I Don't Know Where My Daughter Went

Background - my daughter has stage 4 breast cancer. Last year, May 3rd she was flown out of Europe and I picked her up at the airport. First, the double mastectomy and removal of 13 lymph nodes (4 of which were cancerous). The cancer (HER2 and Estrogen based) was within mm of her ribs. She has now completed chemotherapy and radiation. Hyperbaric treatments. Next week, she is having reconstructive breast surgery.

I feel my daughter. I am intensely aware of her moods and emotions and desperation. At times, I have had to physically distance myself from her. It scares the crap out of me to go there and be with her while she is so incredibly freaked out. Last year, when she was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer, she was so hostile to me that I finally had to leave. I left her there alone because of the open hostility. Hate with no explanation. No, I wasn't imagining it.

I finally left because a stranger in a cancer meeting pulled me aside and told me to go, leave, and to not come back for a while. This stranger ( a colonel) was concerned about me, I guess. Or maybe that my daughter was so angry with me that it was best that I leave. Best for her. Anyway, I left my daughter sitting on the curb at the hospital because she refused to get in the car, refused to talk to me, and looked at me like I was a hated stranger. Worse.

I talked to the nurse in the department and she told me "they always lash out at the ones they love the most". That is well and good, but I had been the whipping post for months.

And something inside me died, I think.

And every night and day, my daughter told me that she was going to kill herself. She wouldn't talk to me except to tell me that. In a last ditch effort, I told her doctor about the depression and asked that THEY talk to her. Or that they find someone who she would talk to. I was and am against chemotherapy, still riding the fence on taking a life.

I still do not know why she did that to me. I have asked her and she won't tell me. I must have done something so terrible to her and I don't even know what it was.

Once, a few months ago, she told me she was sorry  but it was like someone checking off a 'to do' list from a 12 step program.

My daughter has just a short while to live. I have tried over and over to be there for her. I went to her every time she had chemo and stayed with her until she could drink water again. Days each time. I have tried to comfort her. I would like to spend what time she has knowing her and letting her know that I love her.

I don't know how to get past that wall. I don't know where my daughter went.

AlisaK AlisaK
46-50, F
4 Responses Sep 23, 2011

please give your daughter two videos - the Gerson miracle and Dying to Know
It will save her life to do this therapy, no matter how far she is at her illness
You have only to gain

Wow, what a really difficult road you have to walk. How is your daughter and how are you. This was written a while ago. Really concerned about both of you.

How are you holding up? I can't imagine what that must be like for you. I hope things have at least gotten better if that's at all possible. Take care of yourself.

How's your daughter?