Hurting So Much - When Does It Get Any Better?

It has been a little over a year since I found out my husband of 18 years was having an affair & had been for months while still living with our son & myself. I have been through a lot, but this is the worst. I have been a stay at home mom for years; something we both agreed I should do. I had the steady job for years before this while he pursued a disc jockey career. I fought his ex to have more time with his kids & I raised them. I supported him & his family & he now has the best relationship with his father he had. And now I am a 49 year woman that has to start completely over & try to pick up all the pieces of my son's & my life while this meglomaniac cheap bastard gets to do what he wants when he wants while earning the most money he has ever made thanks to me putting him through school. My son & I are below poverty level & I'm trying to get a job where I won't be laid off or paid so little that it doesn't even pay for gas. I can't afford to go back to school, I get no help from my husband & my family has worse things to deal with.

This is a particularily bad day - sorry if I am rambling. I just really hurt so much & I don't want to burden my family. My son suffers from an eating disorder & high anxiety since his father literally walked out on us. My brother was killed in a car accident back in July. I feel like I am barely treading water most days & on others I just don't want to wake up. My husband had been having an affair for months & I had no idea. He had told me back in December that he would have to be out of town some time in March for work so I know his affair started way before that. When March came he even have me an itinerary for where he would be & walked out & that was it. He walked away from 18 years & his 13 year old son. We had been having problems, but it wasn't something that we hadn't already been through before, but we always managed to work through everything & come out stronger & more loving. To say I was shocked & devastated is an understatement when he said he was leaving me. What made it worse was that his family & some of our friends knew what he was doing & did nothing. They let it happen because of the lies he told about me. I am no saint, but there is nothing that I have done in our marriage to be treated like this by him or them.

The worst part of this is seeing my son suffer. He was always a strong, big kid & now he is just so skinny & scared. He has been going to a therapist for months & his eating is under control, but his anxiety is still very, very high. The smallest things can set him off or frustrate him. I can't imagine what he is going through - I really try. I do everything I can to help him by talking or whatever he needs, but some days like today are just crushing because I am struggling with so much myself. I try not to say anything bad about his dad; I try to keep things on a normal routine/schedule; I stop whatever I'm doing to help him or talk with him & I protect him from most of the garbage his dad pulls. His dad doesn't care about him & only wants to be the "good guy" like he was with his other 2 kids. He only sees him 1 day a week every other weekend. They talk every day on the phone. My son doesn't really want to be around him because he sees what he has done to us. Right now there are no weekend visits because my husband has been living with his ***** since he left us. I found out he had already leased an apartment before he walked out for them & furnished it with all new things with the 4 new credit cards he opened. My son's therapist feels it would be bad for my son to be around this "woman" since she destroyed our family & I agree. My son doesn't ever want to even meet her - which is fine with me too, but I know he will have to at some point. The visitation in our agreement has been horribly difficult since I do not have the funds to hire an attorney & I have had to represent myself. I did try to get help from legal aid, but I don't qualify because my husband takes care of some of the bills. My son does not know his father was going to force him to meet his ***** which is why things have been so difficult with trying to get this settled. We have come close to trial a few times which is nerve racking to the point that I was loosing my hair from the stress. My husband is still trying to force the issue of our son meeting this woman. I just wish it would stop.

I am so tired of everything. I try so hard to make each day good & then they just go to hell for the simplest reasons. I feel so much guilt over not being able to handle everything especially when I breakdown in front of my son like this afternoon. I really try so freaking hard & some days I just can't take anymore. I am alone. I don't want to burden my family because they are going through so much grief with the loss of my brother (as I am), how can I dump on them? I can't even feel the joy of my nieces being pregnant because I am so damn sad & I don't want to bring them down. I am down in Florida away from my family & friends who I need so badly. I miss my brother so much I can't even describe it. He was everything to me & always has been. He was my protector from the time I was a little girl & now he is gone from my life just like our parents. It is only my sister & I now. God bless her & her husband for all they have done in helping my son & I. Without them I don't know where we would be. So much has happened to my son & I that it feels like some kind of cruel joke; even 1 of our dogs passed away recently. I pray to God every day that it just gets a little easier each day & I know there are people out there that have it worse than we do, I just wish things could be a little better. I will keep trying to make it better for my son. I know I have to be strong for him & myself. But some days I just want to hide.