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bad relationship with mother

Before I start, I'm going to state that I am not just being a rebelious teenage with the idea that "My Parents Are The Worst!". I am posting this because my situation is not normal for a mother/daughter relationship, and I ned advice on how to correct the situation. I am what you call "a door mat". I don't really stand up for myself that often because I am afriad of conflict. I allow others to trample over me before I can defend my case. I do things that I don't really want to do just to avoid a fight. To put it simple, I'm not really assertive at all. My other, on the other hand, is the complete opposite. she is OVER assertive and treats everyone in the house hold like we are her slaves. She won't let anyone get a word in before she stops them and puts in her two cents worth. Ever since I was a kid, I was always doing things for her that someone of that age shouldn't have to do. My mother is severly overweight, and has always been on the heavy side. so her feet are always swollen from walking (even though she does very little of it). I think I was four or younger when she started making my brother and I rub her feet almost on a nightly basies. (sorry for any of my spellng, I'm terrible with it) I learned how to cook simple dishes in kindergarden due to the fact she would be "too busy" to cook for us. (Just stuff like a grilled cheese or something) As I grew older, I thought that this behavior would die down, so I never said anything about it. But I couldn't of been more wrong. It ust kept getting worse and worse to the point that she doesn't do anything for herself. She can't walk 5 feet to the kitchen to get her own drink, or do her own laundry. (I Think the last time she was in the kitchen was last december, and hasn't went downstairs in almost two years) Granted she has some health problems, but that doen't stop her from doing things on her own. I recently made up a list of all the things she tends to do almost a daily basies: -Always wants everything Her way, and if she doesn't get it, she takes it out on EVERYONE -We get in trouble if we tell her No or Not Now -Pouts when she doesn't get her way -Uses everyone as her slave -ALWAYS having to rub her feet/back/neck, and won't return the favor -When I say I have homework, she calls me several times to do things for her -can never just leave people alone -ALWAYS wanting attention -no one can sleep in, cause when she wakes up, EVERYONE wakes up -Her way, or the highway -Easily jealous -Happy one minutes, Pissed off/upset the next -If she doesn’t like it, then it's "stupid" -Never thinking anyone can change -always coming up with demeaning nick-names for my fiancé: "namey-poo" -I'm 18 years old yet she treats me like 12 (I.E. having to ask to go out anywhere. Basic rules for a 12 y.o) -Treating EVERYONE as a kid (including dad) -Taking everyones money -Using Everyone elses name under the electric/water/phone bill/mortgage -Taking financial aid -Screwing up my credit, by being late on bills that were under MY name -Put my name under the bills even when I was a minor -complaining that she has a harder job than me (She works behind a desk, I work in a warehouse on the dock. Dangerous conditions) -Lied about my age, just to put electric under my name -Major trust issues -won't leave me alone when I ask to be left alone Just to name a few, but there is plenty more. I can never get anything across to her because she does not listen to me or anyone. You know someone is too controling when their husband of 1 and a half years (My step-dad) Doesn't care if she left him, cause she treats him like dirt too. What can I do to break away from her? I'm trying to move out by december 18th and I haven't even told her because I'm terrified of what she would do to sabatoge it. Help?
pandapandora pandapandora 18-21, F 5 Responses Nov 11, 2009

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I am 43 and also moved out when I was 18. In fact, I left home during their absence and never returned and did not speak to them for over 15 years. <br />
Then I decided to contact my mom, since my dad was the abusive one when I grew up, and we have been trying to establish a relationship. Sad to say, it isn't working, and it never will. I now regret that I ever made that phone call and let them back into my life. I am educated and successful (physician), and I happen to be divorced. Last week she called me and criticized everything about me, my home is not good enough, the fact that I have a dog, the number of my books (yes, I have a lot, but I have an office) , my home decoration, and told me that at my age no normal and decent woman would want to date me. I have no clue what brought all that on, and why it got so personal. I know that she doesn't like dogs, but to call me not normal for having one? <br />
They were not at any of my graduations and have never said as much as that they are proud of my accomplishments, which, by the way, were financed by my own work, by grants, and by student loans. <br />
At this point, I am wondering if she is having some mental or emotional problems. <br />
Anyway...it took me a while to become a happy and confident person, and I won't let her take that away from me.

I am 50 years old, and today, after 50 years of the same treatment, I am letting my mum leave my house. She is killing me slowly... our relationship is so toxic, I cannot take it anymore. I am going through a rough time, as my husband left two and a half years ago, but divorce is just coming on my initiative because he does not want to part with his money. I am a professor in a college going for tenure, as well, and these situations are stressful. My mother has lived with me for some years now, but since my husband left it's like she has understood that now she has the control. She punished me severely physically when I was a child, so two or three times she has come to me with a raised fist. I stood my ground and she did not go through with it, thank goodness, but this has left me in a state of shock. My mother has never worked and I take care of all her expenses since I was about 18. She does not respect me at all as a person. She told me that my divorce was my fault because I am a bad person, and I will die alone because I am a bad person, never mind that my husband left because he found someone else. I am so tired of my mother, she has pushed me contemplate suicide on occasion, but I have stopped because I know this is not fair.

Hi. I'm glad you are out of the house now. Try to focus on the ways this experience has made you stronger. <br />
<br />
I have a similar situation and I am thankful for my experiences because I know that I will never be anything like my mother to my kids. I am 27 and still live with my mother and father. I still do foot rubs for her and she treats me like a 12-year old. I have been getting straight A's all throughout high school and university and now I am taking a course at a career college and won't let me see my boyfriend more that once a week because she thinks I don't have time for it. She won't trust me even thought I've never done anything bad or rebellious in my whole life. I have been her private counselor since I can remember, helping her with all her problems with my dad. I cook for the family all the time and I genuinely try to bring my family together by organizing activities. She is so depressed and stressed all the time and it is bringing me and my dad down so much. Her control over me is threatening my relationship with my boyfriend too. I get so mad sometimes. I don't want to burden my boyfriend with this anymore so I take it out on myself. I have panic attacks where I scratch my face and hit myself. I even jumped in the frozen river once. I just feel so alone and like there is no way out. I am glad I found this site to share this experience. Hearing other stories like yours is giving me some much-need strength.<br />
Thank you.

I'm already moved out. I was out in december and have not spoken with her since

some difficult people out there really need some counselling from someone they respect and fear. does your mum treat her mum like this in her youth? or did it your grandma do the same to her last time?