. I just had that feeling, ya know? I kept looking at the piano keys, trying to figure out how to play the melody for Falling Slowly and I could just feel his eyes locked on my face as I concentrated. His gaze sent butterflies afloat in my stomach and his words sent them soaring, "I have something to say... After all of this, I realized something. I really like you."

That confession then became a beautiful first love, one I will never forget. I will never forget the promises, telling my parents I was staying after school to work on projects when instead, I was really with him, the long walks with our hands intertwined, the kisses on my forehead, cheek, and lips... oh that first kiss... I will never forget the way he would run all the way from down the hallway just to pick up my books if I dropped them, the way he would sneak up behind me and poke my sides (something he knew irritated me), his arms coming from behind to give me a warm embrace, watching fireworks at the harbor to make up for the Fourth of July we missed together, the dreams we would share, the fantasies we would come up with, the movies we'd watch snuggling together... And I will surely never ever, ever forget the way he made me feel like I was the only girl in the room, how special I felt in his eyes...

But then that all became a memory.

Things changed.

I remember how he would always try to change me from who I really was. For instance, I am naturally sarcastic and sassy sometimes but only for fun. Apparently, he didn't like that. He would often complain about that quality of mine, actually.

I remember how I felt like he just used me as an arm candy most of the time... The way he'd push me to kiss him in the hallways at school in front of everybody...

I also remember how he was so busy with his family, something I was patient with and understood for months and months... but it eventually came to a point where we were just so far apart for so long that I didn't feel the warmth anymore, I didn't feel his presence in his absence as I normally would, I didn't feel that joy that love brings. Instead, I felt forgotten, abandoned, and hurt.

I remember each night, before I went to bed, I would just say three words, hoping he would somehow hear me, would somehow remember that I was here and I longed for his love again. Those words were: "I miss you."

With this separation, things grew so far apart that we both knew it had to end. I honestly told him how I felt like I was abandoned and just left for dead and he told me something I never thought I would hear: "I never really felt a connection with you anyways."

Boys don't know this, but words can hurt more than ever imaginable. He went on about several things, many of which I do not want to say, and about how he didn't feel anything for me for the longest time which made me feel like such a lovestruck idiot.

This brought on a horrible thing which then lasted for months for me: philophobia, the fear of love. I was afraid to be that hurt again, afraid to cry for weeks again, afraid to fall apart... I thought with him trying to change me and say how he never really felt a connection with me that I just wouldn't be good enough for anybody. He made me stop believing in love.

Boy #2:

His name was Zane. He worked at the skating rink I trained at as a hockey coach and a skate guard (background: I'm a figure skater).

The story of how we met is actually a funny one. My coach and I were on a very empty public session, one where he was coincidentally working as a skate guard (person who watches people who are on public sessions to make sure they don't get injured). There were several people on the ice tossing a glove or something and playing catch and my coach just couldn't tolerate it, afraid that other skaters (... I was the only other skater actually haha, public sessions on days when all the kids are at school and I'm not are heaven) might slip on whatever they were throwing. She made me skate over to the guard and tell him that those people shouldn't be doing that.

After the session was over, we were both out in the very empty lobby and it was just like an instant attraction. We just couldn't stop looking at each other from across the benches and I couldn't ignore the blush that crept up my cheeks whenever we made eye contact.

Weeks passed and I never saw him whenever I went back to the rink for practice. I couldn't even remember what he looked like after that span of time, something that just bothered me for the longest time.

Then came that one fateful weekend...

I was hired to coach a birthday party for my mom's friend's friend's daughter (confusing, I know) on a busy Saturday public session. And guess who was one of the skate guards that day?

I remember getting on the ice with my group of girls, many of whom had never skated before. So, as I would normally do in coaching a party, I gave them a lesson in basics and let them go skate on their own, watching from a distance behind. As I skated behind my girls, I felt a presence stay next to me and I heard a voice say, "So, does your coach hate me?"

I looked up and just ended up drowning in those bright blue eyes. "Um, no I don't think she's mad at you."

"Good," he smiled, a smile that just sent my heart fluttering. "I'm Zane, by the way," he said while sticking his hand out to shake mine.

"Nina," I replied with a bright smile of my own as I clasped his hand.

I tried my best to watch my party skate but it was hard with this boy at my side practically the entire 3-hour session. We got to know each other, how long we've been skating, how old we were, things we loved, etc. By the end of that session, it's like we'd been the best of friends since ever.

That night, I was home, lying in bed with my laptop and catching up with some TV shows, when a notification from Facebook popped up on one of my tabs. He messaged me that night after stalking me on the Internet and we chatted the night away, ending the evening with getting each other's phone numbers.

We texted every single day after that...

It wasn't until another one of those empty public sessions when we met in person again. I came for pure practice but ended up getting distracted with this boy again and a small group of very young skaters who played with us. He showed off his hockey stops, sending waves of ice over the kids, while I demonstrated spirals (where you simply hold one leg in the air while gliding) to show off my flexibility.

Towards the end of that session, he ended up in a corner with a little boy who carved Zane's name in the ice while I was showing a little girl double jumps. When the little girl left for her lesson, I went over to Zane and the young boy to see their work of art on the ice.

Zane then said, "Write her name in the ice."

The little boy then replied, "What should I write?"

"I think 'Beautiful' would do just fine," Zane said while looking straight into my eyes.

I slapped his shoulder playfully and sighed, "Such a flirt..."

The three of us ended up writing Nina + Zane in a heart (haha, cheesy, I know... it was all his idea)

While we stood there, admiring our true work of art, Zane asked me, "What are you doing this afternoon?"

"I actually planned on seeing a movie," I replied.

"With who?"

"By myself... unless you wanted to accompany me...?"

"I'd love to."

He then looked up movie times on his phone and we were off to the theater after the session was over.

I met him up on the bridge that led from the top floor of the parking lot to the theater, which was on the top floor of a shopping mall by the way.

I remember him excitedly shouting out, "There she is!" and walked forward to bring me into a warm embrace, something that just felt so right.

He already got our tickets, something I scolded him for -- I hate it when guys pay for me...

So, we headed into the theater, sat right in the middle of the practically empty movie theater, a perfect place to view the film. Right as the trailers began to play, he lifted up his armrest and gestured for me to lean against him, and that I did.

I couldn't focus on the movie with his hands holding mine, his large hands playing with my small ones, his fingers moving my hair out of my face, his arms around me, keeping me warm, and his lips occasionally pressing to the back of my head.

After the movie, he drove me home and sent sweet messages to my phone throughout the evening.

We were officially together after we seriously talked about being in a relationship, something I was afraid of in the past that he made me have faith in again.

I remember him waking up at 4 in the morning just to text me "Good Morning, Beautiful" before I'd leave for my 5:30 in the morning skating session, him meeting me extra early at the rink before my evening practices so we could sit in his car and simply enjoy each other's presence, the shirts he would give me that were sprayed with his heavenly cologne, the kisses we'd steal before he had to get on the ice...

Then he cheated.

Enough said. He cheated.

And that just hit me and it hit me hard.

Again, those feelings Chris brought me at the end of our relationship resurfaced. Was I not good enough for either of them? Was it my personality? Was it my looks? I just further blamed myself for all of this heartbreak, how it was all my fault...

I then became obsessed with trying to improve any little flaw I saw in myself, and this ended up in me almost killing myself through anorexia and becoming afraid of being in a relationship, something I'm still afraid of to this very day. I'm afraid of the hurt these two past relationships have brought me, how they've killed me on the inside and eaten away at my ever-so-slowly mending heart.

I don't know if I'll ever find love again... or if love will ever find me...
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Jan 22, 2013