Wow Wow Wow

sept 9 i went to put a reminder in my husband's phone and found texts from another woman that they had sent back and forth throughout the night. while i slept right there. nothing too committing...just smiley faces back and forth...obviously thinking of each other through the night. cutesy .. flirting. he woke to me looking at his phone and almost had a coronary. the contact name was saved as a company like he would be doing business with for work. clever...calculated. said he met this woman at a gas station. she flirted and gave him her number. he texted and met up with her the next day. nothing ever happened and only texted for another month before i found these texts...i was crushed!!! so sad. couldnt fathom this happening to us. we were fine. always sooo into each other. 18 years together. i texted the OW and she confirmed his story. many things didnt set with me, and i never believed that was the whole story. he is a terrible liar, and people don't text throughout the night that don't have a connection. i was hung up on these facts for a very long time. we even started marriage counselling. early december more of the story came out. but still not all. he admitted to meeting her a month and a half before he had told me. only because i found some info on his computer. and did say he texted with her for a few days longer than he had admitted.
then i found out i could get a copy of his texts. he did NOT like that but said to get them. i agreed i wasn't ready to get them, and for some reason wanted to believe him because he knew i would get them. felt he told me everything. but the spy in me took over a few days later. he thought he would have to sign a form that the phone company told me he would, but i found a way around it.
to my shocking heartbroken surprise....there was very very dirty disgusting things in these texts. and not just with this person i had known about. more and more lies and finally over the next day or so he admitted to email addresses and profiles created, online ****, online chatting, and meeting random women!!!!! some he did nothing with, some he had sex with or oral sex performed on him...in parks, in their homes. 3 mainly. and they didn't know about each other. i would call them relationships. he says not. there is no explanation that is working for me. he blames his unhappy sex life with me, but that is a very sore subject because i suffer from endometriosis and have pain with anything sexual. many times i will suffer through it because i do enjoy it too, but it is very hard to "mind over matter" the pain. especially since he is obviously very selfish about it. and he says that his fantasy life took over. he was consumed. there were 173 active people on his chat from one of the sites.
holy cow! my world has been uprooted! i am stepmom to his kids. one lives with us. she will be devastated. if i can keep her from finding out, i will have done what my goal in life has been the last 18 years...protecting these kids!!
i don't know wht to do. we are in counselling...Right now, i must go one day at a time but it is so full of roller coasters i am a mess. no sleep, no food. rage. sadness. so hard.
he wants to work through it and get help for his sexual addiction. i believe some of it was, but i believe there were relationships with women.
i made him get tested and he is clean from diseases, but i still throw up at the thought of what he has done with these women. i have stopped reading hte texts i have because i don't think i need to put myself through any more of it. the worst of it is out there. but i would like to read the rest to see how much he is still lying about.
i will decide in time. i don't know what to do. reconcile, or run!!
shuddaknownbetter shuddaknownbetter
41-45, F
Dec 13, 2012