I Am Going Into Depression

I been married for ten years now and it looks like our marriage has taken a turn for the worse. I love him dearly but I dont get it back. For so long now he has blamed me to be the one at fault for his actions. But I think I am smart enough now to know that I ain't responsible for HIS actions. I am responsible for my own though I do know that and I am responsible for my kids and so is he. I can't take the pain of loving him and wanting to trust him but I can't. Not because I don't want to but because he shows it that he lies and who knows maybe even cheats. I mean what does it mean when he leaves me crying in the driveway while he is going off in another women's car who he called to pick him up when he has a good working car that he could of taken. Oh I forgot silly me it was left for me to drag my little ones who aren't in school yet into a traffic filled day in the hot blazing sun to go pick up the older ones who are in school because he had something more important to go do. He had to go have lunch cause he was hungry and even though lunch was made and put on the table for him it wasn't good enough for him even though it was him who requested what to eat for lunch. He found the grass greener on the other side of the street. I don't blame myself no more. I use to but even if I blame myself or not it still hurts the things that he does. I would never be spiteful and wish anything bad upon him but I do wish that he would see or care about the things he does to hurt me. I do wish that I would have the will power to say I don't want you or need you no more but if you been in love you know theres hardly a limit to what you are willing to put up with. The pain and the love balances out until enough is enough and I guess enough is not yet for me. That I take responsibility for. Because if I still stay to take it then what am I on here complaining and telling my story for right? Well everyone needs someone to talk to and to listen. I have no one litterally. My kids are too young to understand why I cry and stay. My family is careless of me. His family dislikes me. My friends I use to have are all gone and I don't talk to them no more. I left it all behind thinking all I needed or wanted was my husband and him making me feel like I was all he would want or need for a time too. I now think to the day when I made that choice and said I would love him forever and only him and he would do the same. How I should of seen it and thought twice before I swore myself into a lifetime of pain. I love him and through the years of being with him I let him take me down little by little but he achieved it. I see it now what I was too blind to see before to stop it before it got this far. I been in a depression that I didn't know I was going into to lose all my friends and family. To where now when I do see it and I stand up for myself against him or his family. They can still walk over me because I have no where to go or to run to. Now when I need someone the most all I have is his house and my memories of life when I was happy. I didn't care or want anything in life cause I was happy but I was being stupid and didn't think into the future. I don't know whats changed him to be this way. He says its me I stop doing what he blames me for and still no change, I even went for a time of telling myself its cause I am expecting it to change and it wont come over night so give him time and let him get into it slowly. But when someone is wanting to change for themself or for someone they love or care about that will power should at least be something of a stronger force then what ever force is holding them to do the wrong thing and IF it isnt alone to change then support and help from friends or family would come in. But no I was wrong and lied to. I found out the hard way that we are still arguing and I am still hurting only from **** he does to me is because he don't want to change. He likes the benefits of getting supported and taken care of while he is out taking care of who he wants to like he is someone of importance. I don't get it how I show that to him and give it to him and never make him feel like he is worthless yet I don't get none of the attention or appreciation he gives to his friends and random girl in his life at that time. I know now that my condition is getting worse due to the fact that I think about death and it looks like a welcoming way to get out of this pain. I feel like I am in a dark hole I don't even notice the things around me no more. I noticed I am starting to not appreciate the things that anyone does for me now. All I see and notice is the things he does wrong. I try to see things in other ways but in the end it comes down to seeing it negative now. I hate myself for letting it get this far. It all hurts. When I think about it all I am so angry with myself and at him. The only thing is I own up to my mistakes. Yeah ofcourse it happens mistakes happen a lot and most of the time its to be forgiven and forgotten but how can I do that if its a constant repeat of the same mistake or mistakes over and over again?? the pain or scars don't go away. They stay and linger there cause its not getting taken care of. I feel like closing my eyes and never waking up is a better promise then living this life waking up everyday to feel so alone even though I am not. I know that I am not but I still feel like it and then I feel like **** cause I am being selfish now. Thinking of only my thoughts or feelings. Not thinking of anyone elses now too. I am being him just not doing the same actions but still bringing the same pain and hurt to others who cares or loves me. I know I need help. I don't want to be alone and I don't want to fill in the empty space with someone new. I want him. I love him dearly. The thought of someone else next to me is something I can't see. I rather meet death in the face before I go into someone elses arms. Even if I see him in someone elses arms it don't give me the strength I need to move on no it just makes me want him even more. I know I am a mess and still right smack dab in the middle of it. Now I am looking for a way out and for now I only see one light shining to me as my doorway out of this pain. Can anyone out there help me not go to the light? I am a total insane person at this point. A big mess to clean up and put back to normal but lookin for anyone who has the time and the patience to help me get back to life I will thank you in the long run. AS of now I haven't seen any helping hands so I am gonna give up soon. Thank you for reading my confusing story but I wanted to just let it be heard. Even if I have no one to tell it to the internet might be able to get my story across to someone who can save me from myself. 
WendyYang WendyYang
31-35, F
1 Response Sep 7, 2013

I feel for you. Rejection and any unappreciative feelings hurt us deeply.