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My Husband Let Me Become Really Good Friends With A Woman He Slept With A Long Time Ago...

I have been with my husband for almost 14 yrs. and tomorrow is our 10 yr anniversary.  Unfortunately, I probably will not be celebrating it. 

About three yrs ago my son had some new friends over that he met in our neighborhood. Great kids! But, when their mom came to get them my husband knew who she was.   They made it out to me that they were friends from high school days. A few days later, his sisters were over and I mentioned that I met this girl, and they knew exactly who she was.....and told me that she was my husbands stalker back in the day!  They warned me that she was in love with him back then (but it was 15 yrs ago) and that I shouldn't befriend her.  I really was not concerned with the fact that she was in love with him so long ago.  I asked my husband many times if he ever was involved with her sexually and he said NO. He just said that she did have a thing for him and seemed to end up everywhere he went. He said that they hung out with the same click.  I told my husband that I didn't care if they were sexually involved or anything that I understood that he had a life before me. I just did not feel comfortable being friends with her if they had been. He said over and over and over that they were never involved at all. Just her crush, not his.  

Me and this girl became friends after her persistant calls, and showing up at my house almost daily. She obviously had no friends and our kids were very good friends and went to school together. A year or so past, and I really liked her and fell in love with her children. Me and her had alot of good times together. One night I confronted her with her and my husbands past. I told her that I really felt it was none of my business to ask her since it was before I met my husband but that I wanted her to tell me. She said that one night she went home with him from a bar and that they woke up the next morning naked. They didn't really remember much about what happened...but that they assumed they had sex. I saw red at that moment!  I was not mad at her, I was mad at him for lying to me.  She admitted that she had a big crush on him, and said that she may of thought she was in love but now she was not. She said it was nothing for me to be concerned with because it was a long time ago. 

I confronted my husband with what she told me and he got angry. he started with the why does it matter it was before you crap. Tried to flip it around on me saying I was being insecure and jealous. That's not it at all though. I am a very insecure person, but I was angry because he lied to me and let me become friends with her.  

Three yrs have went by, & still I am friends with her. About a week ago, my husband and I got into a pretty bad argument and he left. He went to his friends house to cool off. I was really upset that he didnt come home for a few hours so I went looking for him, and my friend (LOL) (the girl) was here with me, so she rode with me there. I was told he was not there. his truck was not there. But, I know him and knew he was there or next door which is also a friend of ours. My friend went to neighbors to see if he was there, and she said he wasn't. Later that night I get a call from him that he needed me to come and get him because his tail lights were not working. He was where I went!!!! His truck was hidden. Before I left to go and get him, for some reason I just had this feeling that he was at the neighbors that my friend went to check for him at...so I said to her "Im leaving to go get him now, but before I go if u saw him at the neighbors house u need to tell me now, because he will." She just sat in silence. She admitted that she had seen him there and tried to convince him to come and talk to me.  At that very moment I felt like such a fool.  All the warnings I got from my husbands sisters about her started rolling through my brain. I decided I would not speak to her anymore since she chose to lie to me for his sake. They are not friends. He doesnt even like the fact that I hang out with her because he feels like it just causes me and him problems. Although the real issue is the fact that he lied in the very beginning,  I would have never been put in the position I am today if he had just told me the truth. 

I spoke to her on the phone and she has cried and begged me to please understand that she just didnt tell me he was there because she was afraid that if she had of we may have gotten into a bigger argument at the friends house. I dont know what to think about it. I just think that friends are supposed to be loyal to one another. 

i know they were friends back in high school, but they barely speak to one another, atleast around me. He acts like he doesnt want her around so please dont think that she didnt tell me because they are friends too. They arent. She is always telling me that me and him shouldnt be together because we have been arguing alot for a while now. She tells me that all the time. Now that I think about the whole picture I am really wondering what is really going on. 

Someone please tell me what to do. I am lost. I love her, I really do. I enjoy being friends with her, but now I don't trust her intentions. Do u blame me?


tiffanycrowe5836 tiffanycrowe5836 31-35, F 5 Responses Jul 19, 2011

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y to blame you dear...ur perfect.......just leave her friendship....................

no i dont blame you for being worried. it seems (as usually happens) if they had a thing before you and him she will probably feel obligated to protect him rather than you . sorry :(

no i dont blame you for being worried. it seems (as usually happens) if they had a thing before you and him she will probably feel obligated to protect him rather than you . sorry :(

I am new to the site, and joined several groups when I signed up. I didn't realize I had put this in the CHEATING group until after I had wrote the story. The truth is, I have never caught him cheating the entire time we have been married. Before we marrried, actually in the very beginning of our relationship (we were living together) he did cheat. he never admitted it....but I know it happened. He doesnt deny it anymore though like before. Since we have been married I don't think he has. But, I do have trust issues. I always have. I was only cheated on the one time I just mentioned. But, my father was always a cheater. Carried on an affair for 25 yrs with another woman and now that my mother is dead he is with her. Maybe that is where the insecurities come from. I don't know. I tried to put them aside when I befriended her..thinking it was a LONG time ago. I know I was warned, but he assured me it was nothing, Maybe it wasnt nothing. Maybe just a one time thing for him. My true question is should I continue the friendship?

*sigh* I normally don't get this harsh but sometimes we as humans need to hear it like it is. If you may think you are not going to like this response. Stop reading right now.<br />
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First, the only thing killing your relationship is YOU. Your insecurities, your jealousies, your choice to become friends with one of his ex'es...that's on you. Your actions and words to own. You were warned by friends and family that it wasn't a great idea.<br />
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Second, seems like his "lying" to you (rather lying by omission really but still a lie) is a self preservation action. Perhaps your reaction in the first place or history of reaction to this sensitive button pushing topic for you of "other women" or perceived threats of other women are what make him "lie" to you about pieces of information from his past.<br />
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This leads me to believe one of two things: a. you were cheated on by a past spouse or b. you left out the fact that he may have cheated on you in the past. I suspect it to be option a. If you continue to allow yourself to sabotage and destroy your own relationship with your personal insecurities and jealousies that are not justified then you destroy any hope of relationship salvation. You and your husband won't last. I'm surprised you got this far in your relationship.<br />
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One other thing - WHY is this in "my husband cheated" forum when no where in this experience your husband cheated? Or did you leave that bit out and this is just an issue post cheating ways? Am I missing the fact that he may have and you left it out?<br />
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If you didn't post about a past cheating experience it would have been helpful if you had, disregard all of below if that's the case. No I don't blame you, just your actions. She shouldn't have lied, but perhaps she's scared of a massive reaction from you too?