Never Ending

Its seriously never ending the back and forth pull i feel. even know im begining to question my feelings for him. before this happened we were doing so good we were happy and i feel like my whole world is shattered. I love him.... i think. its weird since i dont hardly feel emotions right now. I dont want to lose myself in all of this but im beginning to feel like i dont want to go back and "try"! i was so sure i did but all i do is go back and forth over and over again. Man i wish this hadnt happened so that i could be secure and happy again. so that when i go to the house after 3 months i would be able to greet my husband with a hug and kiss and many kisses. but he kissed "her" so i dont even feel comfortable doing that. Now what do i look forward too..... a wave hi while he gets my bags followed by a 2 hour ride to a house (since i dont consider it home anymore) that i feel like a guest in since he desecrated it with that girl. Then after a long flight and even longer day i get to sleep in a twin size guest bed in the guest room. after having a restless night, which i am sure i will have, i will wake up to him gone to school all day and have nothing but time to think and get mad. When he returns home how awkward will it be? will i even be comfortable having him hug me? will i want to stay after i get there? I said i would try and i meant it, but will i still mean it when i get there? after 3 months of not seeing my husband i should be sooo excited and more than ready for kissing and touching and intimacy. I should be ready to reunite even looking forward to the date with so much excitement i cant stop smiling. Instead im nervous, not in a good way, and worried and dreading it. i know i do miss him in some part of me and i know i do want to see him in some area. but accessing emotions is hard right now. I wonder when i will truly feel again.
heavenslilangl14 heavenslilangl14
26-30, F
Dec 8, 2012