Had Enough

I have been married for 12 going on 13 years now. About 4 years ago I caught my husband having an affair with another mom at the elementary school my children attended at the time. She was another PTA member that I had met along the way-she probably joined just to check out men. When I busted my husband at the time- he came crawling back begging for another chance and wanted to go to counseling and work it out. I decided to give him a chance and we went to counseling. Since then, have moved to another state closer to my family. A year after we moved, I found emails and constant texting on my husbands cell phone from a woman who worked for him at his previous job before we moved. When I confronted him about it, he said he was just helping her with her resume, then he said he was trying to help her find a job, then he started saying he thought he could be a mentor to her but she took it the wrong way. Really? a mentor yet here she is writing I love you, miss you, are you alone? At the time he once again apologized and said he only email and talked to her and that she was a friend. At the time we had just moved and I was starting a new job and was not able to deal with being a single parent so eventually, it seemed things slowly repaired itself.

The next year I busted him emailing women on the Ashley Madison site and trying to setup dates. On those exchanges he would write how he is in an unhappy marriage and us waiting around for 8 more years but in the meantime it s lonely. When i confronted him about this and told him that if he is that unhappy thn don't wit jut leave. he apologized again and said that all that was simply words to get women to respond and that he had not made any friends because I was so controlling and paranoid that I wouldn't let him take up any hobbies or have any friends. That it was me driving him to want to cheat. To be honest, I admit I did react this way but who put that sense of mistrust there to begin with? Because of this I decided to give him another chance.

Last march, I busted him for contacting the sme woman that used to work for him. He started by saying that she was a friend and someone to talk to, that there was nothing there as she has moved on. Then he accused me of being paranoid and controlling and that is what is driving him to cheat again. Then he tried to explain how she is married and keeps talking about her husband and thm trying to have kids. Apparently she got married a month after I busted him the first time around. I know he was trying to use this info to lessen the fact that he probably woud've tried to start something up ith her if she was willing. I had wanted him to leave then, but for the sake of the kids and not to disrupt their schooling-as it was a testing year, he stayed and slept downstairs and I upstairs. As time passed, it seemed things got better and I thought it meant we could indeed work this out. My mom was a single mother and I didn't want to continue this cycle-which is why I have hoped and tried again and again to work things out. My mother was also a single parent because of a cheater and she ended her life when she couldn't understand why. Because of this, I have always believed, if you don't want to be with me-don't sneak around behind my back, just leave. I had already made this known to my husband.

Yet a couple of weeks ago, I found email exchanges between my husband and an ex-girlfriend of his from before we got married. I guess our marriage is his pickup line-th whole I am in an unhappy marriage and am staying for he kids sh**. I am so sick nd tired of this mental and emotional abuse. Unfortunately, I am not able to support the kids and myself therefore I cannot confront him just yet or I would b he one to suffer the pain of being cheated on plus not being able to support my kids and myself. Plus if I ask him to leave now- he would just accuse me of being paranoid/ find some other excuse to make me the person at fault. But each time he touches/hug me or asks me who do I love, it feels like a slap in the face.

Every day I hope, wish, and pray to have the strength and courage to live with this b****** for two more years until I can finally leave him.
Enough55 Enough55
31-35, F
7 Responses Dec 2, 2012

I'm so sorry to hear about all that you are going through. You are a good woman for giving him chance after chance, but it sounds like he has not made a sincere effort to change. He continues and yes, it's an addiction, it's sin that has gotten a hold of him. But he needs to want to change. Keep praying and hang in there. Surround yourself with people who can support you. Praying for peace for you.

Thanks for the support.

What you are "hearing" is his denial.

Until an addict hits rock bottom he/she will not be honest,

Family members become collateral damage of an addict.

For more help here are three resources for you should you be willing

1. Patrick Carnes 1988 book "Out of the Shadows"

2. Web site www.recovernation.com

3. Either Al Anon (12 step program for family members of addicts ) or S-Anon ( which is based on Al Anon).

Be well.

Your h has an obsessive compulsive disorder. Aka sexual addiction.

He probably needs a 12 step program like SA, SLAA or SAA to treat this.

mm... if only, he doesn't even want to go to marriage counseling. He had said let's go back for marriage counseling last year then after a couple of months he says to me you want to talk about this but I don't. he is one that doesn't admit fault for him to admit he has something would be like he is admitting he is at fault. Perhaps, when he really is alone is when he will realize it.

Whoa didn't see this post til now..,,I didn't even know there are actual programs out there for this. Thanks

Thank you.

You're in a tough and all too typical situation girl. So why do men and women do this? All because of three simple letters....S I N....and each of us has the ability to either give into our fleshly desires or control them and do as God says. All you can do is pray for him and perhaps give him some tough love. Take it to God girl. At that point the battle is God's and not yours. I hope things improve soon for you my dear. God Bless you girl :)

To Ham2roc
I sincerely hope ou mean it when you say you want to work things out with your wife. The biggest question you will need to answer and figure out is why did you do it. If it was just temptation and you cn't sty away from it then perhaps you should man up and stop hurting your wife. But if it is something that involves your wife then you should probably talk to her about it at a counseling session that way there is a neutral mediator with trained insights to suggest ways of creating better communication between you and your wife. For me the first time we went to counseling we did end up better but with time it just seemed he coudn't help himself. And now, I am tired of being blamed for his problems. Also tired of wondering if he spent all his time conversing with some other while in a good mood/show a good image of himself to some slutty stranger then come home to be agitated at me and the kids.

Hi enough55, I am reading stories like this because I am a cheating husband that has decided to put that life behind me and i want my marriage and family back and also see how truly i hurt my wife. As I read these stories, I am really upset with these men and interesting enough even mad at myself cause I'm actually reading what I have done. It's hard to say your husband will never chat again all I can do is hope he doesn't. It's very unfortunate, but men view cheating very different from women. So unfair because we are heartless when it comes to it. Some of us like myself do not ever intend to hurt our wives when we cheat, because we are going after sex and not a relationship. Why is that husbands get into these on going relationships with these "side chicks" ? Well for one men feel something is missing from home.....so if someone out there is willing to give it to us, then we go get it and keep getting it till we get busted or we don't want it anymore because have scratched that itch.......either way its wrong!!!!!!! My question is how do I get my wife back to where our lives were happy and flaunted our love for each other after I have cheated repeatedly (not relationships, but just sex, NSA)?

I would suggest that you do some research on sexual addictions. The behavior you described sounds a lot like my husband's. Also, set up a better security system. Wherever you go to scratch the itch should be off limits...be accountable to your wife- she may be paranoid and even controlling like enough55 said, but it wasn't her choice. Open up to her...she should always know where you are, she should have access to passwords, email, phone etc if that is her preference. If there are changes in your schedule, she should be the first to know. If you feel that itch returning...she should know- it may hurt and she may not want to do anything about it, but your goal is to rebuild the trust in your relationship and be there for her. The thing that I needed the most from my husband was his friendship...you have read about the pain that she is in, now you need to be her support system. Don't try to get your lives back...start over and build a new foundation, the old one did not work for you two-I keep that in mind about my relationship with my hubby and so far we have been sober for almost 2months.