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Why Am I Not Good Enough For Him?

 

 

I started talking to this guy. And we talked for around 5 months everyday and mostly all day. I really liked him and believed he like me. So we became friends with benefits. Seeing as he wasn't over his ex yet. So I started liking him more and more. And he knew I did. But we kept being friends with benefits. and talking all the time. And well one day i told him to tell me the truth. How he really felt. So he told me that he never wants to date me. And well I got mad and kept asking him why and he wouldn't tell me. So i stopped talking to him. Then about a week later I talk to him and he tells me maybe one day he will wanna date me but right now he didn't know what he wants so he wanted to wait. And i said alright. I couldn't go back to talking to him like before because i didn't feel i had a right to. So i would text him randomly like over the next month. And when we talked he seemed interested and stuff. So i texted him the other day and he said he was stressed cuz he and his ex were maybe getting back together. So trying to be the better person i said good luck. Even though I'm crying inside. And since then I've cut off all ties with him. But i miss him. i feel like a part of me is missing. And i randomly cry because I miss him and want him back. Even though he was never mine. But i just want to know why am i not good enough for him. And why does he and every other guy want their ex over me. It makes me feel worthless like scum. I just want him to love me. someone to love me especially him. But he won't cuz he loves his ex. I just want to be good enough. But i'm not. And why am i not?

lecouerdelamer97 lecouerdelamer97 22-25, F 30 Responses Jan 15, 2010

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I have been going over this through my mind daily for almost two years now. That's how long it's been back and forth with my ex.

I have found myself praying that he is brought back to me, that he will just show up and ask me to marry him like he wanted to before. And I have tried to manipulate him into liking me, by noticing what he did like and change myself to fit that. He saw that and I think I've realized that's why he ended it. That's a very hard thing to admit because it's so shameful, but the point is that I became someone else, NOT MYSELF, not the woman he fell in love with, and I did that because I was insecure and I was allowing myself to get caught up in the moment. I wasn't stepping outside of the box to see the way I was behaving and see the truth about whether we actually did connect or not, how would I have ever known if I was acting like some version of a girl I THOUGHT he wanted? I can't read his mind. I was putting words into his mouth and making up thoughts he might be thinking. It was absolutely insane.

And he was tired of it. It doesn't mean he's bad. I can't hate him for falling out of love with me. He just couldn't do it anymore and that's what he told me. I don't think I'll ever know why I made those poor decisions and lost who I was because I was so afraid of making him mad or getting into an argument. If you're in a relationship where you never argue about things even playfully, then there is something wrong. You can't make a relationship last forever by just being "polite"

After the breakup we would go back and forth trying to make it work and it always seemed and felt so right to both of us, but after a few days it died out and he would end it. I would cry and say I don't understand and that he's making a mistake and I would beg him, I'd beg God inside to please just help us make it work. But it DIDN'T work. And so I gave up, I tried so hard but decided to give up, and I left him alone, I didn't call him or go find him at work or email him, he blocked me from Facebook and I'm glad he did because the truth of the matter is that I would have fb stalked him. I'll admit that. I think he knew that too and in fact he once admitted to me that couldn't look at my facebook or see my updates, he couldn't stand it, it would hurt him. That's been hard to swallow but I am slowly forgiving both of us for the downfall of the relationship and I'm starting to see that it's changing me.

Ok so maybe I really DID love him and the feelings were REAL. That doesn't mean that we absolutely HAVE to be together. What it means is I found another kindred spirit in this world, a best friend, that I connected with and right now I have something to learn from the time that we spent together. Will I be able to find another man who can be my best friend? It makes me think about how many guys I've been with that I've said OHHhh we are just so perfect for each other, we connect, I just love the way he is, he's amazing, we're amazing together, etc. etc. etc. We all feel that way with those best friend-type of people that we meet. There are many out there who will make you feel that way initially. If they can stick it out and if you can handle life's problems together in a mature fashion, and it clicks and it's wonderful, then you're golden. But both people have to work at it. NOT JUST YOU. If you're doing all the work, walk. And fast before you get emotionally deeper in it with them by just TOLERATING the behavior and giving in to the, "I don't know what I want" routine.

Watch out for the red flags. One big one is if you find yourself saying, "I love him even if he does this...or this..." and it's like NOT paying bills, or ALWAYS breaking plans, or standing you up, not buying you flowers on occasions, not being interested in what you have to say...THOSE are the red flags. You have to go on a date with a guy and watch how he speaks to you, watch if he's interested in you. Some people you may find are easier to talk to than others because you're both a certain type, like nerdy type or cool type or boring type, or sporty type. And if it doesn't work with that person in the first few dates, tell yourself ok it was worth a shot to see if we'd click, but I don't know crap about football and we can't carry on a conversation about it and he won't explain it to me if I ask. Whatever. Next!

Learn from it and go, and really keep this in the back of your mind. You don't want to rush into things by falling into the habit of falling in love. Just because you feel the warm fuzzy feeling, does not MEAN you're meant to be. And it doesn't give you the right to throw out the I Love You's, those are loaded words and they cause problems if you are just throwin them out there. And it scares guys. It scares girls too, I've been scared off plenty of times.

For me, I learned that I need to make better choices for myself and get a clear understanding of what I want in life. NOT what I want in a man. I can learn that by going on different dates with guys who aren't trying to get me into bed. I learned that I need to know what I want MY life to be like, what I want to be like. Find myself, so that when I find another kindred spirit that I CAN be nerdy with, we can take both of our lives that we've created for ourselves and share them with each other. So that when I'm faced with a situation that is based off of a fear or an insecurity, I'm going to want to know that I can talk to him and not be afraid to lose him if that conversation goes south. Because if I DO lose him I will be fine because I know that I still have MY OWN life that I LOVE so much and will be able to go back to.

Watch lots of break-up movies, get rid of anything that reminds you of that person. Music, movies you watched together, pictures, stay away from the romantic places, don't hate your friends that do have good relationships, DO NOT CONTACT HIM. I don't care if he makes it seem like it's ok, like, he's saying, "oh yeah lets get together and talk about this.." Just. No. Believe me things end for a reason. And take care of yourself, do that until things are easier. You will have relapses. You'll run into them or see them and it will bring it all back like a brick in the face. But you have to just take it in and let it go. Just let that feeling happen and each time it will get easier until you will clearly see that person as someone that you really don't need to be with. You don't need to waste any more of your time. Life goes by very quickly and before you know it you're 32 and still single, and COULD be 32 and married but are not because you spent two years going back and forth with someone who wasn't fully committed.

Take care everyone. Sorry for the REALLY long post.

I no the feeling cause I'm going through it now. Sounds like I should just give up an let him go. I want to be the only woman my man wants. I love him an wanted a little girl with him. I stood by him through any an everything he allowed me to be their for him for. My heart over rules my head an I almost always end up regretting my love for a person. Part of me wants to have that life with him, but then another part of me reminds me not to be his fool are keep being his doormat like I have been all this time. I really love him an I don't want to let him go. I've given up three (3) years of my life to be with him an I'm not sure if it was worth it after the lies an hoes. I'm hurting so bad inside an it's like when it does spill over an I can't hide it anymore an I show my hurt, it's like so what u hurt. It's not him so he shows me he don't care. Lately an I mean like in the last two weeks we have come to a turning point. He say he want to be with me but I want him to be with me an only me like I am with him. I'm sure I've had better males than him try to talk to me but I love my guy, I think of him ( not all the wrong things he's done to me) an turn them down. My love is real 100%, that's what I give an that's what I need back.

I feel you. I fell for someone online... We're still best friends to this day. But she never loved me in return, but at one point promised to keep an open mind.... and the other day in a depressed fit I told her it felt like she never will. I released her from her promise and said if she still keeps an open mind about me, it would be by choice and not under any obligation. In her reply, she did not argue, or state that things can remain unchanged. She was quite blunt and although I respect her honesty.... I was devastated.

I've been crying my eyes out every moment I have alone for days now. And I'm already under a lot of strain otherwise... The level of pain the human creature can survive is really quite.... incredible. But I wish the pain and despair I'm feeling right now would just ******* kill me and get it over with.

Oh.... you had more than I did out of it, I never got to meet her IRL, and probably never will be granted such a blessing. I'm not saying I'm worse off or your pain is less than mine. I just want you to know: I envy you what you had. And grieve with you for your liss of what was never yours. I'm right there with you.

The other day, I started crying, many tears ran down my face, for around 5-10 minutes I was crying, at that time there were 30 people in the room and guess what no one noticed. And then when my 3 best friends did, I told them I didn't feel well. When I was fine.

I lied, I cried and I broke down. And that was all because of him.

I know how u feel cuz I'm pergo with my ex baby and he left me for his ex and I hurt everyday and its been only 2 months since we haven't talked and haven't even seen him.

I have recently gone through something simular. Its not easy and when you think your ok something will remind you of him and the tears flow. At times I felt so empty. I just wanted to scream I felt like my heart was screaming and he couldnt hear me. But it does get better to deal with well you will learn to deal with it. Women are the strongest animals ever created. We can overcome anything our problem is that we let our feels take over and control us. I have found someone new and he is a good guy. I do often remember the great times but then like a women and the ***** we all are I think of all the horrible things he ever said or did to me and that makes it easier for me to deal with. At times I wish I could hate him for waisting my time but deep down I love him and thats ok because we meet people for reasons some to love and others to make us stronger...

You don't need to feel that way because of him. It's best not to ever sleep with someone before you get with them because most guys have nothing to work towards even if they did like you originally. Someone will come along and will never want to let you go

Ease I don't want to be like this!

Wow I really thought I was the only one facing any type of situation like this. I met a guy last year came off so sweet and charming, it lasted for months then all of a sudden he became so distant. I would ask what was the problem it was as of when he seen how deeply I fail for him he turned into someone I never knew! I asked him how he felt about me he said he just want to be friends. The texting and calls stopped I felt crushed and feel very lead on bc he was always saying he loved me. I try to cope and press on leaving this heartache behind but right now I am crushed.

All of you should look into a mirror and say "I love you" to yourself, that will help you get over those men and value yourself in order to prepare yourself for the right person. Before you start any relationship it is important to discuss about what you want and ask the man what he wants out of this. Men understand and respect a woman that will ask them to lay out the cards before they start a relationship. Men don't think like women, the more a man invest into a relationship, (could be time, effort, financially) the more he values the woman and the relationship. Often we see women investing 200% into a relationship and the men leave them to be with a woman that they have to make efforts to be with. Don't invest too much into a relationship unless the man shows by his actions that you're the woman he wants. Actions mean actions not words, (he introduces you to his friends as his girlfriend, he introduces you to his parents, and he plans things to do with you and talks about a future with you). In the mean time you need to take care of yourself, go to the gym that will put you in a better mood. Take care of yourself, occupy yourself with hobbies etc. Don't shower him too much with you love, leave a little bit inside. Men back away when the women shower them too much with their love, they feel there's something wrong with the woman and they don't like it. Be yourself; love yourself because if you don't love yourself how do you expect someone else to love you. Look at yourself every day in the mirror and say I love you" to yourself.

Your right time does heal all wounds. It has been a long time and I haven't thought about him for a while. I did think back and felt all the old pain but I knew there was nothing I could do now. Just said for things I could've done differently. Thanks though. Been having different issues lately though.

I randomly came across this and I have to say I'm surprised that so many people are in the same situation as I too ended up in. I was friends with this guy for 5 years. We dated a bit 5 years ago when we met but I ended up being his rebound girl. We didn't really see each other much after that but then a little over a year ago we ended up becoming friends again (due to working together on something) and he was getting out of a breakup with his fiance. I wasn't the first girl he was with after his breakup but we ended up in a friends w/t benefits situation for about 4 months. He made it perfectly clear he wasn't interested in dating me and he said he wasn't ready to start dating in general. Then out of the blue he meets this girl online and tells me in an email he has a date. I ran into him one day after his date and he tells me he really likes this girl. So that's that. I've been crying on and off for the past 2 weeks just sad and wondering "Why wasn't I good enough for him?" I've listened to him complain about everything under the moon and I've tried to be a good friend but I'm realizing that it just doesn't matter. You can't make someone love you. But I will try to find someone who will.

I am suffering deep rejection issues at the moment from the guy whom I believed was the love of my life, he however is back with his ex as I write. He lead me a merry dance and used me, I blame myself and 7 months on I still sob now and again. Time helps but will I ever love like that again? Probably not. I adored him and I can't imagine my life with anyone else hence why I feel so rejected. He however comes up trumps and is back with his 'true love'. I'd like to give positive advice but sometimes the pain is just too much. I believe time will help and this is what I'm clinging to. Good luck ;)

I know exactly how this feels. I'm not really the type of girl to just be friends with benefit with someone. With me its all or nothing, either we're just friends or we're in an actual relationship. I met a Brazilian guy in January, we had a mutual attraction, stayed in touch. Then began just having "fun", which after one month turned into feelings and we became boyfriend and girlfriend. Then about 2weeks ago we decided to just be "friends"..but we both know its more than that. We are in this situation because he couldn't handle the committment of the relationship. There is also an ex on the scene, she is also Brazilian and is back living there. I wish I had the guts to cut ties with him but the wound is still very raw. I still care about him a lot, so if being "friends with benefits" is the only way I can stay with him, then thats what i'm doing. Don't begin to think for one moment its your fault, he's the one who can't handle his own life!!!

Hi I just randomly typed in why I am not good enough for him and come across your article, I am sobbing my eyes out as I am in similar situation and but the guy I was seeing for last 9 months wasn't back with his ex but he fall in love with someone he meet on flight for 3 hours while travelling in Brazil. I asked him where we stand just before he left to travel and he said, I am not good enough and he is not looking for anything serious so now knowing he is with some 20 years old Brazilian just broke my heart. And now reading yours, I just know exactly how you must feel :(

There could be many reasons why he didn't want to date you, but you shouldn't focus on why he didn't want to date you and instead go out, have fun, and meet interesting men that YOU want to date. Don't think about him and what he wants- he was never in the picture, he wasn't your boyfriend so you don't have to care about his feelings. This is about what you want and focusing on what makes you happy. It's understandable why you miss him- you guys were hooking up and that sort of physical intimacy is hard to shake, but don't let him in because of it. I recently dated a guy who did the same thing to me- making tons of excuses about not wanting a relationship. I learned that I was wasting my time, I cut off all ties, and moved on. Everybody deserves to be loved, and we all have self-doubt. I would suggest making a list of qualities you want in your next lover/partner/boyfriend, every single time you meet someone make sure they fit the qualities you seek and the moment you feel that person isn't giving you what you want- walk away and find some one else.



As females, sometimes we forget our own powers and succumb to insecurity. I am sure you are attractive, gorgeous, wonderful, smart, etc. You will find someone that loves you and who you love- if it ain't mutual then you are only hurting yourself. Keep in mind that you have to take care of yourself (mentally especially). Do whatever it takes to stay mentally and physically healthy because at the end of the day the most important and precious thing in your life is you and you have to validate your own self-worth and not let spineless a**holes like this get to you. Be confident and move on!

It's not about you. I know that sounds mean, but you and the ex are two totally different scenarios with this guy. He is holding on to "what could have been" with the ex, and that cancels out any possibilty at this time, of "what could be" with you. Don't take it personally. He just wanted a NSA sex only relationship with you, and you gave him what he wanted. He isn't ready for you yet. My advice is to look for a friend who doesn't have a fresh ex waiting in the wings. Be yourself. Be true to yourself. Sometimes being lonely for a little while pays off. Don't settle. There isn't anything wrong with you that a little bit of self esteem won't fix. Good luck dear.

I'm in that situation right now I believe

and with the benefits he was the one that got them i gave him a hand job. he never touched me so i dont know if that's true. and thanks everyone but he was just an ***. he's rude. we weren't meant to be. and yeah i was willing to have friends with benefits and i did tell him way to much way to fast. but me and him just weren't meant to be. and thanks for all the help.

Hunny, listen to me. It's not you. It's not ABOUT you not being good enough or doing something wrong. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you, you deserve to be loved, it's just simply that he has already fallen in love before he knew you, and it is hard to forget real love. I know your situation, I used to have a guy I was friends with benefits with, and later on his feelings towards me grew deeper and eventually he said he loved me, however I still couldn't get over my ex, even after being thousands of miles away form him, for a year and a half! And even though this friend of mine does absolutely anything for me, and he is the sweetest, most purely loving guy ever, who would truly die for me, I still can't control my feelings to forget my ex. I'm sure he feels the same way too. You are not able to tell yourself whom to love, it is something you will never be able to control. I know it hurts, and I don't want to disappoint you, but as long as he has this girl, he sure won't be able to truly love anybody else for a long time.

Just try to move on, I know it's hard (believe me, I do, I've been trying to move on for 1.5 years now), but time heals all wounds.

Good luck!

I'm with what oliver5030 just said.

You two are just simply not a match.

lecouerdelamer97: We're all glad that you appreciate all of our advice! That's great that you promised yourself that you won't "rush into things" the next time that you meet a guy! Be sure to keep us updated. With all of that said, I'm looking forward to seeing future stories of yours.

I know what you mean this exactly happened to me twice in a row! The last guy I was with we were on and off we talked everyday but yet he could still not committ to me saying he does not want a relationship at this stage of his life. Once his ex comes back into the picture its all on with her. He turned out to be an A******E and it breaks my heart that hes treating her so wonderfully with taking her on trips etc. It is a horrible situation and now hes cut off all ties with me. If you need to talk to someone give me an email, I'd be happy to help :)

Yes, that's the best you can do. I feel the same way, I rushed things too much and now I have nothing.

These are all good possible reasons. And I have taken each into account. But I still can't help but feel there is something wrong with me. And i know for a fact that I told him to much to fast. And I rushed things to fast. It's nobodies fault but my own. Thanks for all the council and advice. With the next guy I'm not going to be so quick to do anything or say anything. I want it to be equal and to say things at the right time.

I just came across your story. I want you to know I've been through the same thing. They go to you and flirt, but then they change personalities day by day. Like its a game. I want you to know it is not you, in the end they'll be unhappy in life due to every wrong choice catching up to them! Meanwhile you will be in a better posistion in life, and I promise u they will see how much better you came out, and he will envy what he bluntly threw away. You're not trash. He is

The friends with benefits things is always tough, it is fun at first but after a while feelings can and will develop with one person or both. I am going through one right now, we talked all the time and got along great and would hook up once and a while. I poked around at the idea of me starting to like her a lot, she did not know how to handle it and just seems to ignore me, I gave her time but I really want to be with her, i want her company. I am heart broken over it.

Love is tough but time heals all wounds, I know how hard it is :( . you are not alone in your story, I hope things get better for you.

The friends with benefits things is always tough, it is fun at first but after a while feelings can and will develop with one person or both. I am going through one right now, we talked all the time and got along great and would hook up once and a while. I poked around at the idea of me starting to like her a lot, she did not know how to handle it and just seems to ignore me, I gave her time but I really want to be with her, i want her company. I am heart broken over it.

Love is tough but time heals all wounds, I know how hard it is :( . you are not alone in your story, I hope things get better for you.

I don't want to sound mean or anything either, but, the way that I see it, there are many possible explanations as to why he did this:



1. maybe when you talked to him, you might have told him too much about you



2.He may have been "building you up and tearing you down", or "toying with your emotions" (because he obviously knew that you liked him)



3. Maybe, as OpensoulSearcher said above: "maybe you are the one who's just a little too willing to become the "friend with benefits" "



4. To tag along with what my last point was, maybe he thought that "you were the one who wanted to be friends with benefits" and maybe he had "no benefits to recieve from you in return" . In other words: "maybe, there was nothing that he could recieve from you as a benefit" (not trying to sound mean with that comment) . In other words: "Maybe it wasn't reciprocal"



5. Maybe "he doesn't know who he wants to be in life or what he wants"



6. Maybe he "wanted to manipulate you and see you hurt" (after you guys had talked for a while)



7. Maybe his ex became jealous of you (if he told his ex that he was talking to you)



My point is: there are several possible explanations as to why this guy "didn't want to date you".

It's not you you are perfectly fine and you deserve love. Just sometimes the person you think is right, just isn't.

I hope everything works out for you and I'm sure you'll find love again :)