I Feel Trapped

Let me tell you my story and a bit of hers. My mother left her mother to live in a whole different country when she was a teenager. Soon after wards she married herself to an abusive husband and gave birth to 5 children. My parents’ relationship was not a pleasant one to say the least. They will filled with nasty insults towards my father, physical abusive inflicted to my mother, and consistent police visits. After the fifth child my father left and my mother was left to take care of us. My mother let off all her steam and anger dimissing us children calling us stupid, and bellittling us really in general. The oldest child was my sister who was diagnosed with severe depression, and then diagnosed with schizophrenia. Yes, she went crazy. After all she was the oldest child and she had to endure the mental and emotional abuse the longest. Myself, I’m the second oldest child barely keeping my sanity. When I was younger I always felt sorry for my mother because she was a victim of abuse, but soon I saw after awhile I realized after a long agonizing period filled with patience–I listened quietly to all my mother’s rants, took my mother side in everything she said, etc etc. I realized that this was a took to control those around her, emotionally physically everything. Her problems are really taking over my life. She makes me feel guilty when I even work, I work now and she make me feel guilty when I spend money on myself! I’m 18 and in post-secondary school now btw right now. Its a wonder thats I survived until now. She still insults me and my worth as a person. I feel like now since i’m older and can understand that my life was never really my own, I feel really depressed and I go through panic attacks. I used to cry all the time, my now I just sit numb and just take it all in and feel numb when my mother insults me once again. I feel like I lost apart of me. Its affecting my school, and I plain don’t trust anyone. Yes, suicide has been running through my mind a lot lately, it looks like it’s going to be my only way out. Financially, I know that I won’t be able to move out till I’m done school–thats alright I guess I lasted 18 years, 3 more won’t hurt. Even now though, when I hint to my mom that I’m not always going to be with her and she makes me feel the i’m the worst girl in the world and tells me that I’ve changed and tells me that I won’t be a good example on my siblings if I go through with moving out. She says I’ll be betraying my sister who has schizoprenia and herself, because her husband left her. Like seriously guys what do I do?? My life is really over, if I give in to her, I live with this abuse for life. And if I leave — I’d be betraying her. She already talks shi* about me anyways to her friends, I don’t know, I’m really confused. And no she won’t go to counselling, yeah right, its my mom i’m talking about. Help?

mystory91 mystory91
18-21, F
3 Responses Feb 16, 2010

It might be a good idea to see a counsellor on a regular basis to help you get through the rest of the time you have to live with your mother.
You owe it to yourself to seek some support because you're in a toxic environment and you are becoming ill because of it. They can also help you with coping strategies and help take the steam off. Also they can help you plan for your life after you've moved out.

My mother does the same thing and now I'm pregnant so it's even worst she even hit me in my stomach today smh I honestly don't know where to turn to..

You won't be "betraying" her. You have to get out of that situation as soon as you possibly can. I lived with an abusive, narcissistic mother and it took me many years after I moved out to finally realize she was ruining my life and I had to cut her off. It is a difficult thing to do and she will rant and go into tirades to make you stay and put guilt on you but you HAVE to stand strong and don't back down or she will pull you down into the pit with her. You aren't betraying your sister or your yonger siblings either. You are saving yourself and your sanity. If you let her drag you down to her level how would you help your younger siblings when they are being abused by her? Someone needs to break the cycle and stop your mother from feeding off of her children. I know, I have been through this and it's difficult but you can do it. Best wishes and blessings to you, Giggles