I Went Through Major Heartache Just Recently...

... but it ended unexpectedly, just like I hoped it would.

We've been together for 2 something years and it's been a very bumpy ride. Emotions everywhere. Lots of breakups & makeups. On my side, many expectations that he tried to fulfill but seemed to be not enough. He didn't feel appreciated either although I showed him that as much as I could. We really loved each other and with all this, still nothing could bring us apart. Eventually, will all the pressure from school, mess in the family & discord with him, I had my first panic attack and an episode of depression followed couple of months later. I couldn't figure out the purpose of our relationship at all. Is it marriage and kids? Is it just partnership? Any particular lessons? Some other purpose we needed to fulfill? I didn't know & I told him that. Then he had to leave for couple of weeks and during that time I was so overwhelmed with life that I decided to go to another country for couple of years, since I just couldn't bear my present situation. When he came back, I told him about my plans and he freaked out. He felt left out, although I explained to him that he wasn't, but it didn't matter. Then he called it quits. I couldn't believe my ears and tried to make him realize that it's a nonsense what he's doing! But when I looked in his eyes, I couldn't even recognize this person - I saw a person on the very edge of the edges, someone who's so burned out and so confused.

I cried. But then I decided that it was a very distinctive push for me to realize something and change everything. I've had those thoughts before, but that situation jump started my inner intentions. So, I decided to change my attitude and my view on many things in life. Not for him. For myself. I knew that no matter how that situation ended, I must get rid of the things that had ruined many things in my past. I had to become more peaceful, positive, appreciative, and loving.

He kept calling me every day and I went along with that game that occasionally brought us to another conversation b/c I was very confused. But I still faced his relentless stance and no beam of hope ever got through. Never in my life have I experienced so much pain and agony, so much hoplessness and desperation. I was diving into an ocean never knowing whether I can even swim. But to back down wasn't an option. I loved him too much. Funny how life brought me to that place! I used to be the one to be chased and waited after & now life turned the tables. But no matter. I put my pride aside b/c my goal was bigger than that.

We spoke and hung out very often. He acted like nothing happened, I was patient, but never clingy. I gave him as much space as he needed and never ever he sensed that I expected anything from him. But I let him know about my feelings. He saw those changes I've made but was very skeptical whether they were real. Who knows, maybe it's just temporary and everything will start again? The only proof I had was time. In time he would see that those changes I claimed were real.

After 2 months of pure hell and agony things started to soften up. During those 2 months he paid lots of attention to me like when we were together. But I still couldn't stand the lack of status. Am I your friend? Well, I'm more than a friend, duh! Am I your girlfriend then? Well, not really that either. OK then, what am I? He made clear that he needed me and that there was a chance for us. Great, but then don't make any moves on me anymore. So I set the boundaries. That night we had our final conversation when we put everything back to place. It's been enough time for him to cool off and let go of the painful past that he was so clung to. Now it's about time to make a step toward the future, which he did. Then he told me that he actually never left me, although several expressions of his proved the opposite.

Nevertheless, we started a new stage. Cleaner, more positive, appreciative, liberal and loving stage. I've read a lot of literature during these months, which made me realize many things I should have known before. Our relationship in the past seemed so dead and completely doomed that I was sure that to restore it and make it flourish was practically impossible. I was apparently very wrong. It's never been better. I'm shocked as to how life can work. It could all have ended differently, but I chose a different scenario. You may say that some things aren't in your control, but in reality they are. Of course you can't get everything you want, just because not all things are appropriate for your life scenario. But I gave it a chance to see and saw that in my case it was appropriate to start over, or should I say, continue on a different level.

Our relationship has been very deep and sincere from the very beginning. We're both quite solitary people, people who have profound view on life and specific conditions with which we will or won't consent. Our bond has never been superficial and therefore it withstood the hardest times it has ever had. Probably harder times will follow b/c life challenges us, but at least we have more tools available now to deal with those challenges.

misasja misasja
26-30, F
1 Response Jun 27, 2007

Wow that's deep, but I'm not much of a philosopher. I'm a very binary person and thus I just feel let down and am by no means devastated by my break-up. The only time I've been really upset was when I lost my dad whom I was really close to.<br />
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I just feel that relationships shouldn't take any effort. They shouldn't require you to change who you are as a person. I believe being honest about who you are as a person, right from day one will avoid most of the stress involved in a relationship.<br />
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Know what you want and be honest, it's always worked for me. Unfortunately I can't help my partner if she's being lying to me the whole time.