She Was So Innocent

Several years ago, my family was turned upside down in a matter of six weeks.  Six weeks.  After almost 20 years of a happy marriage, raising three beautiful kids, and living an honest and successful life, I learned it wasn’t any of that at all.  Not any of that at all.  Everything I thought I knew, everything I believed in, my faith in God, my trust in friends and family, was no longer.  It was simply…gone.  Gone for good in six weeks, never to be fully redeemed or saved.  It will never be understood.

I went to a therapist who was recommended by a doctor friend of mine. She had seen him herself so I took a risk.  I had no trust and was more than leery when I entered his office.  He set me at ease immediately; he was a kind, gentle, unassuming man whose very presence spoke compassion.  I began to share my tragic story.  He listened intently with genuine concern.  After I had spilled what I could, he looked directly at me and said, “Your family has suffered a personal holocaust.”  This could very well be interpreted as exaggeration or overly dramatic, but having come from an older Jewish man, I somehow found comfort in those words.  My pain and heartache had been validated.  I finally believed that there was at least one person who could empathize with my loss and pain. 

I was not the only one struggling in my family.  Not one of us was spared some trauma from the events.  My youngest was nine years old at the time, a time when she should have been running free, full of childhood and innocence.  Instead, she was caught in the middle of our personal storm, our hell, if you will, accompanying us to therapy appointments, hospitals, and treatment programs.  At home, she would quietly retreat alone to her bedroom where she would read and write for hours.  We tried to help her as best we could at the time, but she was so young to be exposed to such chaos.  She was the gentlest of our children, too.  My worry for her was every bit as deep as for the other two who were directly involved in the fray of events.  She was caught up in the middle of such.

We still carry these scars today and we all deal with them in very different ways, some healthy, though many destructive.  Recently, for no solid reason I can find, these events have again come to the forefront.  Ironically, while I was sorting through some boxes and keepsakes, I found this poem.  It was written when my “baby”, then nine, so poignantly tried to express her feelings as an innocent who had become the lonely child, trying to make sense of a world that sometimes makes no sense at all. It is presented here, exactly as written , but without her illustration of a sad faced little girl lying alone under a checkered quilt in her bed.

I love you, K.  I wish I could fix you.


I feel lifeless

by, KB

I feel lifeless,
Because my life is a mess,
How bad is my sorrow,
No one would know,
No one but me.

I feel depressed,
Helpless and stressed,
Living my life,
Feels like the stab of a knife,
Yes, it sure does.

I feel sad,
Awful and mad,
My nerves are frayed,
And my happiness is quite a pale shade,
That’s the way it is.

I sleep a lot,
My feelings very hot,
Troubling dreams fill my head,
As I lay asleep in my bed,
It’s weird.  I don’t want to die.

 

Please, let’s take care of our little ones.  Let’s do everything we can to spare them this kind of pain at such a young age. 

No...at any age.

 

 

Myonis108 Myonis108
56-60, F
50 Responses Feb 28, 2010

Wow. I missed so many of these comments while I was away from EP. 8FootDread, you just blew me away with that beautiful prayer poem. Thank you so much for that gift.<br />
Thanks to all of you who took the time to comment. Some of your stories break my heart. I appreciate the amazing support I've found here. Blessings to all of you!

It breaks my heart to hear so much pain from such a young mind and heart. I hope that she finds her support and her way in the world to move forward in a positive wave.

I have a fuked up childhood and to this day, my parents, although know, do not feel guilty of providing me a horrible experience growing up.<br />
<br />
Of course my parents are not white. I wish they were. They would have been way more understanding.<br />
<br />
I HATE MY DAD for fuking up my life.<br />
I'm fuked up because of him!

Myonis, I'm so sorry for you and your family. My sister has 4 children. All were sexually assaulted at a very tender age by a good friend of the family's. He was an officer in the Child Protection Unit, and they felt very safe in entrusting their precious little ones to his care when they went overseas for 6 weeks. The baby was a year old. My sister was also repeatedly raped as a small child, so for her it was particularly devastating. <br />
The journey has been a long one, and still goes on. Three of them have recovered very well, are all in long-term relationships. The eldest is married with 2 precious children. One is engaged and the other is in a committed relationship. The youngest is struggling with teenage angst, and other problems and his struggles have caused them all to re-live those 6 weeks. It is hard and so sad. But there is a lot of love, a lot of discussion and openness in their home. They are strong because they are united and loved.<br />
I hope that by sharing some of their story, you will be encouraged that it does get better with love, open discussion and time. Your youngest daughter wrote incredibly for one so young, and I am glad she still pursues that. I pray that your family will find their ways of dealing with this, and be healthy, happy and whole. With love, X@

Solomon Burke sang "none of us is free, none of us is free, if one of us is chained none of us is free..."<br />
<br />
Dear Myonis108<br />
<br />
who I am is unimportant<br />
<br />
That I have been moved by your story is<br />
<br />
whatever there is of healing and light and love I have to offer in a small way has been sent to you in a golden flame of healing solace, respite and peace...<br />
<br />
may the sun dawn ever stronger for you <br />
each day<br />
each day<br />
each and every day <br />
<br />
May the nights gentle you and your family with comforting rest<br />
each night<br />
each night<br />
each and every night<br />
<br />
May the indigo shield of protection hold your family secure now and in your future...<br />
<br />
we have a song in my native language which says...<br />
<br />
may the sun shine upon you<br />
may you be cleansed by the four winds<br />
may you be purified by the healing rains<br />
may all that troubles you in the night be released<br />
may the shackles of suffering be ever broken<br />
may your spirit ascend to freedom<br />
unto the very heights of happiness in life <br />
<br />
this I sing for you and your daughter and family<br />
for all children<br />
for all parentsand brothers and sisters<br />
for all families<br />
for the lost souls who would do harm to others<br />
for the angels who come to support us in times of tragedy<br />
and for forgiveness<br />
and most of all for love and peace in this world <br />
NOW at this time<br />
<br />
AROHANUI<br />
Love, light, compassion<br />
<br />
8FD

OSS, thank you. My heart goes out to you, as I've said. If there was only a way we could prevent this... Bless you for standing by the families and victims affected by these horrendous crimes and lending strength and a voice when they can't yet find their own.

Thanks, Pedro. ((hugs)) xoxo

Thanks, DBM. (It's nice to see you on EP!)

Thank you, Buckaroo.

My sympathies

Nyxie, you always know how to help. You're one I listen to and as you've experienced, call when I don't always know where to turn.

I don't know what to say, Myo, other than to offer my love and support. I hope that sharing this here has helped ease your pain. I'm so sorry.

rssecrets, she learned to express herself this way and now has her degree in writing. I know that this sort of thing becomes a part of who you are. We have calm times, then rocky times. It's funny, we can go years without this cropping up, but lately it's just in our faces and we are all back to wildly treading water and keeping our heads up just enough to breathe. It's hard to hold each other up when you're working so hard to stay above water to save yourself. Thanks for commenting.

((hugs)) It's nice to be understood. I could never understand how these friends went silent and disappeared. I hardly think their discomfort was worse than anything we were feeling. Why inflict more? Say ANYTHING! Even just "I'm sorry", two simple words that can be so very comforting. I think their silence was sometimes born of fear. If it could happen to us, it could happen to them.

Faucon, you couldn't say anything wrong and what you say would always matter. It was my so-called "friends' silence that hurt. :,(

Talking is good. You'll never get an argument from on that.

Oh, dear Lilt... You've always been a great support to me and you know how much I struggle with this. Sometimes I just have to talk about it or it will eat me up. Thanks for listening.

I love you, my dear sweet friend. You are so right, you cannot not ever be prepared for something that horrific. And I know you are the kind of person who likes to be prepared. Unfortunately, we can't control the actions of others.

snippy, you can never be prepared for everything in life. Ours came out of the blue and my children were young. I'm sorry you're having a hard time right now. Hopefully, some peace will come in time.<br />
2BPained,thank you for sharing your painful story. That's such a difficult thing you had to deal with for so long. My kids are older now, and still deal with it in their own ways and most likely will for the rest of their lives. I know I will. That pit of sorrow at the loss of innocence and the aftermath is always there.

I was molested by my grandfather for years, I believe that it would have been worse if<br />
he'd been able, I was told to "be nice to Grampa" and, if I tried to avoid him, I was being<br />
"not nice". Grampa was wealthy, you see. My mother had been the favorite daughter until<br />
the younger brother had been born, 20 years after my mother. She didn't want to do anything<br />
that would upset him; my father, a doctor, just drank. Thankfully, Grampa was impotent.<br />
<br />
The victim is not to blame though, and kids can bully other kids. I'm sure that the daughter<br />
had treated other children as she treated your children, it doesn't stop, and it doesn't end until it ends. In my case, nothing ever was done, my grandfather died at aged 80 in 1981. No one<br />
wanted to say anything, and within the family, I was told to be nice, which meant, make him happy. So, he felt me and made suggestive remarks, and french kissed me. Thank God my grandmother cared enough to say something to him, and as I got older, I got better at avoiding<br />
him. But it was 14 years of hell. Out of all the people around, only my grandmother said a thing.<br />
Money unfortunately makes a difference, and people can be afraid to say something if they think they might be wrong, and they'd be sued, or they would become an "enemy" and be out of favor, or their friends would be angry. <br />
<br />
Thank God you loved your kids enough to fight for their well being, not everyone is capable of that love. Keep telling them that you love them, and that no one has the right to do that to anyone, they have to know that they were not to blame. But don't push the victim mentality, make them stronger for it, they are survivors, and not to think of themselves as helpless, they will be stronger and, by God, may they never let anyone get away with that again! God bless you.

Our lives can be turned upset side down in a matter of minutes and you can never be prepared. I have seen people that you would have never thought would devestate their families and friends and they did. Now I'am never sure that it could not happen to me and I need to be prepared, but how do you do that? How do you plan for something that you are not wanting to see or believe in the first place. Our daughter has ripped this family apart and it will never be the same. She has gone from being straight to being gay to now being bi and living with her exhusband and gay lover at the same time. Talk about a mess, this is a first for our family.

Oh, Meg, I'm not brave... I just keep putting one foot in front of the other and hope I can help someone along the way.

Myo your brave heart shows through sharing this story....thank you for being willing to share!

Thanks, gryfnn and sgtdemanda...it will be life long, but possible. I appreciate your comments.

Heartbreaking and frustrating...hoping you can all find peace in your hearts and minds someday....

It isn't necessary for you to tell what happened during those six weeks.......the devastation that your family suffered is fully expressed in your heart rending story.....This I can tell you....you and your children can go on to lead good fulfilling lives---we humans have amazing abilities to overcome unspeakable traumas...this I know for sure.. prayers and blessings for you and yours.

Wow, all these comments. I would address each one, but there are too many. I will say to JJTM I really don't understand what you are saying. Sorry...I do know that that nobody was using me for money or out of jealousy, or for instant gratification. <br />
I have reached a place of acceptance of what happened since sadly, I can't change it, but even now, 15 years later, it's hard to make sense out of any of it. Forgiveness and healing will be a life long process, I'm afraid, for all of us. <br />
Thank you for all your warm and encouraging comments. It helps so much.

My deepest sympathy for you and yours. I will never understand why this happens. <br />
You have a long road back to anything that resembles normal. The therapist and a good spiritual advisor will be of some help, but the final acceptance and resolve must come from understanding and knowledge of what caused this to happen and that there is no blame to bear.<br />
Forgiving is easy, forgetting takes a long, long time.<br />
I interject this because forgiving is a part of healing. What caused this is some type of mental instability, and must be treated as such.<br />
May God give you understanding, guidance, and peace.

what im dealing with is that i finally told my mom at age 28 and she doesnt believe me:( cant believe my dad would do it and i know he did. shes in denial and i feel like ive lost my best friend.

personal holocaust<br />
someone clearly wanted to be sspecial to you and the became very emotional and strived to make sure that you would notice them that brought them immediate gratification even if it wwas hurting you with their every knowledge of it's causing you to realize that you were gooing to become dependant upon their un need to harrass you using some topic you could not bare to obviously not like but it made you do certain things without certainty without freedom of them they've become your boss for everyone to notice but it's not true and iit's not real you have been prayed upon for money and you have fight against this step up and fight to free your child from this worry that in reality is just a tool that is being used by praying on jealousy and using it to walk into your life and family for their advvancement using your stability do your best to ignor this and use your normal scences as your reason to do or don't

I'm so sorry, though somehow my answer seems lame, useless. I wish i could take your suffering adn shut it up in a box, hide it away from you. A distant dream, veiled by happiness and light. If only things like that could be thrown away, into a raging ocean, where they will be tossed and turned and swirled so badly they break, shatter into a million pieces, never to be found or thought of again. But human kinds biggest weakness is dwelling. We churn our memories over and over, until they fall apart and scatter within our mind. looming up over and over at impossible intervals, breaking us and hurting us. Stabbing us with pinpricks so sharp we want to shut them out, break away from the pain. BUt we can't, we just can't because breaking free hurts even more. It is too hard to relinquish something that defines who you are. But sometimes that definition is ghastly, and that's when you wonder if you really want to be alive. But then something happens. You feel love, light warmth and suddenly, your nightmares fade away...

thats deep at this point all u can do is show her lots of love which im sure u do mom

Tragic yet known by others. She is like others but others come from different backgrounds. I wish the best to you and your family.

I know you know this pain. How sad for any person, especially a child, to have to endure and cope with this sort of thing. Thanks, FG. I know you're just a PM away. ((hugs))

I read this My and I wept with your daughter because I feel her pain and your pain as well. I love you and I am here for you . ((hugs))

She was in touch with her own feelings when she wrote this poem. Sadly, she's not able to be fully authentic anymore. Having been the lost and lonely child, she becomes whoever she thinks the other person wants her to be, something that happened over the years following this initial trauma. (It didn't end and sadly still continues.) We did the best we could at the time, I guess, but we were in shock and not operating on all cylinders, I'm sorry to say. :(

Your child sounds like she is very in touch with her own feelings. Something that is often the result of good parenting. And although you would never wish this sort of pain upon anyone Myo, your little girl's poem proves to me that you were doing the best that you could.

Myo xoxo

Faucon, you know pain, too. xoxo ((hugs))

Thanks, frito. I don't think of myself as strong. It's more a question of what choice do I have? You would walk the same as I do, one step at a time, wishing that every step didn't have to carry this sad experience. It changes every part of who you once were. I can only hope my experience can help others along the way should they be faced with similar challenges.

Oh Myo.....I have seen some "broken spirits" and it made me feel so helpless...there was so little I could do....and it always enrages me. It is pure evil on the innocents and it damages everyone it touches.Despite this you go on as a strong woman. I don't know if I could walk in your shoes

It's like a little bit of death every day you survive. A tragic paradox, really.

:-( I see the aftermath too. I can't imagine what it would do to a parent.

Thank you, When. You said it as I feel it..."People who won't ever be who they could have been." For 8 years we had been raising children very different from who we thought they were. Too late, we learned... the damage was done, even to us as parents who had no clue there was any.

Unfortunately, OF, it was the daughter of the"original" perpetrator who acted on many of the young kids in our neighborhood, and that included physical abuse, as well. So who does one blame? The sick man who taught his child these things or the child who was acting on what had been perpetrated upon her? That's where understanding and forgiveness are hard to find, especially when the authorities said they didn't have enough to prosecute, given the answers to their investigations were from young minors. Let the young minors and their families figure it out, is what it boiled down to.

Thanks, lala.. yes, many go under the scanner and sometimes we just don't know.<br />
Annie, yes, she continued to write and now holds a college degree in writing and literature. She writes presentations for an attorney and writes stories for the local newspaper here. <br />
nomisery, you didn't miss anything. I don't share it all that much, but to be fair, l I feel I must explain to a point when I am asked. To put it succinctly, if it helps you understand, all 3 of my children were molested by a trusted neighbor. My two older children kept that secret for 8 years. My youngest was too young to remember.

So much hurt in that poem! I hope she continued to write and share like that. It helps.

If only everyone else lived that way.. :( So many go under the scanner, even those closest to us.

Thanks, lala, my long time EP friend. I learned to never assume that all is right in anyone's world, no matter what they may portray, and if they need help, no matter what happened before, then give it, without judgment or reservation.

I have nothing that will ever comfort you and yours from whatever happened. I can only express my sadness and empathy towards you all. I know sorry will not ever help you overcome this, but I am sorry these things happen to anyone, especially 'good' people.<br />
<br />
x