I Hate Autism
I posted part of this as a comment in someone else's story but feel that it deserves to be a story in it's own right.
I have a 13 year old daughter who is on the spectrum. She is on the higher functioning end, but every day is still a challenge for both of us. I love my child dearly and I accept her autism, but I would do anything to make it go away.
I hate what it does to her, how it causes her to behave and the things it make her feel and say and do. I hate being unable to reach her and I hate the way her autism has defined our relationship. I hate what it has taken from us and what it will continue to take from her every day of her life. I hate seeing her excluded from the things that other kids do, isolated and friendless because people can't seem to get beyond her quirky behavior. I hate the rages that torment her, she understands that she is different, but doesn't have the ability to change it. Her frustration gets worse as she gets older.
It's hard, I see brief glimpses of the person who could have been locked inside the label and I can do nothing to reach her. She is trapped in her own world, unable to think or express her feelings the way other people can and she doesn't understand why. I hate the lost potential most of all, I see her intelligence but she is unable to express it in a meaningful way so people assume she is stupid. She doesn't learn from her mistakes, consequences have no meaning to her. She will repeat the same negative behaviors over and over again, expecting things to work out differently and it angers her when she gets the same results. Her working memory is poor and she lacks social skills, it's a struggle for her to do the things that most people take for granted.
She is now in her early teen years and I can't help but wonder what the future holds for her. It frightens me. What is to become of her when I can no longer care for her? I love my child and accept the way she is, but I wish I could make her autism go away, make life easier for her somehow. The rest of the world see her as being broken and they tend to write her off without taking the time to get to know her, to help her reach her potential. If a cure was available for autism I would move mountains to see that my daughter got the benefit of it.
Autism sucks, no matter how you look at it.