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I Am So Scared And Alone

My marriage is about to end and there is a million things running through my mind.  I have to talk to an attorney this week and find out what it will cost me and what will happen.  I have no idea what to expect and it is scaring me.  I am so broken and insecure and I am hoping I can survive this battle without too many battle wounds.  He is the only man that I ever dated.  I was 16 and he was my first date.  I thought there was something wrong with me, so when he asked I was thrilled.  Of course we all make mistakes.  I kept resisting his advances until maybe our 5th or 6th date when he gave he alcohol and once drunk, he promised to use a condom.  He did use condoms but he never told me about how many times they broke.  I ended up pregnant and married to my first date.  I really wish I could have had the opportunity to meet other guys and experienced life more then I have. I have missed out on soo much and I hope now maybe I will have the opportunity to do some of the things I will never get to do as long as I am here.  People ask how can you end a marriage after 36 years?  Try living in all the abuse I have and you will understand.  Honestly out of 36 years I would have to say I am lucky if 2 years of it were happy.  I spent 7 or 8 years healing my wounds from the physical abuse he inflicted on me.  The hospital probably has a very fat file on me.  I was always having to go to the hospital for injuries, they probably thought I was the biggest air head around.  How can one women get hurt so much and almost every weekend.  Just unreal.  Now I heal my wounds from the verbal abuse I receive daily.  I feel like I am the ugliest, most useless person on the face of the earth.  He might say 1 nice thing in the hundreds of bad things he says about me.  Everyday when I come home and he starts in, I can feel my heart die more.  I don't know if I could take much more of this abuse before I really do die.  I need for this to be over as quick as possible so I can start healing before it is too late.  All I ever wanted from him was to be loved, instead I was crushed and destroyed.  Here's to the future, may it be brighter!
teri58 teri58 51-55, F 7 Responses Jan 8, 2012

Your Response


Teri, you go girl! You can do this! I have suffered emotional and verbal abuse, although not the physical abuse. I am amazed no one at the hospital ever stepped up about your many visits. <br />
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This is hard to do, leaving him. He wants you to think that you cannot survive without him. But you can! And you are in a prime position now to do this! Your children are grown and gone, presumably. You have been taking care of others your whole adult life. It is time to put that energy into taking care of yourself. And the first step in that is to move out. Just picture yourself in your own place - how good you will feel - taking care of yourself! It makes me smile thinking about you!

I want this so bad and I am hoping if I can do this, it will encourage other women in my position to find their way out too! I love the excitement in your message, it helps me feel better about what I am doing! Thanks so much!!!!

I don't know why a male not a man in my book OK Would treat someone that has said yes to be his life time partner like this. I'm not a expert but have seen it alot. <br />
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Do you think it's because if they keep you down no one will want you. You know call you names that away all your self confidence. If no body wants you you will have to stay with him. Not if I can help it. We going to get though this.<br />
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I HATE males that hit ladies.

Commmoner, thank you! I have to agree with you. A man that hits a woman is just a low life. There is no excuse for that type of behavior.

You REALLY need to get out and reclaim yourself. It will all be better for you from here on out. Nothing can be worse than physical and emotional abuse. You will move on and build a life for yourself one in which you are happy and secure alone than to that you can add a man that can treat you right. Some one you don't need but simply want, someone that enhances your wonderful life. Stay strong best of luck to you

sweetnfeisty, thanks so much! It is starting to get a little less scary with each comment I get. It is noce to know that there is so much support out here. This will make my journey easier.

I'm with you on this Teri. The future has to be brighter, because it can't be more dismal than the past. You now have the potential for better things to come into your life, but I understand the uncertainty. If I were in your shoes, I would probably feel the exact same way. Who knows? Maybe one day I'll find myself in your shoes. When it comes to life, one can't rule out anything. But the prospect of no more abuse for you, physical or verbal, is a step in the right direction in and of itself. Just keep pressing on.

Thanks m00nmeister, it means a lot to me to have you behind me. This is really scaring me but I know I have to do this or I m going to lose my mind or amybe even my life. Time to put this marriage behind me and move on! We will see what the attorney has to say, I hope it is good. Thanks for being such a good friend. Best wishes to you in your venture too!

Teri-<br />
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This is actually great news. Your job now is to rebuild your self-esteem. You never really found it because you were married so young to an abusive man. It's hard to grow up properly under those circumstances.<br />
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You are on the verge of an amazing experience. It's long overdue and it will be fine. Focus on making yourself feel great physically and that will spill over into the emotional place. You are stong; you are beautiful; and the universe has smiled on you. Don't look back anymore except to see and appreciate how far you've come and pat yourself on the back for your perseverence and strength.<br />
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Godspeed to you.

Awww morningteatime, Thanks so much! You just gave me a lot of hope and courage. I hope I can do this and I am sure with all the support here on ep I will.

Good luck to you in your fresh start. I know you have a lot of stress but this breakup is surely the best thing that could happen to you. You must be incredibly strong to have endured what you did. If you feel inclined, once things have settled in your life, you could probably help other women who are going through the same thing as you, either by speaking or writing about your experience. But if I were you I would just take things one step at a time and ease into your new life without allowing it to overwhelm you. I hope the future holds fresh air and sunshine for you.

Bluetraveler, I really appreciate the comforting words. They help me feel stronger and hopefully all the encouragement I get here on ep will help me get through this. I am ready to take back my life and live for me!

Good on you for leaving. I am amazed you put up with that for so long. I wish you all the best and Im sure you will find the strength to move on.

jkw Thank you soo much. I really hope you are right. I need to find the strength to just get this over with and move on to happier days.