F F F And F'd In Florida

seems he exited my life as quickly as he entered it.  Hiding behind excuse after excuse, retirement, his mother's illness, the cold weather in NJ. 

We met 15 months ago..........online.  After he persisted, I sent him one e-mail to his maybe every 6.  Finally I gave in, and we graduated from the e's to the phone every night from 9 to like 12 midnight.  Me living in the south and him far north, we talked like this for about 2 months religiously.  Finally the day came and we met face to face, he flew my way.  It was magical.  Somewhere in my head I told myself "This is too good, something's gotta go wrong at any minute".  He ended up sick that 4 days and I took care of him.  There was no awkwardness, we had fallen in love BEFORE we met.  Would I realize later, a relationship shouldn't peak at the start.  We took turns flying back and forth throughout the year, meeting each other's families (mine in PA).  I learned NJ culture, he learned FLA culture, whatever there is of it here (blah).  I loved the people there, found them to be not "mouthy", rather to me they were bonded,  very generous and courteous of and to one another.  I will miss those folks up there,so unique.  In the interim he begged me to relocate, but I realized it was too soon, mixed with my responsibilities here (job, bills etc), it was not time, it's still not time.  I figured we'd have a plan of action by the end of Dec with his retirement.  Retirement and Christmas come, I'm up there doing all the holiday and family stuff.  January he flies back here to spend the month.  He's moody, pacing ,,,, to say the least not at all happy with this adjustment of not being a working man anymore, his identity gone, he's like a caged animal.  The month didn't go too well.  He leaves as planned to go back to NJ, and suddenly our phone texting schedule is off.  I'm not hearing from him, when I do, since I'm still confident I can ask, "WTF" is up"? I'm not getting any answers, just excuses.  He doesn't feel like a man anymore, he hates not having a schedule (finances are not an issue here), just lack of routine, now his 94 yr old mother is ill, and he's busy shoveling snow all the time.  He says he loves me all throughout, but he doesn't know who he is anymore and he needs time "alone".  Like he's not 1000 miles away already for that. 

In the duration of the relationship, he had a suspicious nature and I had to endure that and reassure him constantly that I was holding up my end of loyalty down here.  I went thru this with him for the first several months.  I rearranged my life as I had known it, always loving my independence, and put him first, by, dodging calls from friends so I could be on the phone with him, stoppiing the partying with the girls (which I never really did much of anyway), and reformatting visits with my family.  I taught him to cook, tried to get him off the cigs (that never worked) listened to his baseball issues (he plays on an over 60 league), made sure he had his milk with his cookies,  sat with him on the couch while he howled over TV sports,  covered him with blankets when he was cold, just basically took care of his every need.  Looking back, so sorry I catered to him like that, (we women what's wrong with us sometimes?)  So, in the end I get the retirement excuse, and the "I need time alone". 

It's been 4 weeks now, no more phone calls or text's, I'd rather not have them as they were so strained as it was, just like an obligation thing.  The package of his belongings sits under an extra bed and every week I'm gonna send it back with a new letter or note,,,,,,,,,,I think on it then I re-think on it. 

I guess the biggest thing,,, I just wish I could be back to myself again, the person who loved living alone, loved visiting friends, loved painting on canvas, loved TV and music.  Now all of this is an enemy to me, because there are too many reminders.....................................

sisadj sisadj
3 Responses Feb 27, 2010

Thanks, the box contains the painting I did for him regarding his "retirement" and his yearbook. I guess I couldn't be that cruel. I'll figure that part out. I really appreciate your advice and your attention. I think this will be a good site for me as far as written ex<x>pression. How are YOU doing with your situation? Thank you.

My advice is to get rid of the box. I wouldn't bother sending it back, though, give it to Goodwill or a homeless shelter or something. Hanging on to it is like hanging on to the pain. If he wanted the stuff he would have said something about it now. You need to cater to yourself more than you did for him. Take care of yourself, love yourself, hug yourself. ALWAYS listen to that inner voice and never give in. (I am advising myself as I type to you). He is not worth your time and you deserve better. I know it sucks to be alone, especially when you are in pain like this, but time will soften the edges and you will come out of this stronger than you were. If you need to talk send me a msg. I have been where you are (even the catering part) so I feel your pain. Again I say, take care of yourself. Do nice things for you. Hugs

i am not an expert lol of course, but i think you should be good to yourself and at your own pace get back to your hobbies and friends. maybe your friend stepped back a while to "re-group" his new place in life and if it is meant to be, you will resume relationship. anyway god bless you and take care.