A Phone Call I Will Never Regret...

My story is long, and winding, but I want to share a part of it that I hope will encourage others.

My husband and I have been together for 13 years, and he has been struggling with a sex addiction throughout our relationship. He is working very hard, and is in recovery, but recently the stars aligned, and the stressors of life overwhelmed him. He did not look at ****, he did not chat with women online, but he reached out to my brother's ex-girlfriend and pursued her (she does not live in our area so it was all over the phone). Monday night I happened to be looking at the phone record and noticed a number from my parent's area code on his log with LOTS and LOTS and LOTS of incoming and outgoing calls. I didn't accuse immediately because my husband has never initiated or sustained an on-going relationship with another woman, but I did ask him who it was.

He was defensive initially, but after about 15 minutes he came out with the truth, which crushed me. There are many other pieces to the story, like the fact that this woman broke up with my brother because he cheated on her, talk about irony, but this is the part I would like to share. I spoke to her, the woman who my husband has been having an emotional affair with. The woman who told me that she was in love with my brother, and was hoping to marry him. The woman who is in family photos of ours, and the woman who broke up with my brother because he cheated on her.

While I did not feel this in my heart, I know that cognitively she deserved to hear from the horse's mouth (my husband) that it was over, and I needed to tell her how I felt for me. We prepared ourselves and called her.... ring.... ring.... ring. She answered, and my husband said, "hi ____, are you asleep?" -- my heart sank at the comfort and familiarity with which he said that line. He told her that he was sorry for putting her in this position, and apologized a few more times. Then, I got on the phone, yes, after watching my husband break-up with his girlfriend, I got on the phone, this was the plan afterall.

I said, "I don't have any questions for you, but I just need to tell you that I'm very hurt, and disappointed in yours and my husband's immoral actions. I'm surprised and shocked that after being in my position and knowing how much pain you experienced, that you did this. I cannot forgive you now, but I'm praying that God will soften my heart so that I will be able to forgive you one day. I pray that you will seek forgiveness for your actions as well." She said, "Marisol (my pseudonym), I'm sorry." I said, "I cannot accept that right now, but I appreciate you saying it.

SO, I don't know what the outcome of my marriage will be yet, we are still sorting through everything, but I am SO glad that I did say what I said. It is not all her fault, but she did something very shameful, and she should hear from the person that she hurt. I was nervous to call, but it was so liberating. Now I don't have to think and wonder about her, etc. etc., but focus on myself.

Hope this is helpful for someone, it was helpful for me to share if nothing else.
Marisol88 Marisol88
7 Responses Dec 12, 2012

My name is Elizabeth i have been through the worse relationships you can ever think of, i have been cheated on lied to betrayed and divorced twice. If you don't know me you would think i have a problem and in fact i do but my problem was not finding love it was finding the right one to love, i continued searching both online and socially and every time i turn up with the same losers not until i met a prophet. Yes a prophet who guided me to the right one and now am happily married again for 2 years and we have a family i and my husband thanks to this prophet if you also want to be happy like me please don't waste your time on trying to find a relationship that will work let the prophet help you... 682 233 1613 call him today and see what happens

Wow I went through da same thing like almost a year ago my husband were going with my cousin girlfriend and plus she is his uncle step daughter which to me like kin, but anyway she were a ***** about it all she called my so many hurtful names which I believe I should have done to her but anyway me ad husband are still together but I seem like I can't trust him still, but I do love him very much so I am trying to put it behide me, this brought tears to my eyes to read your story

I really admire you.

Best of luck. I am working on me and then I will worry about the rest.

Exactly Heather! He traded one for the other, but for some reason this seems so much more painful. I am patient, but at times I am apathetic and it comes across as being gracious, forgiving, and patient.

I have connected with the wife of my husband's support group leader, and she shared something very helpful with me. Forgiveness is "me surrendering my right to hurt you back." I like that it does not imply that I'm okay or that it doesn't hurt, or that everything will be fine, and that the definition does acknowledge that I do have a "right" to hurt you back, but I choose not to. I am working on forgiveness, and accepting the fact that forgiveness does not equate to the relationship continuing.

Guess he replaced the online chatting with strangers to someone he knew, your brother's girlfriend. I admire your patience in putting up with someone who reaches out to other women for his emotional needs. I don't know sometimes why us wives put up with some of the dirty stuff men pull on us. Too bad we can't just kick their butts! lol I hope things get better if not try not to put up with it for much longer, it will destroy your trust in men all together.

good luck through it all.. Hope it ends well..