It Always Starts Somewhere

So here it brokenness put into words.

How do I start? Where do I start? With the 17 year old girl who saw an 18 year old boy with what she thought were beautiful, sad, soulful eyes? I'll nutshell our beginning.

I saw him, and I saw a guy who was quiet, shy, and whose eyes I thought held *something*. So I befriended him. And then I loved him. My family was against the "union". I ran away with him because I felt I just had to be with him. I thought my heart would break if we said goodbye. So I loved him even more. So much so, that my family took him in when I went back home. (I know...such a terrible brat!) I poured myself into him and he became a man...or so I believed. I got pregnant a couple years later and we got married. But it was because we were in love. Now I just don't know.

Nearly ten years later from the day we got together, and I am devastated, angry, heart-shattered, and yet empty altogether.
We ended things in anger five days ago, on New Year's Eve 2012. But after self-reflection I saw that I was a bitter shell of that 17 year old girl. So I thought, It was me who broke us and I want to fix things. So we texted, emailed and spoke on the phone. All of which I initiated because I thought I needed to take the first step to bridge the gap. I emailed him around 3AM on New Year's Day, pouring my soul out and leaving my heart on his virtual doorstep. We talked and talked and laid what I thought was everything out in the open. And Friday night he came home. We hugged and he told me to kiss him. I did. With my eyes shut too tightly, I suppose.

Last night, I wound up with my husbands phone. Unlocked. He was asleep and it hasn't timed out to shut off. So there I was. An unlocked phone in my hands. My fingers moved to shut it off. But a small, minuscule voice said "check his text messages". So I did. If ignorance is bliss, then knowledge is absolute hell.
I found texts between him and a woman who is also married. "I love you", "I wish you were the one laying next to me", "I wish I was with you right now", naughty pictures...I saw it all. And then I couldn't breathe. Seven hours later and I still feel like I haven't taken a breath.
So I got into my car and drove. Up to that point I had never been hysterical a day in my life. Babbling to myself in a state of idiotic shock...and I started giggling. Then came the crazed laughter. I even told myself, aloud and while cackling, that once the laughter passed it would be nothing but....*cue waterworks*. Yep. Just like that the tears came. The body shaking sobbing. The hiccuping and every other word coming out super loud because of the crazy breathing.
He had texted her during our Christmas. (Did I mention that he sent her a link to the YouTube video "Christmas Without You" by Dolly Parton and Kenny Rogers?.?.? Yeah. He did. Did I listen to it and wreck myself *that* much more? Yeah. I did.) He texted her Happy New Years while he was supposedly devastated. Then I saw the instant messages. And found out that This has been going on since June of 2012.

Oh foolish, foolish, FOOLISH fool that is me.

We talked. Around midnight. And he's so sorry. And so, so very sorry. And says he was selfish. And that he's so sorry. And says "I'll change". And that he's so sorry. And he says it was a mistake. And that I changed his life all those years ago.....little did I much he would end up changing mine.
jolena808 jolena808
26-30, F
3 Responses Jan 6, 2013

Mine cried and said all that too...and even while I was trying to forgive him after he divulged he had a secret apartment in the same city we lived in(still creeps me out) He was getting on a ton of dating sites and STILL posting and responding to ads!!! How can you trust someone like that??? 16 years and that is what a Wife deserves? He told me he was going down to check his email in concierge and I found the renewal to MATCH . com! The best was what he sought, "A Christian Woman,with kids" and going thru the divorce as he was a DECLARED GOD HATER/ATHEIST and never wanted kids ....even tho he had them...(he wouldn't pay for them) I asked him, "All I want to know is WHY you posted for a Christian Woman with kids????" He said cold as ice(the mask was removed by then) "Christian Women are STUPID and Easy targets, they are so sheltered and gullible. " He added,"Many guys on professional Race Teams(as he was) travel and when we are on the road we go to Churches as those women are desparate and a sure thing" He added with a laugh and sideways grin...This person before me was a stranger, a creepy stranger. I remember meeting him, I was 18 or 19 and our romance started much like yours...I didn't know what the future held but I loved him dearly and even took him from being a homeless band guy as I believed in his lies. He would tell me the most beautiful things and I soo believed in him....I see now how my naivity led me to believe his lies. He saw Me coming...he was almost 10yrs older....he picked his target, unfortunately it was Me...16 years later one of the nastiest divorces ever...and he is STILL on dating sites like Match even though he remarried. My heart goes out to you. Run a credit check on your man once a year, if you do you will find how faithful he is and if he is hiding money or kids etc etc....wish I had!

He said it was a mistake? That is the under statement of the year! The word mistake and accident completely down plays exactly what he did. Your life, your gut instincts, and checking his texts messages...sounds like my life. I found out on Friday 1/11/13 by checking his text and email. Oh yes we are through! He had to work pretty hard to ruin his life. The sneaking, the lies, making excuses. Who am I to stand in his way, get out of his way and don't look back. You are meaningless to him, you know how I know? Because unless he has suffered some sort of previous brain injury, he knew it was wrong, and disregarded what this could to to you and your marriage. Be the better person, move on. Otherwise you will be telling him and the world that you condone his betrayal. Please, stay angry cause it could be your only friend in all of this.

Run , as far as you can, you are better that this crap.You are young. Take this as a lesson and move on . Good luck .