Let me start out by giving everyone my background. At a very young age, my parents got divorced. My mom remarried when I was 4. Things were fine until my stepfather became increasingly abusive over time. Both physically and mentally. I've been moved from town to town and school to new school because he would abuse my mother and I only for her to go straight back to him and put my sister and I through it again. There was once a time where i would stand up for her and take his abuse just to keep her out of harm, but I eventually stopped after she began to turn on me and justify his actions. I've been thrown down stairs, gotten my head slammed in a door, called every name in the book, told I will never be his kid, and for most of my childhood, would get screamed at for basically breathing when my mom would leave us alone with him. He has beaten my mom countless times, called her every name in the book, cheated, and has thrown her out of a moving vehicle just for her to take him back almost immediately and either blame herself or me for all their altercations. I began to resent my mom for continuously putting my sister and i through this and thought she was extremely selfish. I was always ignored and dehumanized, which caused me to grow extremely fearful in social situations. I grew up believing that nothing I ever said mattered so, as a result, I'm reserved and quite bashful around people, which i hate about myself. I grew up never really having friends in fear that they would see how i live and reject me. I've tried getting help and after countless times of being told I'm faking it for attention by both my stepfather and my mother, I became silent and started to resort to self harm and drug use to cope with the hurt. My mother eventually found out about that and instead of trying to help me, deems me the scum of the earth for it even though she's always been a raging alcoholic. I remained living with them up until mother's day of 2013. Beligerently drunk, my step father began to scream and beat on my mother as she was sleeping on the couch. I took a stand and went in her defense and his response was to throw a hardcover book at my head, call me a dyke, tell me he hopes I cut my wrists, he hopes I die of cancer and when i do die, he won't be at my funeral. Through all of that, my mother said and did nothing up until i decided enough was enough and started packing my things. I went to live with my grandparents and her and my sister followed me there. After 2 months of living there, I found out she had been seeing him behind my back. I came home one day to find all her and my sister's stuff gone and i later found out she went to go live with him. No goodbyes, no warning. Later, she blamed me for the whole fight, calling me disrespectful and said that if i didnt act the way i did, he wouldn't always be so angry. I felt lost and betrayed and began to hate her so much for making me feel so alone.
Living at my grandparents' house, i don't have much freedom. I'm 18 years old and still have a curfew of 10:30 and even get yelled at for being late when i come home around at the right time. They expect me to strictly work and go to college and live and breathe family. I'm not even allowed to have sleepovers unless i give them a parents' phone number. Even though she left me to fend for myself, pay for college by myself, and deal with my problems by myself, she still tries to dictate every aspect of my life. She scares away every friend of mine that she doesnt like and shuns me for everything i take interest in and so do my grandparents. They're old fashioned italians and dislike the fact that im artistic, have piercings, and am not very religious. I feel so trapped inside my body and every single trait that everyone else loves about me is concealed cause they hate it. They complain that i never communicate with them and that i spend too much time with friends now, but that's only cause my friends accept me for who i am and don't make me feel like an alien. The love is conditional because they will only accept me if i am everything THEY want me to be. They tell me they want Tori to come back but the truth is, they want their version of Tori who hid everything about her to satisfy them to come back.
Recently, my mom and i have been fighting more than usual. When she found out i was smoking pot again, she called me a drug addict ****, a no good piece of ****, and a scumbag. she told my Nana and papa and now they dont even like me anymore. I couldn't handle it anymore and tried overdosing on pills and, in response, my mom called me selfish and laughed in my face. My mom went as low as to take my sister away from me and turn her against me and its just evil and depressing. The other day, my mom came over and demanded i give her my car keys. I refused and told her i need my car for work and school and she told me that wasnt her problem and attacked me for them in my front yard. She was hitting me, scratching me, choking me, holding my head in the ground, and suffocating me and repeatedly told me she wanted to kill me until my papa had to pull her off me. Then she lied and told everyone that i attacked her and made everyone hate me. she later told me im not allowed to call her mom anymore but still insists on telling me what i can and cant do. I got the care switched over in my name and she told me everyone hated me and i should move out and save everyone the trouble, but leaving will mean detaching myself from my whole family and not being welcome there. She told everyone in my family about the pot and the cutting and everyone looks at me as the black sheep, so part of me thinks i should just leave. The other part knows that ill always be looked at as selfish and a **** up and it would hurt deep down to be ostracized from my family. Is it selfish for me to get up and leave without notice? I'm so tired of suppressing bits and pieces of me for approval ill probably never get. I wanna be out expanding my horizons and enjoying life, but they expect me to go to work or school and come straight home and sit in the living room and watch TV all day and its driving me crazy. I feel so much more confident in myself being away from home because my friends love me and think im zany and fun. My mother still comes over here and it gives me anxiety to the point of sickness and i remain cooped up in my room until she leaves. This is such a toxic way to live and i need someone else's input. I already have stuff packed and was going to take everything and get out while theyre not home tomorrow and leave a note. I'd stay with my best friend until her and i can get a place of our own. We're independent contractors and we make a lot of money, so it's not a far fetched idea. Am I wrong for leaving like this?
torriitto torriitto
18-21, F
Aug 22, 2014