Husband Says His Cheating Is My Fault?

Hi! I am a 26 year old girl married to a 29 year old man, with a 10 month old son. I have been with my Husband for 3.5 years, only married for one (although we didn't plan to be married until this coming September... insert baby surprise here!). I wanted to share my story with you, because my husband is constantly telling me that I have no right to be upset/suspicious. I am going to make this as short as possible, so here is my story.

I caught my husband seeing a girl behind my back a few months after moving in together. I asked him to stop, he said he did. She then e-mailed me and told me he cheated. He flew off the handle, saying if I believed her that he was going to dump me. I told him I didn't believe him, but that I would stay with him anyways, and we needed to try to move on from this trauma. I then caught him starting his bad mouth the girlfriend and get sympathy from some pathetic, lonely ***** routine with another female. I flipped because of everything we had already been through with the first *****. He said he didn't do anything (again) and changed his phone number (that was, in his mind, somehow supposed to prove that he only wanted me). From that point forward (the next two years), I thought everything was great with us. We ended up buying a house, getting engaged, and planning a future together. Then, about three months ago, I found out he was talking to ***** #1 the ENTIRE time, and using his work phone to do so. He also screwed the ***** on MY couch in OUR home we bought together, within two weeks of having bought the home - and he gave me HPV because he didn't use protection.

When I finally found out, we had already gotten married and our son was 7 months old. He keeps telling me to get over it, gets raging mad at me (screams so loud the baby cowers into my shoulder and hides) when I break down about it or even if I mention it, and otherwise treats me pretty horrible. Am I the happiest person in the world right now? No. I am sure I am difficult to live with because I am so depressed, angry, and hurt over what happened; but if he hadn't spent the first year and a half of our relationship destroying the trust, I wouldn't be those things. I still do my best to be happy though, but whenever I can't keep the facade, he flips out on me - so bad that one night he was arrested. He says all of our problems are because of me, because I can't get over it and just trust him. He tells me that it was my fault he cheated. I don't know what I did wrong. I waited on him hand and foot, gave him the best sex of his life (he admits to that, along with my other 5 ex's - I am not tooting my own horn and am shy talking about myself in bed.. but I figure you people will never know who I am), was always there for anything he needed, and dumped all of my "acquaintances" for him so I could spend 99% of my time with him. He said that because I was independent, he cheated - my fault. I didn't know being independent gets you cheated on. Am I supposed to hang on his every word and action? Plan my life around the possibility that he may want me to do something? Back then, before I had a son (which is when he did all the cheating, according to him), I had friends and family that I saw every so often, and he always had an open invitation to join me. How does that amount to deserving to be cheated on? The only thing I have asked of him over the last three months is to enroll in personal counseling to resolve his anger and lying issues, and to take the Wellbutrin prescribed to him on a regular basis (which is supposed to help with the mood swings). None of which he has done over the last 3 months.

I need support, because he has me convinced at times that I am the crazy one. I just need confirmation either way. Am I crazy? Is this all my fault? Should I be over it by now and able to restore to him implicit trust?
Lauerallaie Lauerallaie
26-30, F
22 Responses Jan 16, 2013

Not your fault at all. Just watch the TV show CHEATERS. Even when caught red-handed, the Cheater always either denies responsibility for his/her actions, blames their partner, or lies about the cheating even occurring.

www.thefrisky.com/2013-01-08/dating-donts-its-not-your-fault-he-cheated/

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Wow! Your story is very similar to mine. Only I have 4 children with him and18 years of marriage. He gets extremely angry when caught, this is third time caught, and this time he beat up my 17 year old daughter.
RUN DO NOT WALK, RUN!
Leave him now before your 47 years old with 4 children who are traumatized by their fathers actions .
AND PRAY!!

Whoa, what a douche. He gabe you HPV and yet he's blaming you for his philandering ways? Screw him(not literally...)! Grow some balls and leave the man. Get your belongings and your child, go somewhere and pick yourself up--assuming you're not financially dependent on him.

I cannot believe how alike our situation are.I am 27 years old,have been with my husband for almost 3,we got married faster(because of the baby) and I found out that he was cheating on me and talking to his ex-s since after a few months after we moved in together.<br />
This happened a month ago when our baby was 8 months old and the same exact "excuse":blaming me.But in my case,he is saying that sex with me sucks,even though I found videos of his ex's "taking care of him" and I did the exact same thing or tries to change it saying that you get bored after a while.I don't think he is really sorry.I think he is sorry because he got caught and knows that I could screw up his military career.This is another reason why I can't see a counselor,because it would appear in the records and my worse problem is that I can't leave because I am not even an American citizen yet ,depend financially of him and he could win our son in a divorce.<br />
I am trying to become independent,but he is not willing to pay for day-care so it's going to be very hard.<br />
I know he ended up with the one he was having an affair,but I don't think it is going to be longer until he is going to find another one.<br />
He is trying to change and I give him credit for being a good father,but I am mentally a mess,I think I am horrible in bed(I only heard the opposite from my ex'es) and think that somehow this is my fault ..and I do have an incredible body and am attractive.The ones he is cheating me with are obviously low class women..

Clearly narcissistic or even sociopathic behavior. These types cannot be changed even by a professional. The key thing about these types, is they know what they are doing. They purposely blame you for their behavior and say things that aren't logical to make you feel crazy and confuse you. It's very intentional. They manipulate your good heart and use it to their advantage. They really don't care about your suffering at all. It's hard to fathom that there are such people, but there are. I went through this experience, and thank God one day I discovered the truth. From then on, I could spot the "crazy-making". It would disgust me to see him intentionally trying to work me. Made it easy to get over him.

I feel your pain and know how you hurt you feel. I have been both the wife that stayed and made it "work" for years and finally the strong person who said "I don't need you anymore." I made excuses for his infidelity by convincing myself that he was worth it and that my family was better if we stayed together. Finally one day I realized that it wasn't just about him but what the hell was wrong with me to let someone crap all over me and make me look like a fool. So I decided focus less on fixing him and looked at why I lost my strong sense of self. I started working on my career, being a super mom, went back to school, got a promotion at work, opened my own bank account, hit gym and started losing weight--feeling great, and started making new friends and reestablishing ME. Finally I had the common sense, strength, and support system needed to leave him on my terms. I told him I didn't need him, wasnt going to put up with his crap anymore, and told him to find some other fool and did all this without shedding a tear. This shocked him. I walked away and would not even give him the opportunity to yell at me, call me names, or convince me that I was "the problem"..etc. I am happier on my own and now that we are separated he's been trying to "win" my heart back by seeing a sex therapist, he sees me in a different light as a stronger, independant woman, and now does things he didn't do before like try to be my friend, leave me flowers, try to spend more time with his kids, and calls me often to try to reconcilate. He's knows he messed up and lost everything. I will always love him but not at the expense of my happiness or my children. So find your strength and what you lost when he hurt you.

You are my hero.God I wish I can find the strength you did.I want to achieve everything you have accomplished ,but it is seems so hard..Do you have any advice on how to ease this pain?

They all try that "It's not my fault..you drove me to it" crap. You aren't crazy. My ex did the same thing. It took me awhile to realize that the mood swings and general anxiety came less from my ex, who was having an affair, and more from me not wanting to accept that he wasn't the person I had thought he was and no matter how much I cried, begged, raged, prayed...he just never was going to look or feel the same way to me again. I had to leave him after 20+ years, and I still deal with that hope that the guy will suddenly revert back to the image I had of him before. But they never do. Your husband's anger is a deflection off of his slimey, cheating, crappy behavior, and on to your reactions to it because that puts you on the defensive and tends to confuse us. I vote you kick this loser to the curb. The STD alone would have made my head explode. Added to everything else, I'd fill his shampoo bottle with Nair, pack up the baby, and don't let the door hit you on the way out. He doesn't deserve a family.

I was married to a jerk like him. I was pregnant & we got married. After hearing everything from "my mom told me not to marry someone like you" to "you MADE me hit you", I decided to file for a divorce (after 5 yrs).We saw counselors & when the last counselor asked me what I wanted out of this marriage, I said a DIVORCE. I left with my boys & it was the BEST decision I ever made. I literally felt the weight coming off my shoulders. It was hard for my boys but they didnt miss the fighting.
So my advice is either to leave him or see a counselor. HE has the problem NOT you. And if you're the only 1 making the effort then you have your answer.......

He is at fault..he is traumatizing you emotionally ,find a couseller/pastor and leave him/separate to find and heal yourself first.....You must leave otherwise he will do more nasty things...reconciliation and other issues can wait....You must take care of your emotional health first/next time just hit out at him...don't hurt yourself....

Itis always the cheater's fault..NOT your fault...The one who cheat is the one who is wrong!

Hi there, I have been in the same situation but I've been married for 7 years and I have a two year old. The thing you have to understand is that it's easier for them to blame us then to blame themselves for cheating on us. They are selfish and know what they are doing but do not want to take responsibility for their actions. I am currently divorcing my husband and through this divorce I have found out the truth from others that have witnessed what happened then from my pathetic husband.

Couple more things. Cheating and making you feel like the ******* for them doing it transmitting stds from unprotected sex, no guilt no remorse. Using you, taking but never giving back. These are common behaviors of a sociopath Do a little home work what I posted is just a brief gimpse but you'll understand your situation better if you do some research. There is no medical or mental help for a sociopath. All the advice leads to one thing get away from him before he destroys your sanity and life.

I'm sorry about your situation, but it sounds like he is a sociopath. I cut and pasted this information from another site and please take the time to read it. Things won't get better, they make you feel like you are the crazy one he's going to continue to cheat on and use you. Surprisingly 1 out of every 25 people is a sociopath.

Characteristics of a Sociopath


******************************

Jekyll & Hyde personality

always charming and beguilingly plausible, especially to those who are capable of protecting or enhancing the sociopath's position

excels at deception (this must never be underestimated, but always is)

excels at evasion of accountability

is extremely and successfully manipulative of people's perceptions and emotions (eg guilt and anger)

silver-tongued, has an extreme verbal facility and can outwit anybody (including a top barrister) in verbal conflict

will often engineer himself or herself into a position of authority as gatekeeper of the organisation and thus the person through whom all information must flow, and the person to whom all requests for services must be referred - which he or she then takes delight in denying

is adept at offering weak and inadequate people the positions of power, control, security, influence or respect that they crave but who lack the necessary competencies to achieve - such people are unaware that their consequent dependence on the sociopath makes them permanent manipulatees, pawns and expendable agents of harassment

identifies those essential to the sociopath's survival and manipulates their perceptions of them by making them feel special and thus obligated to reciprocate with support and protection

manipulates others into making fools of themselves in situations where they cannot back down or from which they cannot withdraw - these people become increasingly susceptible to further manipulation and are then trapped as pawns in the sociopath's game

is likely to be surrounded by people who, having been subjected to control, manipulation and punishment by the sociopath, look wretched and who start to exhibit behaviour best described as disordered, dysfunctional, sullen, aggressive, defensive, hostile, retaliatory, counterproductive or cult-like and for whom disbelief, disavowal and denial are instinctive responses

creates an environment where levels of denial are so great that those involved are oblivious of the foolishness and self-evident absurdity of their denials when presented with the facts, with the result that non-involved observers are led to question whether such levels of denial merit psychiatric intervention

is contemptuous of disrepute to their organisation and of collateral damage and of the destructive consequences for all direct and indirect parties

is always surrounded by and leaves behind a trail of dysfunctional organisations, destroyed businesses, ruined careers, stress breakdowns and unexplained suicides

despite a trail of devastation to individuals, organisations, families and communities, the actions of a socialised psychopath may go undetected or unrecognised for years

a history of conducting frivolous, vexatious and malicious legal actions, especially (but not exclusively) against anyone who can recognise the sociopath for what he is

only after the sociopath is exposed and relieved of position, or they move on, can the full depth of their destructive behaviour be fathomed and the consequences calculated

is skilled at identifying, undermining, discrediting, neutralising and destroying anyone who can see through the sociopath's mask of sanity
at all times restricts the actions and rights of others (especially those holding the sociopath accountable) whilst aggressively protecting his or her right to do anything without being hampered by social norms or legal requirements

pursues endless vindictive vendettas against anyone perceived as a threat or who attempts, knowingly or unknowingly, to identify or reveal or expose the sociopath, or who makes efforts to hold the sociopath accountable

is adept at appropriating rules, regulations, procedures and law to manipulate, control and punish accusers regardless of relevance, logic, facts or consequences

persists in and pursues vindictive vendettas using self-evidently false evidence or information, even after this is brought to the attention of the sociopath

will often manipulate minor bullies of the Wannabe type (who on their own might or would not merit the label 'serial bully') into acting as agents of harassment and as unwitting or unwilling conductors of vendettas
is adept at placing people in situations where the sociopath can tap into each person's instinctive urge to retaliate in order to use them as his or her instruments or agents of harassment

gains gratification from provoking others into engaging in adversarial conflict

once conflict has been initiated, the sociopath gains increased gratification by exploiting human beings' instinctive need to retaliate - this is achieved by encouraging and escalating peoples' adversarial conflicts into mutually assured destruction

revels in the gratification gained from seeing or causing other people's distress

when faced with accountability or unwelcome attention which might lead to others discerning the sociopath's true nature, responds with repeated and escalating attempts to control, manipulate and punish

is adept at reflecting all accusations and attempts at accountability back onto their accusers

is adept at creating conflict between those who would otherwise pool negative information about the sociopath

has no limits on his or her vindictiveness

the need to control, manipulate and punish develops into an obsession with many of the hallmarks of an addiction

is skilled at mimicry and can plausibly and spontaneously regurgitate all the latest management jargon

exhibits minimal professional skill level and competency

exploits his or her intelligence to excel at talentless mediocrity

is always identifying the behaviours and strategies to which other people respond with the desired effect

is able to anticipate and credibly say what people want to hear

is easily able to win people over before betraying them or deceiving them or ripping them off

easily manipulates and bewitches an immature or naive or vulnerable or emotionally needy person to be their spokesperson or agent of aggression

exploits anyone who has a vulnerability

is pushy and extremely persuasive

is sexually inadequate and sexually abusive

is likely to protect anyone accused of or suspected of sexual abuse of ********* activity, and will frustrate or obstruct investigations into that person

maybe associating with, or actively involved in, abuse or ********* activity

has no emotions, no emotional processing capability and no ability to understand other's emotions

is incapable of understanding, initiating or sustaining intimacy

the male sociopath has often convinced a string of women to feel they are in love with him and despite being treated abominably they blindly continue to be loyal to him and minister willingly to his every demand

may start projects with apparent enthusiasm and energy but quickly loses interest

frequently takes unnecessary and uncalculated risks but takes no account of consequences

is reckless and untrustworthy with money

is likely to be illegally diverting or siphoning off significant sums of money to his or her own budget, project, account or cause

is unreliable and untrustworthy in every facet of life

is likely to be leaking confidential information or secrets to third parties

is likely to have committed or be committing criminal or near-criminal offences, eg fraud, embezzlement, deception

is likely to have committed or be committing breaches of harassment and discrimination law, employment law, contract law, etc

disregards rules, regulations, Health and Safety requirements, professional standards, codes of conduct and legal requirements, etc

cannot comprehend the deeper semantic meaning of language and is thus unable to understand or appreciate metaphor, hyperbole, irony, satire etc (these elicit either zero response or a hostile response)

likes, seeks, enjoys and relies on procedure, ritual and ritualistic practices

through arrogant overconfidence takes increasingly risky chances and eventually overplays their hand or makes a mistake which leads to the sociopath revealing him or herself

exhibits parasitical behaviour, takes everything and gives nothing

grabs headline credit for minimal, flukey or other peoples' success whilst

surviving off the backs of manipulatees who are exclusively blamed for all failures

rarely blinks, may have stary scary eyes that cut right through you, or may avoid eye contact completely

is callous, cold and calculating

is devious, clever and cunning

is ruthless in the extreme

regards people as objects and playthings to be discarded when surplus to requirements

displays zero empathy

completely without conscience, remorse and guilt

malicious and evil

The writing is on the wall - but unfortunately you are not reading it clearly - he will always be controlling and abusive - sadly you just have to leave. Go anywhere - but just get away, and report any aggression from him to the police - because there will be some if he finds you.

get out now for the shake of your child. I am a man that had a ex like this i have a child with to. He will never change atleast not with you. Trust me run like hell you will only go through more pain and hurt your child in the process. If you have ? or need advice feel free to ask. Its a rough road to take but it will get better im 6months free

From reading your story i can only say PLEASE dont waste your life and feelings for this man. i wish i could tell you that he will change, and maybe if you threaten with divorce he will stop his cheating and abuse for a while but unfortunately looking back on his prior behaviour he will be always looking for someone else. There is something missing from your relationship and thats the RESPECT he should have for YOU. if you believe you have tried and given him all that you feel he deserves from a loving wife what more can you do? its not your fault its just maybe he is not the one you should be with or deserves you.

When a man is abusive, he will alienate you from all of your friends, even your family. Does he control the finances? Does he make you feel worthless? Does he scare you or hit you? Does he tell u that he will get custody of the baby if u try to leave? Those are just a few of the things abusers are known to do. You're not crazy.

Honey, this has all the signs of an abusive relationship. His actions aren't your fault at all. I know u love him but is it worth putting your life in danger? Your child? Make sure u delete your browsing history and get some help from a domestic abuse hotline.

What a pathetic man! He thinks is action is cause of you, what a horrid man. Your an amazin woman from what i read. You have done nothing wrong and trust is like loosing your virginity once its gone you cant get it back. He has lost your trust by cheatin and instead of being a real man seek counsellin he blames it on you. I do believe is action calls for some serious therapy and if he continues to reject seekin therapy i think it best to call for divorce i do understand you just got married and you have your son to think about but your young and to think of many more years of his cheating and verbal abuse can you really cope with that? And it seem to me he doesn care about your feeling or respect you. He brought that girl in your home where you and him are raisin a family and slept with her, he clearly doesnt care about you or his son gettin affected by his childish behaviour you need to put him in his place and tel him to choose his life style or you. And you abbot live with a man that lies and act like he is innocent that man need to grow up and be more responsible. My mom was in a relationship like that until she seek help and advice now she is newly married with a man that loves and respect her

What a pathetic man! He thinks is action is cause of you, what a horrid man. Your an amazin woman from what i read. You have done nothing wrong and trust is like loosing your virginity once its gone you cant get it back. He has lost your trust by cheatin and instead of being a real man seek counsellin he blames it on you. I do believe is action calls for some serious therapy and if he continues to reject seekin therapy i think it best to call for divorce i do understand you just got married and you have your son to think about but your young and to think of many more years of his cheating and verbal abuse can you really cope with that? And it seem to me he doesn care about your feeling or respect you. He brought that girl in your home where you and him are raisin a family and slept with her, he clearly doesnt care about you or his son gettin affected by his childish behaviour you need to put him in his place and tel him to choose his life style or you. And you abbot live with a man that lies and act like he is innocent that man need to grow up and be more responsible. My mom was in a relationship like that until she seek help and advice now she is newly married with a man that loves and respect her

What a pathetic man! He thinks is action is cause of you, what a horrid man. Your an amazin woman from what i read. You have done nothing wrong and trust is like loosing your virginity once its gone you cant get it back. He has lost your trust by cheatin and instead of being a real man seek counsellin he blames it on you. I do believe is action calls for some serious therapy and if he continues to reject seekin therapy i think it best to call for divorce i do understand you just got married and you have your son to think about but your young and to think of many more years of his cheating and verbal abuse can you really cope with that? And it seem to me he doesn care about your feeling or respect you. He brought that girl in your home where you and him are raisin a family and slept with her, he clearly doesnt care about you or his son gettin affected by his childish behaviour you need to put him in his place and tel him to choose his life style or you. And you abbot live with a man that lies and act like he is innocent that man need to grow up and be more responsible. My mom was in a relationship like that until she seek help and advice now she is newly married with a man that loves and respect her