My Husband Been Having An Affair For 3 Years

My story begins with the loss of my still born son.  I delivered my son on Jan 14, 2010.  He was born with the cord wrapped around his neck.  It was my 8th
child with my husband of 21 years.  We have one daughter and 6 sons ranging in age from 21 down to 2.  I have been through hell since this has happened to me but I realized I really wasn't in complete hell yet!  By June I figured I would take my 6 sons on vacation back to my hometown of Boston.  We stay with my husbands family when we come home as they have a home on a lake.  Well, my husband flew up for a few days to attend his parents anniversary party.  One night he was out front drinking with his brother.  It was late and I was already in bed.  My husbands phone rang and he answered it and walked away.  When he returned my brother in law asked who it was.  My husband replied..Barbara...don't you remember her?  Come to find out, on the two occasions that my brother in law visited with us in GA, this woman had met them at a local bar for a drink.  My husband told him it was a co worker and he thought nothing of it.  He then started connecting the dots after the phone call and asked Jim if he was having an affair.  My husband just put his finger up to his mouth as if to say "Shush".  My brother in law felt horrible all night and decided to confront me with the situation.  He said I think Jim is doing something you need to be aware of.  So we decided to look into the phone records.  I could go back for 2 1/2 years and her phone number was plastered all over his phone at all hours, text messages at all hours and while I was on vacation with my sons, there were lapses in time on the phone bill with her number.  I know that at those times, she was either at my house or he was staying with her at her house.  When confronted...he admitted he had a friend named Barbara but that was it, just  a friend.  I asked...a friend that I didn't know about for 2 1/2 years is ridiculous.  He continues to deny having sex with her and said he just liked to hang out with her because she liked to party and smoke pot and I don't.  So not only did I lose a precious little baby, but not 6 months later I learned my husband was having a long standing affair.  This woman even emailed me and told me that their relationship was inappropriate but she felt I didn't appreciate him enough. Needless to say, I am filing for a divorce and trying to pick up the pieces of my life.  I don't understand why a man can't understand that even if there was no sex, an emtional relationship with another woman is just as painful.  Although I firmly believe they did have a sexual relationship.  My life is in total turmoil trying to raise 7 children now that have to know what being a divorced family is like.  I could never go back to him knowing that while I was in the hospital delivering a dead baby...he was on the phone with his girlfriend!  I was in the hospital for a week, it took me 3 days to deliever him and then I neeeded emergency surgery to get the placenta out and then a blood transfusion as I had lost so much blood.  While I was in that hospital he had 52 text messages to her in one day and 2 hours after my son was born, he was on the phone with her for 37 minutes!  Can anyone help me understand what kind of man would do that to his wife of 21 years?
Mommyof7 Mommyof7
41-45, F
3 Responses Sep 30, 2010

Dear mum of 7, my history is similar to yours. I have been with my husband for 14 years, we have been married for 12 years, we have two children age 10 and 11. Last December I found out he is been cheating on me for 3 years and this is 2nd time he’s cheating on me. When I found out I wanted divorce but he doesn’t want divorce he said I am the only one he loves and his lover doesn’t mean anything to him. What I don’t understand, if she doesn’t mean nothing to him, why they been seeing each other for 3 years, and if he loves me why did he had an affair

I am a married man, who has been having an affair with a married woman for 3 years. I am not leaving my wife, and nor is she leaving her husband. Neither one of us are IN love with our spouses, but we don’t mind keeping them around. We don't mind going on trips with our spouses, buying them gifts, spending our money on them, we care ignor spouses have eaten, or if they've gotten a good rest,. We still love our spouses, but we are not attracted to our spouses romantically, So the love turns to more of a bestfriend type love.

I know people may say, if you don’t want them, let them go… No.. I need my wife to continue to cook, clean, take care of my kids, wash my clothes, etc.. And Pay her part of the bills.. I am also very familiar with my wife and have a history and children, so I'm not exactly ready for permanent changes. My married lover understands this, because she too has a family... But at night we dream and wish for each other. The wife just caught me at a good time, because if I had known my married lover before I met my wife,. I would have married her instead. In order to make love to my wife, I have to think about my lover, for without doing so, I can't perform... Sometimes I feel sorry for my wife because she thinks I enjoy her, but as soon as she's done.. I set up a day with my lover, so I can feel the real thing.. Even after a business trip, I want to see my lover before I go home.

I look forward to being with my lover. My wife is a bore, but I married her, made a commitment so I put up with her, but that's only to save face because I can’t go and tell my friends and family what I'm doing, how can I just look my wife in the eye and tell her that I don’t want her, without feeling bad for it? I know it's wrong, and i can't just alright hurt someone's feelings... So that's why I cheat, ... To keep from hurting her feelings.

I try to keep it away, but.. It somehow exposes itself whether it be in our treatment toward our spouses (you are always irritated with your spouse, because you're stuck somewhere you don't want to be...Wishing you were with your lover) so you silently compare them,. We can give off the sense that our spouses do nothing right.

My married lover got mad at me once, and told my wife about our affair through social media, (I didn’t care, but...) I had to stop talking to my lover until the air cleared, and then I was right back with her…so I will say this to any married person being cheated on… It doesn’t matter how much you cry, jump up and down, yell, scream until you are blue in the face., the affair will not stop because the spouse found out and their feelings get hurt … it does not stop, even though we will tell you it did!

There’s a difference between "What you want to do,". Versus, "What you are suppose to do",.,Most time our nagging mates are trying to get us to do what we are suppose to do, but we want to do what we want to do, wish isn't them, lol! And also what our mates don't realize is that their fussing,?nagging, and complaining, provides us with the excuse and reason needed to leave for a few moments to be with the want we want. Real talk.

Because the lover means something to him, just like you do. unfortunately.

Oh My! As awful as my situation is I couldn't imagine yours. I will pray the Lord guide and watch out over you and your children. Truly-there are so many divorces going on around me right now that I can't help but think that noone can stay faithful. - I suppose that is stereotypical but that seems to be my luck. I am in my mid thirthies and have never cheated on a man but for some reason they do. what gave you strenght and courage to do what you are doing now.- Meaning left you husband? Some days I can't tell whether I am coming or going-one this is forsure though I never knew I could love someone so much that hurts me.

a man who just does not care about honey. Get out before it is to late.