My Illegal Story

I've been married for 7 years, and just recenly had the courage to admit  that he was not right for me. I've be seeing a psychotherapist for the last year as I was chronically depressed and she helped me to see many things, but what really opened my eyes is that romance I had (or have?) at work - I never dated anyone after marriage till this Christmas, when my coworker (who's married with  children) confinded that he had loved me since the moment he saw me when we both started that job.

 

We were hugging secretely and were passionately in love. Everything between us seemed to match so perfectly, I couldn't believe it was happening to me. In fact, I was so addicted to this relationship, I have completely lost myself.

 

After several months we had to stop as guilt was overwhelming me and we were almost cought at work, which could ruin both our carriers (but it was his desision and he stick to it).

All that time was the living hell, as he was still there every day and was so adamantly pretending that nothing ever happened between us, that I was too embarassed myself to bring up my feelings. I was crying everyday, burring my face in his coat when nobody could see, listening to our common songs. I just was to mention increadibly kind book which pulled me through the darkest nights - "The Wisdom of Broken Heart by Susan Piver". And yoga/meditation classes.  Friends surfaced up out of  nowhere. I brought some confidence back to my life.

So recently my wish came true - he came up to me and said he was pretending all that time and truthfully, he never got over me. So we are kind of back in business again (snogging), but it's not the same as it used to be emotionally. That feeling of betrayal and loneliness are hard to forgive and I lost my illusions - it's best for him to try to improve situation in his current family, while I'll be probably separating mine).

But at least I'm not crying everyday now. And I'm not depressed anymore since the moment I've realized my marriage is not right for me. I manages never to take antidepressants, even at the shakiest times thanks to meditation. Since our relationship have restarted (kind of)  

 I feel wanted again (since I am  contemplaiting the divorse, it feels great to feel lovable). we'll see what future brings. I'm a little confused now. I''ve never lived alone and the thought of separation is scarry. And now I have to be truthful to my heart. Main thing - not to lose myself again... The worst thing I can't share this with anybody, sibce the relationship is not legal. I just have several more months to work with him, and then we will work in different places (which was defined by the contract before).

May be somebody can give an advice?

Has anyone been in a similar situation?

Different perspective?

Vasilissa Vasilissa
31-35, F
4 Responses Mar 5, 2010

I have been in a simular situation and all I can say is what you already said.....'be true to you'.....take off the rose colored glasses and really truely look at things. Cherish everything that made you happy and remember that and continue your search for what can give that to you 'legally'....good luck to you :)

The key words for me are"it's best for him to improve situation"This is exactly what he is doing in this case.He said he was pretending all that time.Now please take ten minutes of your time and listen to that odd voice in your head that told you or warned you at the time he said he was pretending,that something was not quite right with what he said.During this ten minutes,think also about how you put every doubt at the back of your mind and forgot it because you thought everything was right again with the world.The truth of the matter is that he had to tell you all that or he couldn't get you to sleep with him again.He is playing a very dangerous game.He wants his sex for the rest of the time you are working together.then it will stop because you aren't convenient any more.He will just move on to the next woman he works with.take your own precautions and find out more but not from him,or asking him things.I think you will soon see a pattern.If you have gone without a divorce for this long it wont hurt to wait a while more before committing yourself to this man.I firmly believe it is so unusual as to catch my attention as i was glancing through ep.good luck.

What about your husband? How is this whole thing affecting him?

Hi,<br />
Thank you for the comment, I really appreciate your nonjudjemental approach.<br />
I agree, I should let go, and in fact starting from summer we'll be living in different states, so the separation is inevitable... But as long as we work togeather for the last several months... I don't know what's harder... expressing my feelings to some degree even though it makes me feel guilty or ignoring and suppressing them again (which I already was painstakingly doing over the last several months following our first separation).