Dear Reader,
The date is August 16th, 2014. I don’t know why I’m writing this. I guess maybe I just feel like I don’t have any other place to turn at the moment, afraid of what others might think. I’m very new to the experience project site, so please, bear with me.
Let me start by introducing myself. My name is Brian. I’m 16 years old, going to be 17 in October of this year (2014). Most of my life has been a blur. Some weird part of me feels like I’ve been 16 years old forever; does this make sense to anyone? I can recall my childhood pretty well, but the events of my childhood aren’t necessarily relevant. From what I can remember, I grew up living a decent life that I can’t really complain about. I’ve got a brother a year older than me who is my best friend and our bond only gets stronger as we grow older, I’ve got a father who cares about me like no other, and my mother is very humble. The only issue family-wise we’ve had to face is my mother being severely bipolar, but when she’s not in a manic state we generally enjoy peace in our home so for that I am very grateful. I know other families have worse issues. As for me as an individual: I’m a fairly skinny guy, milky white skin, hazel-greenish eyes, probably like 5’10” in height, love computers, video games, anime, etc. and I’m average looking I guess. I’ve been playing trumpet for 8 years or so, and I recently picked up guitar a few months ago. If there’s one significant thing that’s stuck with me throughout my entire life, it’s that I have a distinct, fiery red hair color that separates me from most of my peers and family members. My red hair often led to teasing throughout much of my life, even now, but I don’t really mind. In fact, I find it kind of fun. Weird, I know. I wouldn’t exactly call myself a “ginger” though because I don’t really have freckles at all and my hair isn’t like a bright orange, it’s more like a light brownish orange color, but I guess I can pass as the so-called “ginger.”
Now that you have a decent understanding of who I am, I’ll continue my story. I entered high school in 2011 with an undeveloped mindset; a mindset I’m envious of. A mindset I want back. I didn’t know many people when I first went to school, maybe about 2 or so, but I made a decent amount of friends and I was social enough I would say. In freshman year, I didn’t really do much other than play video games, play trumpet a lot, and focused on school work. Not a bad life I guess, although I was pretty confident in everything back then. Things that would normally seem to affect other people never really phased and I always thought cynical things like “Love is for the weak.” My friends were aware of my attitude, so naturally I always became the type of guy to go to for advice. Not once during this time in my life did I have an episode of depression. I believe it was either the second or third day of school that the following significant event happened. It was the last period of the day and I had a science class my final period. For some odd reason, we had two science periods as freshmen each with a different teacher. I remember walking into that room and I knew two kids from my old school but they were talking with other people in the back corner of the room, so I took a seat in the front and just went about the rest of the period. The teacher was a ditzy, nice, middle-aged lady and she began talking with me. I can’t quite remember what we talked about, but I remember she gave out a sample worksheet showing us what the living environment regents exam would be like so I’m guessing it was something related to that. On my right, an Indian girl with long black hair and an imperfect, goofy smile, yet with pearly white teeth, joined the discussion. “Okay, whatever,” I thought to myself and I just talked onward, enduring the slightly annoying encounter. The teacher finally left and I felt a wave of relief because, from what I recall, she had been talking quite a long time.
The girl to my right now engaged conversation with me as she didn’t seem to have anyone else to really talk to, but neither did I since my only close friend at the time, Brandon, was off acquainting himself with his fellow football players. Let it be known, I am NOT a sports guy. The smiling brown girl said her name was Amy and she came from a middle school where I happened to have had many former best friends from elementary school at, so we instantly had mutual connections, making both of us much more comfortable. I told her I came from the middle school that was known for having its students graduate and proceed to the high school we were at now (I won’t disclose the school names for location/safety purposes). Amy assumed I knew most of the students in the class but, to her surprise, I really did not as most of the graduates from my middle school were lower ranked students and wouldn’t be mixed in with us honors kids (my middle school was filled with delinquents), so I told her that was why I was sitting alone. I don’t remember what we talked about after that, but I do significantly remember sensing she was a smart girl, though she would never, ever outright brag about it. Turns out she had one of the highest averages out of our whole grade for three consecutive school years, so my hunch was right. The bell rang and we exited the building, so I was just following right behind Amy when she suddenly seemed to panic. She hesitated slightly but once we got outside she asked me, “Hey, could I use your phone. I’m sorry I have to call my mom to pick me up and I don’t know anyone. I’m sorry,” or something along those lines. I laughed because she kept apologizing over such a petty issue, though I hope she didn’t take it as an insult. I told her it was no problem and handed her my phone. She finished speaking to her mom, gave me my phone back, and apologized again, so I just told her not to worry and said goodbye. I made my way home right after this as it’s only a 10 minute walk from my home to school. Looking back, I kind of feel bad for having left Amy to wait for her mom when she didn’t even know anyone. Also, my high school has rumors of it being a very dangerous school filled with criminals (which I now realize is not true at all), so, in retrospect, you’d think I would have waited with her to get picked up as a precaution to the rumors. I have no idea if I left Amy because I just didn’t care or because I was afraid of involving myself with a new person. If you asked me back then, I probably would’ve said I just didn’t care. This is a trait that seems to no longer be a part of me though. Ever since I started high school, that confident ego of mine dissipated entirely. I truly believe my personality changed because of Amy; the smiley, friendly, brown girl.
After my encounter with Amy that day, I never talked with her that much, but we were always acquaintances. She added me on Facebook early on in the school year, so we were in touch when we needed to be. Turns out, we have so much in common. Amy and I both enjoy video games like Zelda, anime, manga, and we’re both inept when it comes to sports, so I always felt welcomed when conversing with her. Since we were so alike, I always viewed her as sort of a “bro” because she was so different from all the other girls and she seemed more like a guy friend to me. Despite our similarities, my relationship with Amy was pretty limited. She sat in front of me in one of my classes and her hair was really long so it always got on my notes, though I just slowly brushed it off and didn’t tell her because I didn’t want to embarrass us both or make her feel bad. We had occasional chats but it wasn’t very often. Amy was pretty forgetful sometimes so she messaged me on Facebook asking what homework we had, and I’d answer her then we would chat for a bit. We goofed around sending emotes back and forth. I always sent her the penguin emote for some reason <(“) and to her I became known as “That weirdo who always sent the penguin emote” but in a fun way, not a mean way. That’s honestly all I can remember of Amy from freshman year.
Amy aside, let me enlighten you with a summary of the rest of my freshman year. I was a good kid, never did drugs or anything like that. I was very enthusiastic about playing the trumpet and had quite a fun time just hanging out in the band room with some of my new friends who were seniors. I was really into jazz at this point partially because my middle school band teacher was really into it and partially because I enjoyed the idea of creative freedom. I didn’t do anything too adventurous, and when I wasn’t at school I was home doing things a normal teenage boy would do. I played many video games on Xbox 360 and my friend Eric that I met online through my neighbor was my go-to gamer bro. We recorded a co-op commentary of ourselves playing Halo and it received over 300,000 views on YouTube. We haven’t recorded many videos since then because we were just too busy with school, but for two 14 year olds, you have to admit that’s pretty impressive. When I wasn’t wasting my hours playing video games, I was (Warning: The following description may be rude to some audiences) fantasizing about my freshman English teacher, who was in her mid-twenties and for some reason my raging boy hormones found her to be the most beautiful female I’d ever seen in person. Literally every single day of my freshman year I’d do the deed with myself after school because just the sight of her made me go wild. It didn’t help that I had her first period of the day, so I spent 7 hours in school with great “discomfort.” I was truly experiencing what it was like to be a teenage boy. Turns out, that same English teacher got fired, had a baby with her boyfriend out of wedlock, and got rehired as a dean. Oh, I forgot to mention, she was also the most unfair teacher and she lost many student assignments (including mine), but that didn’t stop me from fantasizing about her. Now, I have no idea why I was ever attracted to that woman because she honestly isn’t even that good looking. I didn’t have too many close friends in freshman year, as I was social with just about everyone. I didn’t go to lunch often because I would hang out in my symphonic band teacher/assistant principal’s office with many of the 2012 seniors. Fun stuff happened there, like the one time Ken thought it would be funny to try and drink a small cup of water filled with 20 packets of salt. Ken, Jay, Tyler, Joe, just a few guys who were there, all tried to do it. I think Joe threw up. Yeah, good times. There was also another time we watched…umm…inappropriate videos in that room. I don’t know why we did that, but it was pretty hilarious. Those guys offered me to smoke weed with them, but I declined. I was a good boy back then and I would stay that way for a while. I was rather bummed out when they had graduated. The ones I was closest to, like this one guy named Aaron, were in the band and I got along with them very well. I looked up to these guys. They were my personal, real life heroes. I’m glad I was lucky enough to have such a welcoming experience in my freshman year, and I sincerely thank the juniors and seniors from back then for making that possible.
Sophomore year was like a slap in the face for me. I was in an accelerated math program so I had trigonometry a year earlier than normal. This landed me in the same trig class as my brother, which wasn’t so bad because he’s really good at math so I got to copy his homework. I failed many tests and was borderline passing the class but I somehow passed the regent with a 68. My only regret about that is I should have done my own homework instead of copying my brother, but hey, I passed so what’s done is done. Since many of the people I would spend my free time with in the school building had gone, I was forced to get to know other people better. During this year I became a lot closer with my brother, Matthew, and realized that he was my best friend all along. Matthew and I both play trumpet, and although I’m quite better than he is, he respects my superiority in the musical field. I got him to join jazz band because we were short on trumpets because the senior trumpets all graduated, so we spent a lot of time in symphonic, jazz, and marching band next to each other. Around wintertime of my sophomore year, my brother and I (mostly my brother) cleaned out our messy basement and redid the entire thing, making it my new hangout place. I spend most of my time in the basement now since he has a big bedroom and I have a really small bedroom that can only fit my bed and a drawer for clothes. I realize that he put so much work into the basement just for me, though he won’t really admit that but I know it’s true. The basement was left roughly incomplete for the entirety of my sophomore year, but I didn’t mind. We got a 55” TV for it and I spent most days watching anime or playing video games when I wasn’t doing school work.
As my bond with Matthew strengthened, I got to know a lot of other people too. My friend Patrick is a football player and also a guitar player. Pat became friends with my middle school friend Brandon, and I knew Pat from freshman year but we were never like best buddies or anything. Not much happened sophomore year until about April, when we went on a band trip to Baltimore and Pat came along because the students from the guitar class were invited. By then, Pat and I were very close friends and he came along on the band trip with us, rooming with my brother, me, and his other football friend, Kevin, who I knew from elementary school. On the trip we went on a dinner cruise that involved another school, and Pat forced me to go find a girl to dance with. I was 15 years old, braces, red hair, and I had some pretty bad acne back then. “Eh…what the heck,” I said and I went up to all the girls and shouted “WHO WANTS TO DANCE WITH ME” which is not something I would ever do again in a million years. This one girl, her name was Jessica, put out her hand and said something like, “Alright cutie, I’ll dance with you.” She told me I was a pretty good dancer, but I know for a fact she was lying. She turned her backside to me and I found out what it was like to grind on a girl. My face was probably beet red, as I never imagined I would ever do something like that. Ever. All the guys were cheering me on and I was just thinking to myself, “This is crazy, but I kind of like it.” Jessica led me over to the drinks and we talked for a little while, about where we were from and what not. Jessica made her way back to her friends and I made my way back to mine so I thought that was the end of it. A slow dance song came on then her friends pushed her to me and my friends pushed me to her. I asked her, “So…would you like to dance with me then?” She gave me a response I will never forget and my friends still tease me about it to this day. Jessica said, “I only date black guys.” I felt so robbed and, at the time, I thought that was what it meant to be heartbroken. Looking back it’s probably the stupidest thing that’s ever happened to me, but that was an experience I’ll never forget. It was because of that trip that I really became closer with Patrick. I finally had someone my age that I could rely on, truthfully and honestly. Once I realized that, my world felt a lot brighter.
The final three months of my sophomore year (April, May, and June) were very crazy months, and this is really when things started happening. So many things went on that it’s hard to write about it all, but I’ll make it as readable as possible.

[I will edit and continue my story another day because I still have to cover my sophomore and junior year. It’s 2 A.M. and I need to rest. I’m thinking about starting a blog to write all my daily thoughts down after I finish recounting everything that’s happened up until now. I'm not even sure if anyone is reading this, but I really need to get my thoughts out. If you are reading, tell me if you think a blog would be a good idea and I'll definitely start it. Thank you so much.]
SmrtMouth SmrtMouth
18-21, M
Aug 17, 2014