Warmth

The seventh entry to my memoir "A Child Born From Sin"

Why does a family love you...
Why do they hold you...
Why do they comfort you...
Why do they want to be around you...
Why do they raise you...
Why do they care...

Do they have too or they want too...
Is it a responsibility or a choice...
Or is it just instinct...

Why were you the first one to show me comfort, Big Brother? In 18 years no one looked at me the way you did that day, with such such concern and care, you really were worried about me when no one else bothered to care...but why...I'm just your half brother...born from our father's affair...why do you care?

So many tears have run down my face in the past few months; I question this new found care every single night...I don't understand...why does he care? I'm nobody to him...but yet when I confessed to him my childhood abuse...he cared...but it can't be possible

I've always been all alone...with no one to stand by me...
Whether it be the nights I was beaten...whether it be the nights I was recovering
whether it be the nights I wanted someone...I was always alone,
All alone these 18 years...
Trapped in the shell of my body
as my soul breaks a tear,
first one, then three, then 10, then countless,
I walked around in the landscape of self to find someone...anyone,
but there was never anyone, it was just me

That day, Big Brother broke open the shell,
countless became many and many became few until there were none,
he was there...within eyesight...I had found someone,
I ran to him with one seemed like hope in my eyes,
I got closer and closer until eventually he wasn't there...
He was gone...the hope in my eyes vanished within a simple blink...
In the depths of my heart I was still all alone...

I finally had the warmth I had so long desired...just for it to vanish...
Yet something had changed...my heart was burning red...A strong passion grew...
What was this feeling? This feeling thats burning my chest...It was taking over...
I couldn't breathe...I couldn't move...all I could feel was the intense burn...
Until finally I screamed "Don't leave me big brother"...
One became countless and the burn grew tenfold, I kept screaming to the empty wasteland hoping he would here me, "Don't leave me big brother, don't leave me"
My whole body was burning red...What was happening to me...I don't understand...
I kept screaming and screaming until I couldn't anymore...
Sadness and frustration fell over me...I was so confused...why was I screaming?
Why was I burning? What did I do? What did I change?
I had no answers...then finally a small whisper from my lips...
"I Love you, Big Brother"
Cerorizo Cerorizo
18-21, M
Apr 18, 2013