Don't call me a saint because I'm twice as f*cked as you are. My thoughts are unhealthy, I want to save the world/destroy it. I verge on a mixture of narcissistic and self-destructive tendencies so please don't even start to try to look inside. I feel guilty all the time for everything I haven't done, and others make me feel guilty for the things I have, so, I can't win and never will. I'm nice to girls but they've been the worst to me. No matter how many times I help them, they'll still stab me in the back and call me a bxtch. I try my fxcking best every single day to be nice but at the end of the day I really don't want to be, I want to shut it out and enter complete darkness. I'm not happy. I'm sorry. I want to be loved like everyone else but then I'm afraid they'll leave me and then I backtrack and run like a coward and I'm sorry. I love everyone, I really do, but it's so disappointing when people you don't even know brand you as a whxre, bxtch, make fun of your social anxiety, call you cruel and are as hypocritical as they come. And don't be surprised, when I walk around, looking so empty, with a frown, when that's how society's painted me.
I wish I could be different. I do. But, it's not like I can show my scars in everyone's face and say, "Look what you've done to me." Because for every single mental, physical scar there's someone who's made me smile and stopped me from cutting because I know they cared. And I'm sorry I can't live as well as you want me to, because I care too much as a whole and I want things to be better, and I don't want the world to feel bad. I want everything to be better and maybe, maybe it'll be worthwhile someday, pretending to be stupid so you can hate me, never sticking up for myself and posting it all--on some silly website, for years and years, never telling anyone how I feel. It's better, if I go through it alone. It's better, if no one ever knows. But what is this? A cry for help? Perhaps I am hypocritical, awful, and cruel, in that I hide, not wanting anyone else to. And there is still, so much, that I can never post, that I'll always have to hide.
-S
Fuzzies Fuzzies
61-65, M
1 Response Apr 20, 2016

you are human and humanity collectively is evil. it's only on our own we can be of a higher nature. enjoy your times in solitude, and own being the ***** they think you are out there.