Here I Go...

so i met my bf when we were in high school... at the time i was kind of messed up and so was he, when we would have free periods we would sit there talking to eachother, at lunch we would sit next to eachother, we had the best conversations. but we were both too shy to say hey you wana chill? then a little while before hs ended i thought i fell in love with this other guy. this other guy was a real piece of work, he was abusive, mentally, emotionally, physically. after a few months together i made an effort to leave my abusive bf. in the time i tried to leave him, i started talking to my bf now again, we got together, and he was good to me and kind, but the thing is is that i was brainwashed by my abusive guy to think that no one else could put up with me. i was scared that my good guy would find out that i didn't deserve him, or so i thought at the time. when i was at his house and my crazy guy called me and told me he loved me and wanted to marry me i went along with it, dumped my good guy, because i was scared to be alone, i was scared my good guy would leave me, i thought i didn't deserve a guy so good. i stayed with my abusive bf for three and a half years, during that time he repeatedly attempted to kill me, made me get rid of all my friends, he was a compulsive liar, and we ended up homeless because of things he did and convinced me to do (we weren't on drugs, i know that is what everyone thinks of everyone who has been homeless, i mean we smoked weed alot but that didn't have anything to do with it, he made up lies to get me to come and live at his dads house with him, and i went along with them because i was brainwashed, i wasn't supposed to be there, cause his dad caught him trying to strangle me to death and was afraid if we were together his son would kill me and go to prison, so he snuck me in there we got caught and kicked out), finally i moved away from him with some help from my grandparents, but i wouldn't leave him i just had a long distance relationship with him, but the distance, the time apart gave the brainwashing time to wear off, i started to talk to one of my old friends, and building my mental resistance and i finally left him, i became ok with being alone, i had in fact decided that i was no longer going to have relationships, only meaningless sex and partying, i liked it that way. meanwhile, the way it was explained to me was that he too was on a search not to be alone, during that time he met a girl that he thought would not leave him, they got married when he was in no mental state to do a thing like that. after he got a little better he was like wtf did i do, but he married her so he tried to make it work, cause he is a good guy.  i started to have guys be interested in being my bf, they were better than the guys before but they were still *****, and i wasn't about to put up with that **** anymore so they got dumped. when that was going on i became friends with him again, and i also started to become friends with his wife. we would hang out  and i would have invasive thoughts about liking him, but he was married, so i pushed those thoughts away, i even decided because of the way i dumped him before that even if that marriage crashed and burned i would never say anything, i would be happy just to have him in my life. then he said he was getting a divorce, and then things got tense at his house, so he started to come to my house to hang out alot, one thing led to another and we slept together,i didn't want her to know, even though it was over between them i just wanted them to be divorced before she found out, but he wanted to tell her, not to be mean but because she wasn't accepting that he really was not in love with her and did not want to be her husband, so he agreed to not just come out and tell her, but when she asked him what he did at my house he told her, then the drama ramped up and he asked her to move out, she did, but they are still legally married and everyone judges us and treats us like we are doing something wrong cus he signed a peice of paper while he was mentally unstable. it hurts alot because this is the first time i have ever been in love, he is so good to me, he cares about me and my well being, he is sweet to me when we have sex, he's not rough with me he doesn't call me names, he is the first person i ever liked kissing, i truly care about his happiness, we can communicate so well with eachother, we have had things that we had to talk about before but never an argument, he is my equal,and most importantly i love and like and want him, i don't need him to feel whole. we are both truly in love for the first time and it makes me feel like **** that everyone is judging us and making us feel like we are wrong for it... well he doesn't feel wrong for it, he tells me it doesn't matter what anyone says, what matters is that we love eachother  and i guess he is right.
indica21 indica21
22-25, F
1 Response May 8, 2012

the best way is to have a legal relationship and to do that the best way is ask his divorce finalize and then settle down and get marriage afterwards,it would be best if you both be accpeted as man and wife than to wait more years that will end up splitting or break up because no solid foundation between you and your bf now,so ask him to marry you and to do the divorce settlement done.