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I Do Not Know How to Trust Him Again

I trusted him for 5 years ... only to find out that it was all a lie! I decided to give him another chance but how do I trust him again? After everything that he has done to me ... averaging an affair a year including one after we got back together ... how do I trust him. There is another woman that he is talking to that I have never heard of. He says they are just friends and he has known her forever yet I have never heard of her! He is writting her emails which is where most of the other affairs started, he has a picture of her on his phone, and the second I walked in he closed the letter he was writting to her. When I tell him to prove my susspisions wrong he says either I get over it or he is going to get pissed off at me. In the past when nothing was going on he would just show me. Now he says that he does not need me beong a private investigator.

We are in year 6 now and I do not know how to move forward when he keeps so many secrets! Should I trust him blindly or should I be affraid? Am I right and if I am what do I do? I know in my heart of hearts I can not go through all of this again. I am pregnant with our third child and he is not here for me. He does not care if I am hurting I am just supposed to GET OVER IT!

memnochmom memnochmom 22-25, F 18 Responses Oct 6, 2008

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That gut feeling is all you need to make a decision. Nobody in their right mind is going to call you paranoid. From the outside looking in I'd tell you to walk away only to spare you a higher degree of heartache later on. Problem is, that's easier said then done. Strive not for an easier life but strive for the strength to get you through this one.

I think that you should trust your intuition. Thats why its still warning you because you are not ready to trust him yet. Could you bear having a break from him for a while. Why does he get angry when you are trying to work out what he's up to if he's got nothing to hide? It may be worth reading up abit more about afairs on the internet. There is alot of information about the sort of responses and feelings you may have. Or join something like relate. It sounds like you deserve much better. I wish you well whatever you decide.

To me from what i have read i believe that you already know the answer to your question. Sweety it is best you let him go he is not therefore you and he clearly wont stop cheatin. Think about the affect it will have on your kids and to you. You have feelings and they should not be ignored but he is ignoring them take those 5yrs of lies to help you make your choice, he is a liar and a cheater. He is blind to see the value of you and the kids you gave him. Yes your pregnant and this is a time where stress, pain and heartache should be put aside but seem to me with him being around you will always have those feelings. Love is one thing that many person is blinded by pls dont let in this case love blind you to end up with a torn heart and a broken spirit. You gave him enough chances and if wont stop cos he knows you love him so much you will always forgive and give him more chances. It is time to put your foot down for you and your kids and put this man in place and let him know its either he stops or your leavin.

If you feel the need to search there is a reason. It sounds to me he is cheating. As you said before he would be fine with showing it- with my husband he is the same way the more he hides it the more obvious it is!!!!

I think you should tell him: I'll go, leave you

I know it sounds crazy, but look at his reaction

What if your threat is what he wants?- bad advice!!!

You mean that he wants to be told that so that they could break up, like a reason to break up? Would you make him stay even though he doesn't want to? I don't believe he wants to break up, but I cannot agree that you have to stick with the person against their will. As you said "If you stay only for your children they will suffer." I hope that they will work it out. Happy new year!

hi there. i am in your situation right now. i am pregnant with our second child and i suspect he is cheating and know he is. he denies it, ofcourse. they are all liars, they are not to be trusted.

'How do I trust him?' Answer: you don't he is not to be trusted. His past actions and his current activities show that he is not repentant for the wrongs he has done to you and your children. But what really sends alarm bell ringing is his THREAT to get pissed at you for not doing as he wants, in other words: I will punish you if you don't let me do what I want. !!

This my darling is an abusive relationship. I believe that there is hope after infidelity but only if certain criteria are met. Often a separation is the only way to let him see what his wants will cost him. If and only if he comes crawling back full of repentance then the following are ground rules he has to agree to..If he will not agree then it is because he is not repentant at all..just sorry for himself. These are not in any particular order, and there may be more conditions laid down by you depending upon your particular circumstances.

1. All contact of any kid with the affair partner(s) has to stop.
2. full disclosure of what has actually been going on.
3. Transparency from the cheater (access to phones/social sites/emails etc)
4. He has accept openly how wrong his wrongdoing (he knows its wrong that's why he does it in secret)
5. Agree for both of you to get professional help to heal.

There is nothing you can do to change anyone else, the best you can hope for is to perhaps influence them to change, but always without your constant police like presence that influence will have no affect. And who would want to live with a partner who you know will simply get better at hiding their hurtful ways. And eventually they will get to a point where their selfish desires far out way your needs as a couple or need to keep the peace.

By allowing him to stay you have become his enabler. I know how hard this is, but believe me you are deciding how the rest of your life will be lived. Can you go on like this? Yes you may loose him, but that is the risk you take as a one last chance for him to become the husband and father your family needs.

and of course he has to commit to never doing it again, once more sniff of it and he's out !...just my opinion take or leave what you think is pertinent to your situation.
Best of luck.

Sometimes we have our reasons for staying and leaving. I would right now focus on your children and then do YOU

If you stay only for your children they will suffer- my situation- if you can't forgive the children will suffer and you're better off not together... If you love him so much you don't want to leave- get help to forgive... I know easier said than done bc I'm in the same situations and I've paid $2000 for that advice lol- let me save you the money and be honest, STAYING INA RELATIONSHIP CAN BE MORE SELFISH BECAUSE IF THE RELATIONSHIP IS UNHEALTHY (no matter how minimal) THE CHILDREN WILL SUFFER

Your suppose to look at how great your life would be without him. My marriage is falling apart and I decided to take a break for a few days, I hadn't felt do good in years. You can do it alone. You can be strong for your children and show them that they need to make themselves happy before depending on someone else to make them happy. It's ok to be with yourself, a person you can trust always and count on! By the way I'm 5 months pregnant and although he is interested in the baby he really isn't needed.

I know what you are going through - what I want to know is when does it stop hurting and how do you start to trust him again. Its been over 19 years and feel that it cant all be a lie? how you get past the cheating and start healing???

I been through this 2 and im actually still kinda going through trust issues with him.To me it sounds like hes still cheating. When your ƒeeling it its true.Especially iƒ he hurry ups and closes it when your walking in thats a deƒinite cheating sign trust me.It sounds like hes not even trying.Leave him ƒor at least a lil bit and he will realize your not playing no more and arent gonna put up with it anymore.Iƒ you need to talk just inbox me im here and i know how it ƒeels.

just because you may have forgiven him, it does NOT mean you should trust him again. trust is earned and he hasn't earned it. it seems like he has no respect for you.

Counseling

I know exactly how you feel. I know it makes it a lot harder having kids. Mudpuddle is right, once a cheater always a cheater. I know I should probably take my own advice here too, but you need to be strong and do what is right for you, makes you happy, and what is right for your children. I really hope the best for you.

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I am going through the same thing right now. I have had a gut feeling that my partner has been cheating on me for a long time now. I started snooping around and found receipts from stores and restaurants that prove that he was lying about the time he finishes work. Here I am going through his pockets, checking his clothes for hair, and my what a crazy, exhausting task. I was telling my therapist (I decided to finally go for counselling) about this obsession and she told me that I'm just looking for a reason to do nothing. I mean I found long blond hair under his socks and on some of his shirts, he tells me he finishes work late only to find out that it was all a LIE!!!! Now, I know what I need to do and that is throw his *** out the door. Once a cheater always a cheater.

I'm sorry to hear that. I am in a similar situation. I have a long story to tell... don't know where to begin. I moved out and begun accepting the fact that our marriage was not going to work and now he wants me back again... should I give him a third chance? Follow your insticts and do investigate... if your gut feeling tells you something is wrong, more likely it is. I'm sorry to say that, but I had a feeling but did not investigate.. then 6 months later found out that he did not cut off the relationship even though he promissed he had... I think he felt for her and I'm not sure if he can ever love me the way he loved her. We've been married 11 years, have a six year old son.. which makes it more difficult to deal with. ... good luck ...

you can only go off what someone has done to you in the past, and you said it he doesnt care. Stay if you are happy to turn a blind eye and can live with what he has done and what he is most likely to do in the future. Leave only when you are emotionally ready and have tried everything including councelling. What could be worse six years of this or six years and one day?

I also have had the same experience! believed me it was not pleasant! if he is the only one who support the family then you must find your self a job and tell him to leave. If you are lucky enough to have your own job and you don't need his contribution to run the family and to support the kids financially then i think it is time for you to move on. Remember once he the cheater he will always be a cheater

Sorry to hear this...<br />
<br />
It sounds like he hasn't Earned your trust, and isn't interested in doing so.. I never blindly trust those who don't deserve it.. Don't be afraid.. he will suffer in the end for his actions, if you get the courage to leave with the children ...when you've finally had enough.<br />
Good Luck.. & stay strong hun..