The Crazy Part (follow Up To:it Happened Right Before My Eyes)

So i left off with me relating the now infamous line of the evil neurologist Dr. Zamora (That's not his real name and he's probably not evil, i'm just saying it that way for dramatic effect):

A note for the reading of this line:  It should be done in a mad scientist type manner of speaking.  Now,  Patrick McGoohan isn't bad here in demonstrating what i mean by that:


Or something more akin to Gene Wilder in Young Frankenstein:


Perhaps with a bit of Colonel Klink added in from Hogan's Heroes for some odd reason...(i'll try and get the video clip for that later... after i get back to Gran's for the third time today...well in a 24 hour period... it's 2 am straight up. And i am outta here...

Of course, the emphasis of these accents and patterns of speech falling squarely on the word Mania

"Do you know what happens when people take too much dopamine? Do you? They get mania"

That's code for crazy, by the way

Ok. i really need to finish this, while it's still fresh in my mind.   

Now, have i told you about the bees? How she told one of the care providers that:

bees flew into her mouth and "nested" in her, turning her bone into honeycomb. And that's what the crunching sound is when she goes to begin moving in the morning or after a long period of being frozen or "off". A state where there has developed an insufficient level of dopamine in her system. Meaning, she's either "off her meds" missing a scheduled dose of Sinemet because she's been too strung out and wasn't paying attention. Or she is already crashed from staying up too long/not enough sleep and simply won't wake up enough to take anything.  The latter, well both, might be the reason in conjunction with a simple principle- about medication or anything really. It's what i call a natural law .  See, i don't care what drug or substance it is. Too much of it leads to that thing being ineffective after awhile. If you eat too many cookies, in a few weeks, a cookie will no longer "do anything" for you.

That would suck... does suck.   i know the example that i'm using is particularly true, from personal experience.

But back to mom. So the bees are taking up residence in her body, right? Actually, she let it be known that the bees have long since gone and just the bone structured into honeycomb remains. Good thing, too. Because apparently there are a whole host of problems within her.

You see, apparently, there is this crew of people who are dredging the small lake next to the house. Which would be ok, i reckon, but they have moved their dredging operation to under the house. Which is causing some real physiological complications to my mother's already fragile state.

Now everyone knows how precious mud is. i mean, you got the water, the dirt, the feces of the various waterfowl, and the behemoth catfish in the la.... did i say "lake" earlier? It's more of a pond, there's a picture of it actually in my profile i believe. Nope. Come to think about it, upon further review, i'm going to have to go with lake , after all.  But now i am dying to know what the difference is between those two respective bodies of water... have to google that

Ok. where was i? Oh yeah:

The term "lake" or "pond" as part of a waterbody name is arbitrary and not based on any specific naming convention. In general, lakes tend to be larger and/or deeper than ponds, but numerous examples exist of "ponds" that are larger and deeper than "lakes." For example, Echo "Lake" in Conway is 14 acres in surface area with a maximum depth of 11 feet, while Island "Pond" in Derry is nearly 500 acres and 80 feet deep. Names for lakes and ponds generally originated from the early settlers living near them, and the use of the terms "lake" and "pond" was completely arbitrary. Many have changed names through the years, often changing from a pond to a lake with no change in size or depth. Often these changes in name were to make the area sound more attractive to perspective home buyers. Examples of ponds that are now called lakes include Mud Pond to Mirror Lake in Canaan, Mosquito Pond to Crystal Lake in Manchester and Dishwater Pond to Mirror Lake in Tuftonboro.

So,with regards to the body of water adjacent to the house my mom and i cohabitate in, it is with great certainty that i can say this:  If at some point, is considered to be a pond and has an unattractive name such as Crap Pond or, or say, Garbage Pond, i will fervently suggest that it be renamed Mirror Lake.

Ok, i just looked at a real estate listing and it's definitely considered a lake.

But a filthy one.... that has to be filtered and dredged somehow to extract the toxins that secretly reside in this quiet, little gated community in Central California. Because that is what they are doing after all....

according to my mom.

The operation goes something like this: (based upon the latest info gathered by my mom)

There is an extraction, of some sorts, going on underneath our house, currently.

my guess is every farmer's friend:  Catfish guano. 

Ok Now, i know the term guano, is usually referred for the nitrogen rich composite of feces and urine produced by seabirds, cave dwelling bats, and seals. But it sounds better than "Catfish Manure". More marketable, in my opinion.

Wait a sec. Scratch that. i have to change my personal theory on what it is they are harvesting from the bottom of the lake  outside my balcony window, er.. the subterranean part that stretches the aquifer under our house, to be precise.  Because if it is Catfish deposits they are going after, then that makes the next part of the story really disgusting.

i mean really, really disgusting. 

So i am going to say they are extracting pharmaceutical drug residue from the area.  After all, there are a lot of old people who live in the neighborhood. Always have been, ever since my mom first moved here in 1989.  And fairly well to do with above average incomes and health insurance plans that have abundant provisions for medications.  Soooo, somehow the pills are thrown away or flushed down the toilet and all of that Prozac, Lipitor and various blood pressure medications... maybe even some Oxycontin and Valium... well that can be reformulated and made into... what else? MORE DRUGS!  That is, of course, after the extraction of the residue...

And here's where i pick the story back up... See, the dredge that they are using to get at the muck under the house, well it has an augur attachment (of course) to convey the gunk up to be processed by the filtration system...

which just happens to be....

my mom.

Ok. 3 weeks ago, the "Lake Doctor" (DuH!!! i totally forgot that's what the side of the guy's truck says, (dude who keeps the ponds clean and habitable for the catfish, ducks, geese, etc...)  not "Pond Doctor" (uhhhhhh....wait,  back there, earlierin this sentence, i said pond.... awww forget it, you know what i mean)

 Uh, guess if i had remembered that i could have left out the whole dissertation about "Pond v. Lake"

What i was saying, before i so rudely interrupted myself, was that a couple of weeks ago the Pond Doctor (oh maaaannnnn now i just don't really remember what the name of dude's business is)

is that..

In my mom's defense: Dude, who keeps the lake clean, and some of the landscapers

(or should they be called "terrainsmen", hmmm... perhaps another time)

well, they were replacing a large pipe that runs out into the lake connecting some kind of pump/drain set up that is a few door's down from us. And they had the water fjorded up like Moses did with the Red Sea.  It looked pretty weird.


This business about sludge being piped into my mom?Call it a bad dream, or perhaps the sub/unconscious state of my sleep deprived mom was leaking into her waking one...


So did everybody get that? my mom thought that they were pumping the silt from the bottom of the lake, up into her... where it was being filtered, then processed and sold to...

to... an ultra secret society made up of a race of part human, part alien creatures living in Europe... 

Spain, to be exact.

Ok, i made up the last part about the society of hybrid alien Eurocreatures.

But the rest is essentially what my mom thought was going down the other day.

Crazy, huh?

Oh yeah. And there was a documentary film crew capturing all of it. Friends of mine have been filming at the house i have discovered.  So stay tuned to your local PBS station for the video proof of all of this...

according to my mom, at least.

Yeah, while i'd like to think that mom is just a little confused, mixing dreams and reality - perhaps absorbing something she watched on late night TV.
It's more than that.

But hey, i ain't going anywhere.  She's my mom, after all.

johnnybliss johnnybliss
41-45, M
1 Response May 10, 2012

My god man, you need a break.