I Have a Crazy Family
I ordered several packages of adhesive mustaches from Restoration Hardware for christmas silliness. At my mom's house, with my 2 sisters, our husbands and 6 kids total, we converged for merriment. It was the first time we had all been together in a little over a year. We were all there for one night and day. (not enough time for boredom or insanity to take hold)
So, we all had dinner, poured several glasses of wine and then gathered for the christmas gift exchange. Oh wait, before we get to the gift opening, let me set the stage: we are at our ranch, just outside of Austin, we are dressed casually, all the kids are super-excited to see each other, they are all very close in age, it's a wonderful and happy occasion. Mom has reduced her christmas decorating down from 4 trees to 1 fake tree sitting atop a table and tons of outdoor lighting and decorations. I have not attempted to figure this out, yet. But, it does require mentioning, she usually decorates every single room and the ranch's main house is very large. She has finally, emptied my father's closets of his clothes (remember, he left her 7 years ago this winter! and is living with his accountant that is my age) and has replaced them with a HUGE new wardrobe of her own. She has gained about 20 lbs. which is quite a load for someone 4'11" and then we have her hair... it is very long, like halfway down her back, still big texas bleached platinum and teased, but l.o.n.g.g.g.g.g. This is not a good look for her and a very strange turn of events. So, before gift exchange, we are all gathering around, she has CRANKED UP THE ROCK AND ROLL MUSIC of the 70s (actually I think it was 80s because the 70s were good) and raises one hand in the air, closes her eyes and shakes her head to the beat like a rocker?? Being me, I said the first thought that came into my head (in horror) "HEY GREG ALLMAN, TURN THE MUSIC DOWN". She looked like Greg Allman, jesus christ how did this happen??! I was absolutely beside myself and embarressed for her. So, I repeated my greg allman comment in the hope that she'd shut her act down and fast. She did not. Ok, ffwd to gifts...
Mom has purchased black metal windchimes for each of us, informing my brother in law (he welds as an artist) that "You can make a million dollars on these wind chimes, I bought them to show you". shudder. Obviously, this is ridic. and I'm going to leave it at that. OK, gift thing is over and we are all playing with the mustaches. Everyone in the room has donned a mustache and we are all laughing hysterically and taking pictures. This fun insanity goes on for about ten minutes and then, it's over. As we are cleaning up the wrapping paper mountains, the children are all still playing with the mustaches and taking pics for their facebook pages. The youngest child is 3, it is 9:30pm and he is on circuit overload from the day's festivities. He takes off his stache and is ready for bed. My mother gets the idea that ALL KIDS MUST PUT ON A MUSTACHE AND POSE FOR A PICTURE. Now, mom does not have a camera, so I have no clue as to why she cared about this... but, she did. So, all kids gather round in their staches except for Mason (the 3 year old). He is sitting in the floor with his toys, playing. So, we are all around and mom tries to paste his mustache on his face and he runs and screams from her. She pleads with him to put it on for one more pic of "all the kids". He screams a toddler "no". Mom, then, in front of everyone, threatens him with "MASON IF YOU DON'T PUT THIS MUSTACH ONNNNNN, RIGHTTTTTTTT NOOOOWWWWW (southern drawl) I'M GOING TO TAKE ONE OF YOUR CHRISTMAS GIFTS BACK. silence and horror
She is going to take his gifts back if he doesn't wear a fake mustache?? How bizarre of a threat is this?? The entire rooms goes quiet, everyone starts scurrying away from the center, trying to put some distance between the crazy woman and themselves.
We scurried outside to do fireworks and discuss what had just transpired. We managed to set Koko's pjs on fire, that was our grand finale. The older kids stayed up very late, mowing thru most of the sweets, until about 4am. When we all got up in the morning, we left, abruptly. I did not even see one of my sisters and her family before they left. haha Can you say squealing tires??!
