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How Did This Happen?

Almost 2 weeks agi it was my 39 the birthday. My relationship wasnt going all that great. but we loved each other ( i still love him). and i knew we get through it. Every time we have hit a rough spot in our 4 yr relationship we came out of it loving each other more. The day of my birthday we had a few drinks. He went home i didnt want him to but he said it was a weekday and the following sat he said he would take me out for dinner and celebrate my birthday. The next day he woke up drunk. PHoned me and told him he probably wasnt going to be going to work. He phoned me later said he wasnt going to work and to go meet him. when i finally did..he was completly wasted. I knew it wasnt going to be too fun that day as i know how he can be when he's like this. On the way home..we took a bus...he kept telling me he wanted to get arrested. at one point he said he would beat me up so he could get arrested. I was thinking oh know here we go again. in the past 6 months everytime he got drunk he would enivitably get violent...whether it was just pushing or destroying something or actually hitting me it was ALWAYS something.

the wed after my birthday after we got off the bus he almost passed out on the sidewalk and wanted me to leave him alone. Of course i wouldnt. He then started hitting me in the face a number of times...in public no less. something i would of never thought he would. He ended up across the street jumping into traffic as he wanted me to watch him die.  I knew he wasnt serious because he would jump in too late. I walked away and went into a school yard to sit and have a smoke and think about what to do. he came and looked for me. and then came over and started kicking me. It seems someone called the police and he was arrested. I havnt seen or talked to him since.

He spent over a week in jail. We had a no contact order. he has since been released to house arrest. Cant go anywhere without his brother with whom he owns a house with. I have found out the emails i sent him were deleted he has blocked my emails. and hasnt talked to me in away shape or form. I know that if he does and is found out he could go back to jail . Its part of his bail conditions no contact whatsover with me. Cant even come within a block of my residence. The only message i have recieved from him was today. we have a 20 yr old son together. I had him call his dad because i want to keepthe phone number on the cell i had from him. but have my own account now. He told my son to tell me he wishes my the best of luck.

I MISS HIM SO MUCH. He always called me his best friend and soulmate. I KNOW what he did was so wrong. and that there is no excuse. I have seen him in the last 6 months really deterioate. Getting very depressed. He became someone i didnt really recognize. On the wed he called me he told me he loved me. And NOW there is nothing. NOTHING!! ITs soo hard. I just wish i could talk to him one last time. Does he love me still? Is it hard for him?? I wish i could know. I never had anything like this happen to me in my life. for a relationship to be sooo aruptly ended.  i hate this..i am soo lonely..i miss him soo much. How to I get through this?? I want see him , touch him speak to him at the very least. I know now i will never know the answeres to my questions...how does someone get past this???

bean2p bean2p 41-45, F Jul 27, 2009

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