Broken Heart From The One I Loved With My Whole Heart

I was engaged to the woman I loved for 2.5 years and felt like nobody in the world could ever make me feel more of a man then I did when I was with her. Sadly we started fighting over the wedding plans (where, when, etc.). It started with the little things but eventually we started fighting about everything and had a huge fight one night where I said some really horrible things to her that I still to this day hurt over. She left that night and things were never the same....A few days later she returned the ring to me and asked for me to not message/call/text her. She told me she loved me and forgave me for what I had said but thought this was what was best.

Four months went by and I didn't contact her once even though I found myself thinking about her every day. One day out of the blue I received a text from her and we began talking again. One thing led to another and we were back together in secret which didn't last long. Her parents found out and were so surprised and angry that her dad ended up going to the ER for chest pain (ended up being a panic attack). She was so scared that she was killing her parents over seeing me again that she broke up with me the next day. A few days later she apologized and came back to me and we began dating again.

We dated for another 5 months trying to rekindle what had been so badly damaged as a result of anger in our past. Eventually she realized she was still very angry with me and couldn't get over what had happened at the end of our engagement. We agreed we both needed to be happy again on our own if there was ever a hope for the two of us to be together again. Again we agreed not to communicate at all and so it has been three weeks to the day I have not heard from her and my heart breaks every day waiting for something that I can only imagine will never come.

My family and friends want me happy and know how much my heart breaks for her but at the same time they all want me to move on and only see the hurt she has caused me over and over again through the course of the past year since the engagement ended. The worst part through all of this is that I have realized I have very few friends left in my life who live by me as many of them have moved away to other parts of the country. I struggle making new friends and have been trying in all ways possible to be happy again on my own but can't seem to find happiness on a daily basis. I miss the woman I gave my whole heart to and find myself looking for her car every day I come home from work. I know the pain will subside and I will find happiness again but for now I feel very alone and lost and find myself waiting for her to come home so that we can be together again.