Happy Yet Sad Ending

I am married for about 5 months. My husband and I got married last March 19, 2011. It was a parental arrangement. Both our parents have decided for us to be together. As woman, I was very hesitant entering into marriage, but since it was a decision from my parents especially from my mother, I then said yes. At first I was really determine to work this marriage out and I am confident to it even though I didnt have tried entered into relationship ever, but it was all a mistake. I, then realize that I have so many lacking. From then on, I realize so many things that made me realize, how stupid am I, having little knowledge over so many things. It made me sad realizing so many. I didn't foresee this thing before. For almost 5 months of marriage. I've gone through a lot of changes. It even made think for us to have our separate ways due to unreconciled thoughts and things inside me. However, thinking those stuff made realize how unlucky i am if i do that. The reason is that, his family is so nice, a religious one. But i have to, i dont want to keep him in my silent world.

Recently, he was playing "skyscarper" by demi lovato and somehow, it hurts because it seems like, he is pertaining to me.
Maybe soon, my husband will be someone in power, and i'll be thankful for that because I didnt hinder him from achieving it....but it would be unlucky for me because i'll be staying in this quiet life and missy life i have due to my own fault.

Even though my feelings i have is all gone. I am saying "I love you" and "I'm sorry. I just don't know how to handle things in place. The past few months. I am always wishing to some soul enter in my body just to change the me in me. Somehow, i also would wish to have an accident instead, so that it would not be so painful on my part and be reborn again to change everything. But this only just a mere wish.  Letting him go is the most regretful thing I'll do. But as a consequence if this thing happens, is turning everything down in my life and start a new thing if I can. My job, my life and enter in a state of isolation. I dont know if it will be forever, but it somehow i am at peace. And I will not be getting married. He will be my first and last.
Eureka85 Eureka85
22-25, F
4 Responses Aug 22, 2011

Before u marry u have to pray very hard because marriage is just like a school where everybody is free to learn.

I am a young Egyptian love not know the woman know you love and possible marriage

parental arrangement. which country r u from?

im from philippines, here in asia.

these parental arrangement marriages do not work for everyone. some parents are very sincere in finding the right partner for their children, where as some others just want to get rid of their children and responsibility.

I'm sorry you feel that way. It seems you are in the marriage not for youreself but for your families, you are making other people happy and its draining you, the person who should be happiest. You ahve reached the pinnacle and you can't give what you don't have. Follow you heart, what is it telling you, what is it you really want to do given the circumstances? Make you happy, let that be your first goal everyday and I can bet you it wil ease some pain and hopefuly one day you will be genuinely happy because of what you are doing.