Release Thy Personal Burdens

To preserve the innocence of a child.

I am going to share something extremely personal to me. It leaves me quite vulnerable but I feel the importance of getting this out there. Speaking to someone about it. I do feel that I need to do more after this story. Something more intensive needs to approach and solve this situation. I am going through those options now as I am writing so hopefully when this is all said and done, I will have some resolution and peace of mind.

My daughter is a beautiful little girl. Not just because she is mine and I love her. Every parent who loves their children see beauty in them. I know I'm under her spell and willing to do anything for her. But she certainly is beautiful. Large brown eyes with extremely long and lush eyelashes that make her look exactly like a perfect little porcelain doll. She's smart, witty, clever, and won't take crap from anyone. She's confident and breaks down into tears when she needs to, she tells me whenever she is hurt or afraid or confused. She's charming. She can make you smile with the most perfect statement and laugh the most outrageous silliest comment you have ever heard. She has this absurd monty pythonish humor that very few people can get so sometimes we just share that with each other. We laugh so hard sometimes tears come out of our eyes.

Because I love her, I do anything to make sure her home is her sanctuary, her place of solace, her retreat. We argue and fight but we always talk it through. We always let our love for each other be our governing rule. That no matter what, we will understand each other instead of proving each other wrong or bossing each other around. She's such a young little girl but I value her opinions and respect them.

I have been on so many sides of the spectrum with my marriage. I am tired of it being a problem. I am sad that the relationship I work so hard to maintain with my daughter, the integrity of which I not only cherish but nurture, that I am unable to accomplish that with my husband.

Above all else, he is her father. Sometimes he really acts like her dad. He sits with her on his lap, talks with her about things, and really tries to be there in her life. He'll drop anything he's doing to take her to the doctor or come home when she is sick. He actually does go to her level and talks softly with her, cares for her.

But the long line of family mental illness. It really breaks me. It really breaks my heart to see him, out of no where, have break outs of regressed trauma, paranoia, and ptsd episodes. A man that would otherwise be very emotional and compassionate had things happen for over twenty, almost thirty years that would break any human being. Things that would destroy a person's spirit and will. Both sides of his family have long standing issues that are emotionally and many times psychically crippling. Not only that, but a series of traumatic events occurred at a rapid pace. One after the other. While I understand what he is going through, it breaks my heart because these episodes are done in front of my daughter. For the most part they are maintained to have preventative measures to keep it out of the house, away from the children. But occasionally one episode comes a leaf that slipped through the door when it was opened. Or maybe like a poisonous spider that slips through the cracks.

During these episodes, no matter how much I attempt to see the signs and spare what sanity we have left, he will go into absolute denial of anything that is going on until it is too late. I work hard, even pray for our family. To keep us together. Keep us in love and compassion and harmony under the same roof. Once he is gone, he is gone. He thinks if he denies it then it doesn't exist. He is tortured because he is having a great day with us, having fun, laughing and playing with all of us and it strikes like an unexpected atom bomb. It will start simple like he hurt his back picking up something wrong and begin to remember the violence he went through as a child. He goes through some sort of muscle memory attached to extreme dysfunctional emotional trauma. No matter who tries to calm him down, he feels assaulted, angry, unforgiving. He is unable to be reached at that point. Trapped inside his mind. We have gotten help and seen improvement. Yes, he has gotten help. Yes there has been some success. Breakthroughs. Light at the end of the tunnel. Embracing the warmth of the sun on your skin. Absolute joy and happiness. He has gotten to the point of being able to talk through these events and overcome them. It is only when he is in denial that anything is going on that it slips away.

I try to talk him down. Tell him that yes, what happened to him was bad. But he is safe. No one is going to hurt him. But it is too late, he is already mentally gone. So I do my best to secure our home. My daughter rests and sleeps. She plays and she explores the world. She talks through whatever stress she has seen. She learns to understand and cope. We have no secrets and I have no want to expose my child to any sort of emotional burdens we have. I do what I can with what I got and I attempt to tell her what she needs to know to cope. It's a hard balance. Knowing that there are things the adults need to just stop and work out because it's stressful for the kids to see and realizing that you can't keep your children sheltered, ignorant...because when she sees me alone in a room trying to compose myself and I am sad...she knows.

But these things happen. These abnormal events. These things happen and it hurts me to see this happen.

My daughter knows my heart is heavy. My daughter knows that I have done my best to make sure she is thriving and that whatever decision I make is the best decision for our family. But my heart breaks...because I know...her heart hurts too. Some days I feel like we are on the same side of the spectrum. We love him and know he is carrying a burden he should release himself from. Other days I thank god he is not doing to her what he does to me. I fight when he takes his life's stresses out on me. I stop it and distance myself. But it hurts. He is so angry at the world. He hates. And it hurts. She knows that when he is like that that "daddy keeps secrets inside and they make him sad..." "His mommy was mean and hurt him so it makes him angry" and she also knows, "you don't have to be mean to others just because you are have to calm it to me...and then it will be ok...because I love you."

Part of me thinks she is listening to how I talk to him and learning. But the other part of me is sad because she also knows there are times he "doesn't stop". He doesn't stop feeling sad or upset or paranoid that everyone is out to get him. She is able to come to him and tell him that she doesn't like it when he doesn't stop. He listens. He understands. He tells her that she is right. That he should stop and that it hurts when he doesn't.

My heart breaks because she has to go through this. I am blessed that her spirit is strong and she is learning instead of crumbling because of how difficult things can get. I feel fortunate that I have a daughter that is so emotionally intelligent but I am sorry that her parents can't get their acts together enough. I think sometimes we do. Sometimes we show her the best of things...when the spirit endures...when love prevails...but I can't help but feel so much sorrow that she...I can't explain it...I am just very sad. Because I wish she had better. I want to do better for her. It seems like she's the force that drives me towards doing better in my life. I just feel so extremely sad when it sets back like this.

Tekkamaki Tekkamaki
16 Responses Mar 1, 2010

Uno, lol! Maybe I weened her too late? O_o<br />
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aeth3r, thank you!

I don't have any advice or insight, just wanted to say I think you're a terrific mother.

Oh, wait, I think I remember this one. I believe the quote was "I think all women should have big boobs like mommy." Hehe. At least the kid knows what he wants. <br />
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I can't wait to have a little boy, although, tek seems to have a daughter with a boob fascination. Maybe I shouldn't have weaned boon so young.

Huh, that could be aaaaanything. I will just blush with you then. Ha ha!

LOL!! I have a story that is too extraordinarily embarrassing to share here. Just blush with me, and be done with it. They just don't stop talking, do they? Sheesh. I have my own embarrassing stories. : ( We were watching Coraline the other day and my daughter screams, "Oh my God! Those are big boobies!" Then, "Look those are her big nipples. AHHAHAHAHAHA!" When I asked her what was up with it, she goes, "HA HA HA! Daddy loves your boobs and he squeezes them." OMG! O_O<br />
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Like that was a passing thing when we were walking past each other and I did not think she was even watching. I keep telling her to keep her fascination with boobs to herself but she screams so loud in the store. "Look Mami were passing the nipple covers!" "Those are bras dear and we don't announce that to the entire world. We say that quietly to ourselves" Whispers "ok mami, those nipple covers are bras...but they are not underwear. You wear underwear on your butt.HA HA HA! I SAID BUTT!"<br />
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It goes on and on and on...

Hah!!! I sooooo did not teach him that! He did it all by himself. I just had to deal with the repercussions.

Whoops, missed the two comments ahead of Glows. <br />
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Lilt, she's three. Thinks like a seven year old though. <br />
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keyboardnme - oh that girl is a charmer alright. ; ) I will pass the love on though. : ) for thought! I say- whole family. But not in appearance only. But in complete authentic love and compassion. I am sure they get that Glow, I can feel that your children are learning and growing as you are. You teach them so much...even how to make anatomically correct valentines heart men, lol...had to put that in there. ; )

Oh Tekk. I can relate so strongly to this (as usual.)<br />
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I understand how torn you are. What do you do? Keep the family together so the girls have a "whole" family, or move to someplace that they can flourish without the tension.<br />
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I've been there for a while now. I have to hope that they can get that mommy is stable. That daddy loves them. That life doesn't have to be so hard. That they can learn tolerance and respect from the life that they have.<br />
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I think this falls into the category that every life has pain and suffering, and that we can't protect them from everything. <br />
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You're an amazing mom. And I know that you'll think everything you do for her and your new one through before you make decisions about them. They have that love and respect from you, and that's something that a lot of kids don't have. <br />
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Yes you are right, she knows what is best for her, <br />
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Well, May be i was short in explaining. Or may be you already have got the message but still i think i must say.....<br />
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that you are so beautiful and darling kid of your parents, whereever they are they expect you too to cope, solve, endure. Out of your efforts will reflect the required confidence. <br />
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Telling the kid her the past will definitely comfort her, no doubt, but her parents enacting the confidence today (in present) will empower her. We have a responsibility to be the ideal. Lets act our part and wait for the miracle.<br />
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may be most of things i say are already known to you, but i just cant stop telling.... i just love this kid of yours. Tell her somebody other than her parents loves her too.

There is a lot of stuff going on here, Tekka. How old is your daughter?

keyboardnme - Thank you. There are many great points you've said that I've simply forgotten and need to remember. And some interesting new points too, so thank you for that! I definitely agree that if her parents can't fix it, she should be given the tools to cope, solve, endure, thrive. Yeah! The interesting part is she was born through an unnecessary "emergency" c-section but I tell her the story of what I remember. She was fighting to go her way. Fighting the doctors. She wanted to do it how she felt was best. She knew what was best even though she was being pulled the other way. I tell her that when she's having a tough time. She throughly enjoys that story. The symbolism still works. : )

We are a human and humans have problems. Period. <br />
The most oblivious way to feel comfortable while solving a seemingly complicated problem is to find pity. We seek pity by crying, weeping, sharing our perspective and justifying it. It does comfort us, no doubt, but it doesn’t help us. <br />
This being understood, we have no choice but to make the only choice that is to remain confident and stop justifying our situation vis-à-vis gaining pity. We are not programmed to fear anything. Some past -ve experience sub-consciously make us full of fear. You are strong, and so is our little angle born through you. Let her learn through her life, just as you yourself are learning, <br />
At your will, will the problem solve, fear not anything, tell her the same and remind urself the same. Have that confidence and be the ideal, then will she too gain the confidence, confidence on her parents, on herself, her genes. This is the only way you can help your child by setting an example by your actions.<br />
Lets do the trick, if we cant solve her problem, lets give her what it takes to tackle the problem. <br />
Go out there, continue to do what you have been doing, you are doing great. Results will follow. <br />
There was milk for her even before she was born, but only if she pushes herself out of the womb. There will be, in fact, there is success written for her, and for you, and for us all, but first let push us out of the problem.<br />
Be human that is the only prayer. Nothing more is expected.

Thank you for your comments, they are so insightful, passionate, and have some excellent advice. I want to say more and touch on everything that's really great. I could say tons! But could I just say a heartfelt thank you?

It sounds like you have an amazing, perceptive, intelligent child. Every mother wants to protect their children, and every parent secretly hopes to remain unflawed in the eyes of their children for as long as possible. Keep her safe from physical or verbal abuse, but don't tether her ability to love her father unconditionally. It takes a lot of bravery to face ptsd and to recover, and it's always a slower process than you want it to be. Try to be proud of him. It sounds like he's doing everything he can not to repeat the past with his own children. My heart goes out to all three of you, and I sincerely hope for the best for your family.