Marriage Changes Everything

My husband and I were high school sweethearts. We were together for 11 years before we got married on January 9, 2012. Throughout this time I supported us financially because he never could seem to hold down a job. He wasn't trustworthy with money, but I always told myself that he was a good man and that it was worth it to stay. For the last two years we had to live with my parents because he only had a part time job and I didn't make enough money to support the both of us. It was a hard time and it strained my parents both emotionally and financially. He refused to help around the house even though we didn't pay for rent or food or anything. It broke my heart, yet again, I said that I loved him and that things would get better. Six months after we got married I couldn't deal with him fighting with my parents anymore. They had done everything for us and he couldn't respect them or thank them for all of their own sacrifices. I found a job in Texas and the company moved us. I thought that it would be a better beginning for us. He went through two jobs before becoming a manager at a craft store. That's when things turned sour. He always wanted to go out with friends and it was always employees only, spouses couldn't go. He'd come home late and get angry that I was upset. He became a different person. One day he went to his mom's and called me, telling me he didn't love me anymore. I thought that I was going to die. I begged him to work on it to see what we could do. We went to counseling, I bought him a new car, and then I came home one day to an open Facebook message between him and his boss talking about how much they loved one another and how they couldn't wait to have an amazing life together. I will probably never forget the moment I read that. I thought I was having a heart attack. I couldn't breathe and my chest hurt so badly that I had to sit down to try and keep from passing out. I didn't know what to do or who to turn to because he has isolated me from my loved ones over the years. I called my mom crying, hell I called his mom crying. I called him at work and told him that I wanted his keys and hung up. He kept trying to call back, but I wouldn't answer. I went to his work to get his keys because I didn't want him to come back, but he refused. He followed me out into the parking lot and told me he wanted me out of his life. I called the cops when he got off of work to stand by while he packed. He kept saying that it was made up that he did it to see how much I loved him and if I truly wanted to work on our relationship, but I had never felt that kind of betrayal before. My soul felt shattered.

He left and went to her house. Another sign that I should have seen it was more than he was letting on. We met the next day and he was all apologetic, threatened to kill himself, but I couldn't take him back. He went to his mom's for a week and decided to surprise me and come back and try to make it better. On the way back he got into a car accident with a drunk driver, totaled his car. I went to the hospital and sat with him, sobbing about how life had changed. Said that we could work on it. We went through marriage counseling, but I found her number on the cell phone bill a few more times. I told her if he contacted her again it was over. Three months later here we are. I couldn't trust him, hell he didn't give me much reason to. His mom had become friends with the girl and had even sent her a Christmas present. I found this out on Christmas day and he blamed me. He said that it was none of my business and he didn't see anything wrong with it. Yet again I figured we could work through it.

Last week was the final straw though. I recently got him a job with one of my friends and he kept telling me he wanted to go out with coworkers so I finally gave in. He said he'd be home at a certain time and came home an hour later. I was upset and tried to talk about it when he got home, but he flipped out on me. Started screaming and cursing me out saying that I couldn't amount to anything and that I couldn't survive in the real world. He took my car and refused to let me get my jacket out of it despite the fact that it was snowing. Betrayal again. I spent the night sobbing on the phone to my mom. I still don't understand how someone you can love can be so cruel.

We talked after in the hopes of at least filing an uncontested divorce to avoid additional court and lawyer fees. I was worried because he said that he was sleeping in his car. I offered him the couch and then I found out he was staying with her. When I confronted him he said that I pushed him to love her and that I pushed him away as a husband. It hurts me to think that he's with her and it pains me everyday to confront what he did to us. I am not perfect by any means, but I would have done anything to make the marriage work. He thinks that we can still be friends, but the thought of him churns my stomach. I am only sad that there is a 60 day waiting period for the divorce because I don't want to talk to or think about him anymore. I just want him out of my life. I think the thing that hurts me most is that everyone tells me, "well at least you don't have kids". Which is like a knife in my back everytime. The week before he cheated he kept saying that he wanted to start a family with me and that we would work on having children. These are the things I don't tell my family because they make me feel worthless. I try to call when I'm composed so they don't know that I spend most of the day crying. I try to tell them that I'm taking care of myself and sleeping/eating when I need to. But I just feel sick. I feel like there is just a knife stuck in my heart and he keeps twisting it and I wonder when the pain will stop. I am filing divorce on Monday, Wednesday is our one year anniversary and he'll be spending it with her. I just don't know how to get through the pain.
sosfreedom sosfreedom
26-30, F
2 Responses Jan 6, 2013

You cant buy his love and shouldn't have to. Walk away at any cost. It will be his loss. Although i doubt he will ever be smart enough to see this.
Run as far as you can and don't look back ....he's an arse****.

you are also wise!!!

I'm sorry for you too. Usually i see all these posts are five years old, but it sounds like you're suffering right along with me right now...

I've been trying to console myself with other peoples' stories similar to mine, reading the advice given to them bc I'm too embarrassed to give details about myself.
I'm 31, and a bit of an old fashioned white guy, from Vermont originally...
Anyway i so completely feel your pain. I'm beyond sorry that this type of treatment happens to anyone.
I'm a good looking guy n have been with a good number of girls throughout my life.
I never felt serious about any of them, it's just nobody matched me fully enough, i guess...
Until, of course, the last one. I look young, so i date young too... My ex is 19 and has a 1yr old and worthless baby daddy.
We hit it off like i didn't think was possible, told each other we wanted to be together forever, grow old, sappy stuff like that that's so sweet to say and hear with your head on a pillow and your eyes locked with hers...
She didn't mean any of it. She either immediately ran away and cheated or lied to me about doing it, but even said the name, age, and duration of relationship with this dude that does or doesn't exist.
I got beyond upset, and i so rarely lose my temper that when i do it's pretty explosive - mostly just self defeating stuff like doing drugs again (which i just got a handle back on, kudos to me...)
Anyway i don't know what to do. My friends and family say i need to move on - thanks for that gem! It's super helpful, lol!
She came over a few days ago n we hung out and she was so sweet it stole my heart again... We fooled around a little, enough to tell me the chemistry is never going to diminish, and then she left.
I knew it would happen and i tried so hard not to, but i decided to invite her to do something and text her with the offer... She ignored the three texts i sent, and I'm left in the same place i was two months ago, six months ago, a year ago - take your pick.
I'd do anything for her and she can't even be bothered to return a text...
So the part that blows me away is that I've never ever given half a care with any girl before, why am i so vastly different with her? I'm usually the king of "if they don't care, i don't care" but with her i can't stop.

Anyway I'm completely in love, in a one way relationship with a girl that enjoys using me and seeing me twist in the wind.
Maybe it's the karmic backlash from all the girls that cared about me while i felt and acted like my newest ex treats me.

Who knows what to do, i know it's awful lonely loving someone that doesn't love you back.
Best of luck to all of us on the losing end.

Honestly my husband was my only love and I gave everything to him that I could. It's a hard situation and he still wants to be friends, but I realize that I have been in an unhealthy relationship with him for the 11 years. I know that for me to be a healthy individual that I need to rid my life of him COMPLETELY! I think that for people like us that is hardest, but it has to be done. Good luck on your healing journey. You deserve more than unrequited love.

I wish I could be as wicked as your husband....he really fooled you again and again...free sex, service, car and have affair and blame on you....Tell me sosfreedom when are you going to stop being santaclause....and you keep feeding his lust....you need to check your ownself and know yourself so that you become a wiser lady.Make sure you keep your word...he ...out completely I am a Christian...I usually advise trying counselling and working out...but in your case I see easy emotional blackmail....in short...you are too good!

Don't feel bad...as i say you are too good...Just grow up and be tougher....Love must be tough...God will hear your cry...He has 2 ears.