He Stole My Heart

I am so sad because my ex and I recently broke up.  I am 32 years old and have never felt this way about anyone in my life.  I have heard the stories about women who get themselves into bad relationships but I never ever thought that it would be me.  Especially because I saw what my mother went through.

It is all absolutely crazy.  I met this guy and fell head over heels right away (and had always been the one to not believe in love at first sight).  Anyways we had a conversation about our pasts.  He was completely honest with me but I flipped and got scared and lied to him.  He realized I lied about something and I just poured my heart out.  Well after that he was really hurt and he changed so much.  I understand that I destroyed the trust in our relationship but he got so mean.  Called me *****, ****, *****, **** and lots of other horrible things and used the things I told him against me.  At first I dealt with it because I knew that what I had done is wrong.  But it got so bad (we dated for another year and a half).  It was long distance and we never fought or he never said these things to me in person, it was on the phone but it got to the point that it was 3-5 nights a week, sometimes more.  Eventually I started fighting back and the fights got alot worse.  He would tell me what a horrible person he thought I was and then he would call and tell me how much he loved me and how special I was to him.  I am so in love with him that I every time I would just forgive him and hope that things would change.  Don't get me wrong, when we got to fighting I would say some nasty things too.  The thing is I broke it off in December and I was so mad that I was ok for awhile but now I am so depressed and I miss him so much.  I know that this is a toxic relationship, but I have NEVER ever felt anything like this in my life.  I know that to a degree it is my fault because I lied to him.  When we were together I felt like the whole world around us disappeared.  I was on cloud nine, even after 2 years and all of the fights, whenever we were together it was just so incredible that it is indescribable. 

My problem is that I just can't get over him and I am just so sad and missing him so much.  I feel that if after 30 years of my life I never felt like this, that I may never feel this way about someone again.  Before I met him, I was single for 7 years and didn't get into any serious relationships because I always felt something was missing.  I just feel so alone.  My friends don't quite understand the situation.  They just think he is just some jerk guy trying to control me.  And maybe he is, but I don't think so.  He is just very insecure about me because I lied to him.   I know that that doesn't make it ok for him to treat me the way he did but he let his fears take over.  I don't know, I am so confused.  I know I love him so much......

brokenheart23 brokenheart23
31-35, F
2 Responses Feb 10, 2009

... Well that is quite a story and only too familiar, you certainly not riding alone on the bad 'relationship train'. There are many passengers riding with us! Let me just say I really do know how you feel, honestly. I am very sorry you are going through this experience, I have felt that way myself (quite recently). But just because you made one mistake does not give him the right to have emotionally abused you for that long. Everyone makes mistakes and if he was not willing to forgive and forget your mistake he should have said so and left before carrying on to this point. The truth is you will find someone else my dear, but you have to believe in your own selfworth. And you are worthy of true love without pain. Make use of your friends, lean on them for support, keep as busy as you can and remember nothing lasts forever. You will be okay, this feeling will subside. Time is a great healer. But please for your own sake do not go back to this person, he would destroy and pollute your beautiful spirit. Noone is worth that.

I used to be so grounded and sure of everything but now I am just confused and feel that I have lost my way. The entire relationship was irrational, yet it doesn't change what I feel.