There Is No Positive I Can Grasp Hold Off

I feel in my heart I need a divorce but having spent more that half my life with my husband have searched my heart to try and see if I can save our marriage. The thoughts that keeps going through my head is that he has left me nothing to cling to. No redeeming acts that I think I could cling too.

  • He has never said no to any temptation. the first time anyone was open to cheating with him he went for it,

  • She didn't chase him, he chased her all she did was respond.

  • Laughing and joking was enough to make him want her,

  • He didn't just want a physical realationship with her. he found her interesting and funny and according to him so does everyone else

  • He thought she got him. Understood him and shared his interested. She speaks in a crass and horrible way and is the exact opposite type of person to me. She is not kind, or good. She is outgoing while I am shy. She is loud and bubbly while I am more reserved. She is the life and soul of the party while I am just the silly wife at home.

  • It was premeditated.  Before he left the house the night he cheated he lied about where he was going and with who.  He knew he needed to lie cos there was a chance something would happen.

  • It wasn't an accident - he deliberately parked up his car  in the middle of nowhere to be alone with her.

  • He didn't stop during or after this. 

  • I ended his affair not him.  In the conversations after his cheating he did not express any hint of remorse or feeling that what they were doing was wrong.  Only when I had found out did things end. 

  • He did not confess even when I confronted him.  Instead he manipulated and lied until the proof was in front of his face and he had no other option.

  • He has no real explanation for any of his behavior.

My husband is now very very sorry or so he says.  He claims he is now a changed man.  That he acted in a horrible and selfish way and he wants to make it up to me.  He feels he is capable of a complete personality and morality overhaul and he will be a better man.   But I have no faith, nothing to grasp onto.  I'm falling deeper and deeper and no matter how much I have talked or looked at the evidence there is nothing that can even redeem him slightly.  It can't kid myself that it wasn't a big deal or that it hasn't changed my life for ever. 

I wish he had at least left me with some tiny little positive that I could say "well at least he did this" or "at least he didn't do that"
WoundedLioness WoundedLioness
5 Responses Jan 14, 2012

Oh how I can relate to your pain. I'm praying for the both of us...

Your husbad loves you more than anything. That is something he feels for real. Its more than a thought or emotion. It just is.

Thank you Miamme and MorningBreeze. I know I need to find strength and peace from somewhere. I did love my husband completely but whether I can love him now I honestly don't know. Can't honestly say that he loves me. I think for my husband an emotion is a thought rather than someting he feels...if that makes any sense.

i wish you well also. if there is love still there... mutual love... then try, forgive and work it out IF that is what you want. cause if you don't... and you aren't true to yourself and feelings... you will get lost! Think, what YOU want, do as you need to. <br />
Blessings to you... and strength!

I can feel the sorrow in your story....I am so sorry you are suffering this way...I hope you feel some peace today....I wish you well.....