Heartbroken

I found my husband's email to a women and he was setting up a time to meet her. When I asked him about it he cussed me out for looking at his email! Then he said he did not do anything forget about it. I did let it go because I also have children. And just a few months ago I found he was posting adds looking for someone to sleep with on craigslist. He does not know I know. He comes home and I am all bad, don't clean the house good enough, ect. In other words somehow it is all my fault he wants to sin and do me dirty. I plan on leaving him. I have to wait a while before I can because I want take a chance on the courts letting him have the kids. He is not a good parent. Life is only about him and his needs. He raves and cusses and uses put downs. I want leave the kids alone with him. So I am stuck for now. It is so hard when there are young kids. Their lives also get changed. But some times if it is really a bad marriage it is better to just make the change if you can. I wish I could but can't right now. But believe me I would if I could.

He is not going to be able to give you what he can't feel. He sounds a lot like my husband, just mad because he is caught. He wanted what he wanted and you got in the way. If he is like my husband he does not care what you need or want he only cares about what he wants. You are hoping he will react as you would if the rolls were reversed. If you were the one caught doing this you would do everything in your power to make him feel better. In other words you would love him.

Of course you are afraid to leave what should have been two people facing the world as one is now just you alone. What should have been your greatest support and trust is gone. But you are not alone God is with you and He cares. Trust in Him. And love yourself. You did nothing to cause your husband actions. He choose to do what he was doing without caring what it would do to you. Part of the game is taking the chance to get caught. If you get hurt it is to bad as in their eyes they have a right. At least that is how I see it with my husband.

You are stronger then you think. When I needed surgery I was afraid but after it was done I was more healthy. This is the same thing in a way. You are afraid to take the steps you need to take to be happy and healthy. But once you do you will feel so much better. Remember this is not your fault. He choose to do what he did. You have a right to not put up with it.

Step out take control back over your life. Live. You can do it.

Just my thoughts.

I feel as though you have summed up my life with my husband of 39 1/2 years. The same profile of men. It is very difficult to "get over", "forget" or "forgive".. That is what he tells me on a daily basis. He just wants us to move on.. I don't know how to move on when I don't trust him anymore. I don't even like him anymore. I understand how you feel. I know it is worse when you have small children. Our children are adults in their 30's. We have five grandchildren that he felt the need to take himself away from because as he puts it "I have raised my children, I don't need grandchildren". How do you like that? Instead of appreciating them, he turns away from them. My children are at odds with each other about this situation. One daughter is on his side because of her own indiscretion. She understands how he feels. They are of the same mold. My other two children are more for me because he did the unthinkable. However, they always knew that is a spoiled, selfish, self-centered brat. He has been that way since birth. I let things go over the last 40 years, but now is a different story. He kept this woman when we were so happy and enjoying our retirement together. He also does not want to talk about his affair and wants me to move on. If someone can explain "HOW", I would definitely listen. Any help would be appreciated. Good luck to us all.

I just found my husband was having an emotional affair with a university student. he teaches tennis at the university and this girl was in his class. He is 43 she was probably 20......he left his email account open and i found emails about him telling her how she was beatiful and hot in her short black skirt and how he really wanted to work things out with her. apperently it had been going on for three months and it seems she got sick of it and never responded to him anymore, and I guess thats why he decided to stay with me. we also have three kids under the age of 6, which is the hardest part. If it were me alone i would have been gone in a second. I just don't think I can handle three kids on my own, plus he's ok with the kids and they obviously love him. But for me it hurts so much that i don't think i can ever trust him again. i am with you totally when you say " i feel i need out of this marriage but am so afraid of taking this step" I feel the exact way too. even though deep down I know the right thing to do is leave, to face the fear of being alone with all teh responsibilty of three kids that need so much love and attention and I just don't know if I have it in me to give. but at the same time i don't think he deserves to be with me and the kids because he obviously had no commitment to us in the first place. oh and he did the same thing about blaming it on me when I confronted him about the cheating...somehow it was my fault because we were fighting alot........and then it was the other girls fault becase she came on him. eventually he came around to admit that he has problems abd that it was a result of his own insecurities, and at first hearing this was enough to make me think we could work through it and that he truly does love me. but now every time i see a text messege on his phone from a girl, i wonder. its a constant reminder and it brings up all the feelings of pain and hurt again and again. i don't see any solution other than us breaking up and both of us seeing other people. If at some point we both decide later on that we still love each other than maybe we would reconcile. but right now i don't think I can still be with him, and I think you are completely within your right to say same thing. If he's on anti depresants he also needs to do some talk therapy to get to the root of the problem becasue the pills alone won't solve the problem. depression usually comes from the repression of emotions, things that probably happened along time ago in childhood, that have nothing to with you and therefore until he deals with them they will just be emotional baggage that you have to carry as long as you are with him. again same as me. as long as i stay and help carry the weight of his crap, the longer i will suffer. hope i'm not venting too much.......jsut wanted you to know there is someone out there who is in the exact same situation!

My husband had an emotional affair 7 yrs ago. It was a part of my life I never saw coming. He lied to me about things, saw her, didnt answer his cell or left it at home. The hurt was unbearable. the loss of trust even more so. the marriage suffered, i moved out. i came back against my better judgement. Once the trust is gone, its an uphill battle.
when he says he's going somewhere you wonder, when he's late from getting home from work you wonder....
If you love him then stay, if you dont then leave...thats all the advice i can give you.

Again, I was reading below. It is true we need to require more for ourselves. Dealbreaker one person said. It would be if it was my husband and I did what he did. He keeps to the statement he did not cheat! Do not get me wrong, that would of been so so much worse, however it still hurts and he is not the call on when I get over it. His lack of understanding will make it never go away, I am afraid.

Building trust can take years, however it can be gone in a flash. I just read that below. So right!

I think you must be me. I am sorry, I have no words of advise. I do know the frustration and sadness. He wanted someone else. He wants you to get over it. However, if they are not understanding how you are feeling how can you get over it.

First, I am very sorry you are going though this. I know it's not easy and when kids are involved its even worse. I feel he is being unreasonable in his expectations for you to "get over it ad stop talking about it". Building trust can take years, but it can be lost in a flash. I doubt he would get over it and stop talking about it if the situation were reversed. All I can say s you need to do whatever is best for you and your kids. I wish you the very best and if you need to talk/vent feel free to message me ((hug))

I guess I didn't have to write all that to get my point across.....all I really needed to say is this: Is this the way you want your daughter and/or son to act in a relationship. In other words, what kind of man/woman do you want to raise? They're both learning how to be one right now. If your son was doing these things to his wife, would you be proud?

what are your expectations for your children. Don't fool yourself into thinking that they're too young to be learning anything from all of this. They are.

You know...I hate the fact that you have kids with this guy because that means you get to deal with his b.s. for quite awhile to come, but it is what it is.

So here's what's up. Your counseling is "making things worse" for a couple reasons:

1. If he is not taking medication for his condition, then he isn't "struggling" with anything. He's fine living with it, and fine with inflicting himself upon you.

2. He has entitlement issues, also known as narcissistic tendencies. There are plenty of people out there with depression who do not treat their spouses like crap. Ya. You should be plenty pissed off about this one and not put up with it for even half a second.

As in: "he doesn't want to talk about the affair and wants me to trust him again and move on!"

Well guess what sweetheart? This isn't about what he does or doesn't want to talk about. This is called DEALBREAKER.

His behavior was unacceptable, period, end of conversation. You agreed to counseling to try to save your marriage. If he no longer wants to "TALK" about the EMOTIONAL AFFAIR that HE DID HAVE (a betrayal of you), and HIS PLANS to turn it into a PHYSICAL AFFAIR, then the "deal" to save your marriage, is now OVER.

It's really that simple. Truly. But based on what you've said, he's going to try to do as little as possible and keep you there at the same time because you have accepted all of his bad behavior in the past. (see honeymoon) so between his manipulations, mental illnesses, and the fact that he is the father of your kids "in the happy family bubble" (which doesn't exist for him by the way -- see affair) unless YOU SET DROP DEAD BOUNDARIES AND STICK TO THEM regardless of his anger and dissatisfaction, he will *NEVER* treat you with love and respect...and that's because you don't demand it of him, nor are you giving it to yourself right now.

So the real question here is, why should he do it if you're not?

Stand up for what you know is right and insist on it.