My Husband Cheats On Me With A Trans-sexual

My husband and I have been married for 3 years. We have what I though was a great marriage. He's always very attentive, tells me he loves me every single day; we often talk about our future children. Even now he's very loving, he kisses me and holds my hand in public.  He's super intelligent and we have the most amazing conversations. I never thought that the love of my life could ever cheat on me.  

I found out about his little secret when he left his email open one night. I saw that he had paid to join a  website to look for casual sex with a "she-male." He had already contacted multiple people via that website and his personal email. He even started setting up dates. He started asking when I would be on call  (working overnight at the hospital). Finally one of these men agreed to meet with him. The first time they met was two weeks ago. I am completely devastated!! I keep breaking down in tears. How can he just throw us away like that just for sex?

He doesn't know I know his secret. He still loving as ever.  I love this man. I need him as much as air, but how can I go on in this situation.  I am utterly heart broken... how can 

 I don't want him to know that I saw his email. I know exactly where he meets this man and I have been considering showing up there.  I don't know what to do. how can I justify knowing this information without revealing that I actually saw his email?  

When did I become this weak person? I am so ashamed for not having the courage, to scream at him, to let him know how much he's hurting me... I so afraid of losing him too; afraid of losing my home, my "happy" life... 

I'm so lost right now............
Jeb1977 Jeb1977
31-35, F
9 Responses Nov 3, 2011

Before you let him know that you know anything, you need to decide if you want to stay or if you want to go. If you want to attempt to work through this or just leave.

If you choose to stay, you need to decide how you are going to go about confronting him and if he decides to stay now that his little secret is out what boundries you will give him. I'm not saying put a tracking device on his car or filter his web searches because if you have to go that far, he's not worth it. But he does need to know what he did was NOT ok and that you will NOT tolerate it anymore. People treat you the way that you let them treat you, and if he continuiously cheats and you forgive him you're establishing a pattern of behavior in which he is going to think you will allow him to do whatever he wants with no consequences. You need to set boundries and make him work for your trust and for your relationship. You will also need couseling options, marraige retreat options, etc...
I would also start a nest egg that only you know about so should the day come that you leave him, you are not worried about finances.

If you decide to leave him, be sure to get your affairs in order BEFORE you confront him and leave. Gather evidence of his cheating because that comes in handy in divorce proceedings especially if you have a pre-nup with an infidelity clause. Make sure you have a little nest egg put away as well.

Either way you decide to go, he needs to know that what he did was not ok and is not tolerated.

Wish you the best.

doesn't mean he doesn't love you. He's every bit of a husband and you said it yourself. He's just looking for carnal pleasure. He never meant for you to know but was totally comfortable with you knowing; he left his email open -not on purpose but because he was careless and not conscientious enough to hide that from you (if he ever intended to do that). So why fret? It's his personal life. And he's not changed over you. If it's bugging you so much, why don't you just have a chat with him? Don't be lost. Every problem has a solution. You're just jealous and need to speak out. He obviously and evidently has nothing to hide. He's the same honest guy who doesn't prefer you knowing but doesn't care if you do. good luck!

Unless they have an open marraige his personal business is hers and she has every right to be upset.

I am going through the same with my fiance. Exactly the same, They are manly man, love is perfect, and you don't expect this.Mine is to recent to give any advice, but I can tell you I am living my story, and reading others, and we all have this symptms in common. They lie to us. That's not love.

I was completely blindsided by my fiance. Perfect man. Cry's wants me back.

I miss him but no way. I am so sad.

How are you dealing now?

I have been separated from my husband for around 2 years he is an expat… in these past 2 years we may have had sex 5 times if so and all have been petty or just to try to keep the marriage… being that he is abroad most of the time i realize he hires prostitutes … i asked him for divorce because i couldn't take it anymore the distance, the drinking and the womanizing (that he has never accepted) … when we was drunk he would get close to my friends husbands and hug and kiss and i would think it was weird… when we would have sex his looks were very deprived i would say.. although he never forced me into doing anything i didn't want… and the past weekend when he left to asia… he left his computer open and i read an email in which he sets an appointment with a tranny… i was totally unfamiliar with the term and did some research as to who would hire them and what would they do.. (literally)… i am totally devastates even though i don't love him as a man anymore he is the father of my 3 kids and i feel stupid for 11 years i feel horrible… my selfsteem is below zero… what did i do wrong?? when i met him he had lived in thailand for 5 years and had a girlfriend.. now i can't get off my head if that person was a she or a he or what… i want to scream and cry but in so much shock i am just blahhh… i don't think i can ever trust anyone ever again…..

it's his fault. he jumped into a relationship with you in spite of all these sexual complexes he had. You've just been too naive and need to wake up. find your own way good luck!

There is no need to feel bad. He is the one cheating so who cares how you found out. Even if you did find his email open he is in the wrong for cheating. He could have gave you a disease.

I just found out today that my partner of eight years and father of my child met a shemale while I was at work, I'm dead inside right now and feel like dying and breaking all kinds of ****.!!!I've known of his secret online searches and websites but this!!!
a few months ago, we had a two **********. I set rules that he didn't respect re. Who the third was, but I got over that. He said he likes seeing be his ****. We hVe taken photos and posted online, ads basically anything that he wants I do. Anal, golden shower. He asked if I would want to watch him **** a woman while I watch to make me jealous, this was during sex. I said no I can't stand the idea of him with someone else. Week later here I am.
I feel sick to my stomach every time I think about him at the beach, our beach with a fucken she man. Did they kiss, hold hands did she suck his ****? Did he **** it in the ***? Why if I literally do everything he asks??? They're even chunky like me so it's not even a better body? Our kids bday is coming up and I don't know what to do, I feel like I'm going to have a heartattack. He's been distant with me, looks at me like he wants to tell me something but can't, I begged him with my eyes and mind to please tell me, but to no avail. It was just like when I caught him lying about who our third was, ....he told me the truth the same day I confronted him.
I feel that this was his first time because he looked like he was struggling but only because I asked repeated ly what is going on.
I don't know what to do......I keep seeing the texts between him and his brother who also hooks up with shemales. His brother told him that there's 1000 s on Craigslist and that He's in the **** now and good luck! My man replied he quote went to the beach with Her... Weird. End quote.
What do I do? Please help me. I'm so lost and alone right now and can't be this way for my kid.

Dear Jeb1977, <br />
<br />
I am so happy you wrote this message. I am in the same situation as you right now. Half a year ago I discovered that my man is addicted to cybersex and attracted to trans. I also found it out when he left his computer open one day. I immediately confronted him and he told me that he can not control it and that he has been watching *********** regularly since he was 14 years old (he is now 28) and it has been growing and growing ... He did a lot of chatting and web cams meetings..<br />
We are together for 6 years and he is the love of my life. A man who inspires man and who has always been a great support to me. <br />
We both started a therapy and we are working on our relationship but it is very very hard. I think that I lost a lot of my self confidence and I think he lost a lot of his. <br />
Moreover, two months ago he told me that 2 years ago he had an actual intercourse with two transsexuals... this message blew me away.<br />
I have to add here that for the firs five years of our relationship we had a long distance relationship and just a year ago we started living together. So the fairytale is gone now, but the love remains. Therefore we started up from beginning and we both want to work on ourselves and built up the trust and love.<br />
I am now very confused and thinking a lot about my future. I love him very much, but I am not sure if I will ever be able to trust him again.<br />
I am very happy that I could share it with you.<br />
<br />
Good luck to you, z.

So were you able to make it work?

I know he might have desires to have sex with "she-males" but he made a commitment to you and you ONLY. Second...she-males are ******* gross idc who you are. Third, he should have told you he was into that stuff before you guys got married. Don't let people tell you that its ok because it really isn't. I know that you love this guy a lot and trust me its a lot better if you confront this issue NOW before it really becomes an issue. Don't scream at him because it will only make things worse...simply just say listen i know you have sex with she males...why didnt you tell me. Let him explain to you and then decide if you want to stay with him or not....but seriously id get him tested for never know what those crazies do

Well I believe everyone can set their own bondaries when it comes to those type of desires. Some people don't know how much they can control their mind. I had those desire too of a girl. And I stopped myself. I know is defficult to be in your position. But you can live without him. As well as he can live without that other guy he meet. If he really love you he will try as heard as he can to stop meeting that guy. I would advise you to be honest with him, open up with him tell him how much that affects you and tell him e is going to have to choose; you or that men. And tell him that he can count on you to help him through everything. If he choose the man Trust me you will be ok. Soon or later you will. Something i love about me is that when I will break u with a guy I dont think about how I sad I will be or how much I will need him. Try the same it will help you through the situation better.<br />
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God bless you, he will give you strenght and let me know what you think: if you will try it or not.