The End?

I am 29 years old & have been with my husband since I was 19. He really is a good guy, he is always supportive of anything I do, & he is the most dependable person I have ever had in my life (besides my mom). However we have had intimicy issues for years. In the past I would cry & think something was wrong with me. I am attractive & have never had a problem with my weight so I couldn't understand why my 20 something husband did not want to have sex with me. When I would try to talk to him about it he would tell me life is not a soap opera or a fairy tale. So after several years of this I made a decision that I would not allow myself to be humiliated by this any more. (it's humiliating to feel like your husband doesn't "want" you) So I stopped trying to be romantic & I stopped trying for sex. Literally weeks sometimes months would pass & we wouldn't have sex.

About 2 years ago I began an affair with a guy I work with. He is 3 years younger than me & I was flattered by the interest he showed in me. We started to see each other & eventually it turned sexual. We had sex on multiple occasions but most of the time I would only have a few minutes after work so we would just talk, kiss, & hold each other. He was single & he knew I was married but we fell in love. I kept this secret from everyone I knew for obvious reasons, but also because I'm a professional woman with an image to uphold & he is an illegal immigrant from another country. I am in a successful position in our company & he is a grounds worker. However that didn't stop me. For 2 years he told me he loved me & I was the most important thing in his life. I could call him anytime day or night & he would gladly answer the phone and be happy to hear from me. If I had 5 free minutes he would happily drive across town for a few kisses. He started to tell me he wanted me to leave my husband & be with him. I actually entertained the idea for quiet a while but could not bring myself to do it. I knew he was getting tired of being alone, he told me that he would wait for me if I would just tell him how long, but I couldn't. So after 4 years of being in this country (2 years with me) he flew his "friend" in from their home country to live with him.

Long story getting shorter: I am heartbroken. I have NEVER been so jealous in all my life.I miss him so much, his lips, his eyes, the way he made me feel etc.. He wants to continue to be my boyfriend. He says he doesn't love her but he's tired of being alone. I can truly understand that but it hurts so bad.

I have decided to stay with my husband because thats what I'm "supposed to do". What kind of life could I honestly have with the other guy & my kids? I know in my heart that it would never work out over the long term. I have tried to let him go & be happy with his life. Today is the 3rd day I haven't called him (which is a big deal considering we've talked daily for 2 1/2 years) he calls me but I haven't answered.

I dont know what to do anymore. We always promised each other that we'd be friends when it ended but every time we try to talk the conversation always ends the same. He thinks its all my fault because we had our chance & I wouldn't leave my husband for him.

I know I probably deserve every tear I've cried but I am truly grieving for this person right now. I think he is planning to move to another state for work with his new girlfriend. I cannot bear the thought of never seeing him again but I know it has to end.

What to do??

abcdef abcdef
26-30, F
1 Response Oct 26, 2007

Thank you for commenting.<br />
Sometimes I say those exact things to myself but on the other hand I have so many "what if's".<br />
What if I left my husband & it didn't work out with the other guy. What if he has to go back to his country (as I said he is an illegal immigrant). <br />
I am so confused. In my head I belong with my family but in my heart I cannot stand the thought of never being with him again.<br />
<br />
I also have an update: I answered his call today & he was telling me he made the biggest mistake of his life by letting his friend come here. He still says he wants to be with me & he loves me so much but he doesn't want to be alone. Also he cares for her & he cant just leave her overnight because she literally has nobody else in this country.<br />
<br />
What the hell have I gotten myself into????